(#875) The bar mitzvah safari
Moshe was a bragger and loved to out-do
his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his
son Isaac’s bar mitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying
many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate
– a safari.
So Moshe went ahead with the detailed
arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate
all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers.
He phoned the guide long distance and told him what he wanted.
“I want my entourage to be able to hear
jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of
course; I need a clearing to be found where my Rabbi can hold the service;
and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew whilst standing
on the body of an anaesthetised lion.”
“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”
The guests were ecstatic when they received
details of the weekend and all accepted their invite. Come the day of departure,
they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting
for them, together with 30 elephants. Off they went with the guide leading
the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the
rain forest.  But then, just 5hours into the journey, the column of
elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now
be a delay of 2 hours.”
Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?”
he asked his guide.
“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide,
“there’s another two bar mitzvah safaris ahead of us.”
(#876) Benny the psychiatrist - 1
One day, Benny the psychiatrist was coming
home from work on the underground when he saw an elderly gentleman talking
to himself and then laughing aloud. Every so often, the man would put up
his hand, stop talking then start all over again.   Benny had
to find out more.
“Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking,
but is there anything I can do to help?”
“Thank you but no. To keep me awake, I
tell myself jokes when I’m travelling.”
“But why do you keep raising your hand?”
asked Benny.
“Oh, that’s to stop me telling a joke
I’ve heard before.”
(#877) Benny the psychiatrist - 2
Benny the psychiatrist got a postcard
one morning from one of his patients. It read, “Having a wonderful time.
Wish you were here so you could tell me why.”
(#878) The salesman
Rachel and Sarah meet one day in Brent
Cross shopping centre.
“Is it true, Rachel,” asks Sarah, “that
your son Benjy has moved out of law?”
“Yes, it’s true,” replies Rachel, “he’s
now a salesman in a tailor shop.”
“Mazeltov,” says Sarah, “but a salesman? 
Is he any good at it?”
Rachel replies, “Is he any good? Why he’s
brilliant. Only yesterday a woman comes into his shop to buy a suit to
bury her poor late husband in. And guess what my Benjy did? He talked her
into buying an extra pair of trousers.”
(#879) Why a divorce?
Issy was playing a round of golf with
Sidney when suddenly, Issy announces, “I want a divorce.”
“Why on earth do you want to do that?”
says Sidney. “Why do you want to divorce your lovely Hetty? She’s beautiful.
And if I may say so, she seems so warm and gentle, with a great figure
to got with it.”
“Look at it this way Sidney,” replies
Issy, as he removes one of his shoes. “Just look at this shoe. The leather
seems soft and gentle, it looks great on my foot and its shape is very
modern.  Don’t you agree?”
“Yes,” replies Sidney, “but I don’t understand
what you’re getting at.”
“Well,” says Issy, “I’m the only one who
knows the shoe is pinching my toes and it hurts terribly.”
(#880) The promise
Sadie is dying. As she lay in her bed,
she says, “Shlomo, are you here?”
“Sadie, can’t you see I’m standing right
next to you?” replies Shlomo.
“Well that’s a change,” says Sadie, “I’m
not used to having you at home.”
“Oh now come on darling,” says Shlomo,
“you didn’t really expect me to be out of the house when you’re dying?”
“Well it wouldn’t have surprised me,”
says Sadie.
“Please let’s not argue,” says Shlomo.
“OK,” says Sadie, “but I want you to promise
me something. How many cars have you ordered to go to the cemetery?”
“Four,” replies Shlomo.
“Does that include the hearse?” asks Sadie.
“Yes,” replies Shlomo, “but this is not
the time to talk about it.”
“Shlomo, it’s my funeral, remember,” says
Sadie. “Four cars are too many. If people want to come, let them find their
own way there. Cancel one of the cars.”
“OK,” says Shlomo.
 “And I want you to promise me something
else,” says Sadie.
“Anything darling,” says Shlomo.
“I want you and my mother to travel together
in the same car,” says Sadie.
“But darling,” says Shlomo, “you know
we’ve not spoken to one another for at least ten years.”
“I know,” says Sadie, “but I don’t care.
It’s what I want. Promise me you’ll do it.”
“Well, OK,” replies Shlomo, “I’ll do it,
but let me tell you now, it will ruin the day for me.”
(#881) Who runs our life?
When we are young, it’s our parents who
run our lives, but then, when we get old, it’s our children who run our
lives.
(#882) Silence is golden
Simon is a lovely 5 year old who gives
his parents Maurice and Hannah much naches. Their only worry is the fact
that he hasn’t spoken a word since he was born. But he appears happy and
bright and he always does what he is told, so they live in hope.
One day, at breakfast, Hannah realises
that they have run out of corn flakes, so she gives Simon a bowl of grapefruit
segments instead. As soon as Simon puts the first spoonful into his mouth,
he spits it out and shouts, “Yuck, what rubbish. It’s not nice to start
the day with such bitter tasting food.”
“Simon, bubeleh, you spoke,” cries Hannah,
“you’ve just said your very first words.”
“Mazeltov, son,” says Maurice.”
Hannah and Maurice dance around the room
in joy. When they calm down a bit, Maurice says to Simon, “Why has it taken
you so long to speak? You’ve got such a lovely clear voice and you’re already
quite articulate.”
“Well,” answers Simon, “until this morning,
when you gave me this grapefruit, the food I’ve been getting has always
been excellent.”
(#883) The insomniac
Daniel and Naomi go to bed and one hour
later, Naomi is still awake. She is having great difficulty in getting
to sleep so she decides to do what has worked before.  She nudges
Daniel and says to him in a soft voice, “Daniel, turn over.”
Daniel replies, “£56,710.65.”
(#884) The present
Moishe was passing by a florist when he
saw a sign in the window saying, "Say It With Flowers."
He went into the shop and said to the
assistant, "Wrap up one rose for me."
"Only one?" the assistant asked.
"Just one," replied Moishe. "I'm a man
of few words."
(#885) The voice in her ear
Freda is walking down Hendon Road one
morning when she hears a voice shout in her ear, “Stop at once. Don’t take
another step.”
She stops at once and a brick smashes
into the pavement just in front of her. She had a narrow escape. A few
minutes later, Freda is at a pedestrian crossing and just as she’s about
to step across the road, the same voice shouts in her ear, “Stay where
you are. Don’t cross the road.”
She stays where she is and a bus goes
across the red light at speed, just where she would have been had she crossed.
Freda is shaking at her second narrow
escape and says aloud, “Who are you? Why are you helping me?”
“I’m your guardian angel,” came the reply,
“and I’m just doing my job looking after you. Is there any other question
you would like to ask me?”
“Yes,” replied Freda, “Where were you
on my wedding day?”
(#886) Couch potatoes
I came across this exercise for those
of us who need to build arm and shoulder muscles and thought I would share
it with you. Doing it twice a week gives good results. The only equipment
you will need are some potato sacks.
IMPORTANT: Please read all of the instructions
right to the end before starting.
INSTRUCTIONS
Stand on a carpet and ensure you have
plenty of room on each side of you. Hold a 5lb potato sack in each hand
and extend your arms sideways, straight out from your sides. Hold this
position for as long as you can, then relax. You'll find that you can hold
this position for just a bit longer as each day goes by.
Do this for 2 weeks then move up to 10lb
potato sacks and repeat the exercise. Repeat this with 50lb potato sacks
and then, finally, with 100lb potato sacks.
When you have reached this level you can
move onto stage 2 - start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks,
but be careful not to overdo it.
(#887) The furniture emporium
There are three signs on the wall in Moshe’s
Furniture Warehouse.
SIGN#1 - “There are two very good reasons
why we won't cash your cheque. Either we don't know you, or we DO know
you.”
SIGN#2 - “We have an agreement with all
the local banks. They don't sell furniture and we don't cash cheques.”
SIGN#3 - “We don't blame our competitors
for charging less for their furniture. After all, they should know what
their stuff is worth.”
(#888) Kosher celebration cards that
had to be withdrawn from sale


Congratulations on your wedding day - Sorry
to hear that no one likes your wife


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy
- It’s surprising that 2 beautiful people like you can have such an
ugly baby


I've always wanted someone to love - But
after meeting you, I've changed my mind


You brought religion into my life - I never
believed in hell until I met you


Looking back over the years we've been together
- I can't help but wonder - What the hell was I thinking?


As the days pass by - I think how lucky
I am that you're not here to ruin it for me


If I get only one thing for Chanukah - I
hope it's your sister


As you grow older Mummy - I think of all
the gifts you've given me - like the need for therapy


Congratulations on your promotion - Before
you go, take your knife out of my back - you'll need it again


One day I hope to get married - But not
to you


Sorry things didn't work out between us -
I
can't handle men with bigger breasts than mine


Happy Birthday. You look great for your age
- Almost lifelike


You always said you'd die for me. So now we've
broken up - I think it's time for you to keep your promise


We’ve been friends for a long time - What
say we call it quits?


I'm so miserable without you - It's almost
like you're here with me


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy
- Did you ever find out who the father was?


You’re a good friend. If we were on a sinking
ship with only one life jacket - I'd miss you heaps and think of you
often


Your friends and I wanted to do something
special for your birthday - So we're having you put to sleep

(#889) The car dealer
When Moishe and Sadie arrived at their
local dealer to pick up their new car, they were told that there would
be a delay as the keys had been accidentally locked in the car. They went
to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock
the door on the driver's side.
Sadie went round to the passenger's side
and as any Jewish woman would do, she instinctively tried the door handle.
To her surprise, the door opened.
"Hey," she shouted to the mechanic, "this
door’s open!"
"I know," he answered, "I’ve already opened
the door on that side."
(#890) How did you do that?
Moishe the farmer had made out a Will
that stipulated how his prize cows would be shared out to his 3 sons on
his death. He decided that half the cows should go to his eldest son, one
third to his second eldest son and one ninth to his youngest son. He though
this was fair.
Some years later he died and his sons
knew that there were 17 cows. But they just couldn’t divide them according
to their father’s wishes. So they had to call in the learned Rabbi.
After much thought, the Rabbi went away
and returned with one of his own cows, making 18 cows. Then the Rabbi gave
the oldest son 9 cows, the second son got 6 cows and the youngest 2 cows.
There was still one cow left over, so the Rabbi took his cow back home
with him.
(#891) The miser
Shlomo was a miser and his friend Isaac
knew this. One evening, Shlomo and Isaac went out for a meal with their
girlfriends. At the end of the meal, Isaac overheard Shlomo say to his
girl, “Marry me darling and I’ll buy you the sun, the moon and the stars.”
Shlomo immediately called over the waiter
and said, “Separate bills please.”
(#892) The controllers
Peter, John and Shlomo were in the clubhouse
talking about the amount of control they each have over their wives. Peter
and John are doing all the talking whilst Shlomo remains silent.
After a while, Peter turns to Shlomo and
says, "Well what about you, Shlomo, are Jewish men any different? What
sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, just the other night, my wife Hette
came to me on her hands and knees."
Peter and John were amazed! "What happened
then?"
"Well," replied Shlomo, "Hette then said,
'get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"
(#893) The streaker
Two elderly ladies, Hannah and Miriam,
were walking home one afternoon in Hampstead. Suddenly, a very old male
‘streaker’ ran past them.
Hannah says, "What was that, Miriam?"
Miriam replies, "I don't know, Hannah,
but it needed ironing."
(#894) Responses to kosher pickup lines
Abe: "Haven't we met before? In Israel,
maybe?"
Hetty: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the
Tel Aviv VD Clinic."
Abe: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
At the Israeli dance class maybe?"
Hetty: "Yes, that's why I don't go there
anymore."
Abe: "I just love Jewish affairs - is this
seat empty?"
Hetty: "Yes, and this one will be too
if you sit down."
Abe: "I live in Golders Green - shall we
go to your place or mine?"
Hetty: "Both. You go to yours and I'll
go to mine."
Abe: "I’m an accountant - so what do you
do for a living?"
Hetty: "I'm a female impersonator."
Abe: "How do you like your eggs in the
morning?"
Hetty: "Unfertilized!"
Abe: "I’m very experienced and I know how
to please a woman."
Hetty: "Then please leave me alone."
Abe: "You’re such a beautiful Jewish girl
that I want to give myself to you."
Hetty: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Abe: "I’m a stockbroker in the City and
I can tell that you want me."
Hetty: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want
you...to leave."
Abe: "I’m a connoisseur of beautiful Jewish
women and if I could see you naked, I'd die happy."
Hetty: "Yes, but if I saw you naked, I'd
probably die laughing."
Abe: "My father is big in property and
I'd go through anything for you."
Hetty: "Good! Let's start with your bank
account."
Abe: "I have lots of money which I’d use
to go to the end of the world for you."
Hetty: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
go to fortieth set