(XXX#1) The trip to the doctor
Millie accompanied her husband Maurice
to the doctor's office.
After he had given Maurice a full checkup,
the doctor called Millie into his office, alone. He said, "Maurice is suffering
from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't
do the following, your husband will surely die.
Each morning, wake him up gently with
a long and passionate kiss, then fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant
at all times and make sure he is always in a good mood. Cook him only his
favourite meals, lunch and dinner and allow him to fully relax after each.
Don't burden him with any chores and don't discuss your problems with him,
it will only make his stress worse. Don’t argue with him, even if he criticises
you or makes fun of you. Let him be as arrogant as he wants to be. Try
to relax him in the evening by wearing see-through lingerie. Give him plenty
of ‘full relief’ body massages. Encourage him to watch all the sport he
can on the TV, even if it means missing your favourite programs. And most
importantly, make full and passionate love with Maurice every evening after
dinner and satisfy his every whim. I suggest you also make oral love to
him mid morning and mid afternoon.
If you can do all of this, every day,
for the next 6 months, I think Maurice will regain his health completely."
On the way home, Maurice asks Millie:
"What did the doctor say?"
"He said you're going to die," she replied.
 
(XXX#2) The suitcases.
A customs agent stopped Sam, an elderly
Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his
two suitcases.
In the first suitcase, the agent found
over 1 million pounds in £10 notes. "Excuse me, sir" he asked Sam,
"where did you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," Sam began, "I love
Israel. For many years I travelled all around the world and stopped off
at all of the public toilets in all the major cities; I vent to New York,
I vent to London, I vent to Madrid, to Prague, to Paris, everywhere. As
soon as I arrived, I vent into all the cubicles where the men were peeing
and I say to them, "Give me £10 for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles
vit my knife."
"That's quite a story," the customs agent
said, "what's in the second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said Sam, shaking his
head, "not everyone likes to give..."
 
(XXX#3) Seder Charity.
Moishe took his Passover lunch to eat
outside in the park. He sat down on a bench and began eating.
A little while later a blind man came
and sat down next to him. Feeling neighbourly, Moishe passed a sheet of
matzo to the blind man. The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes,
looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this shit?"
 
(XXX#4) Sabbath sex.
Barry wonders if having sex on the Sabbath
is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play.
So Barry first of all goes to a catholic
priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the
Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive
that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
Barry thinks: "What does a priest know
about sex?" So he goes to a protestant minister, who after all is a married
man and experienced in this matter. Barry queries the minister and receives
the same reply. "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath."
Not pleased with the replies, Barry then
seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years’ tradition
and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi.
The rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."
Barry replies, "Thank goodness but rabbi,
how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were
work, my wife would have the maid do it.
 
(XXX#5) The flasher-1
Sadie, an elderly Jewish lady, is leaving
the garment district to go home from work.
Suddenly a man who has been walking towards
her stands in front of her, blocks her path, opens up his raincoat and
flashes his wares in all their sordid glory. Unruffled, Sadie takes a look
and remarks, "This you call a lining?"
 
(XXX#6) The brothel visit-1
The madam of a brothel answered the ring
of the bell and, on opening the door, she found standing there on the threshold,
an ancient, bearded gentleman in rabbi's garb.
"May I come in?" asked the rabbi gently
in an aged, quavering voice.
Feeling a little confused, the madam said,
"But rabbi, surely you must be in the wrong place. Here is where we--"
"I know what you do here," interrupted
the rabbi. "You don't think I came here for chopped liver, do you? Bring
on the girls."
Still confused, but understanding her
professional duties, the madam had several of her girls line up for the
rabbi. The rabbi tottered from one girl to another until he reached Rosie,
a large redhead with enormous breasts. He looked at her with appreciation
and pointed, "Good! I'll take those."
The rabbi paid out the necessary money
and Rosie led him upstairs. She helped him off with his coat and hung it
up carefully on the nail on the door. Then she helped him off with the
rest of his clothes and got into bed. There, to Rosie's astonishment, the
rabbi performed with an adroitness and a skill that was unbelievable. In
fact, Rosie, a hardened professional, found herself surprised into orgasm.
As they lay in bed a few minutes afterwards,
relaxing, Rosie said, "How old are you, rabbi?" The rabbi said, "God has
been good to me. I am eighty-eight years old." "That is certainly amazing.
Listen, rabbi, if you're ever in the neighbourhood again and if you should
feel in the mood, please ask for me--Rosie. I would be delighted to oblige
you." The rabbi said, with a certain hauteur, "What do you mean, if I should
be in the mood again? Let me sleep for five minutes right now and, believe
me, I will be in the mood again." “Really, rabbi? Then please take a nap."
The rabbi adjusted himself into a relaxed
position, face up, placed his arms across his chest and then said, "Wait
one minute. This is important. While I'm asleep, scoop up my testicles
with your right hand and hold them an inch above the sheet, without moving
them. Keep them absolutely motionless."
Of course, rabbi," said Rosie, and did
as she was told, holding the rabbi's testicles free of the sheet for five
minutes as the rabbi slept. Then he woke with a start and said, "I'm ready."
And so he was, for to Rosie's delight he was even better the second time
than the first.
As she lay panting, Rosie said, "It was
wonderful, rabbi, but one thing I don't understand. Why was it necessary
to hold your testicles motionless above the sheet while you were sleeping?"
"Oh that," said the rabbi. "Well, you are a nice girl and I like you very
much. Still, the truth is I don't know you very well, and over there, in
my coat, hanging on the hook on the door, is a thousand pounds in cash."
 
(XXX#7) Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had lived next
door one another for over 40 years and over the years became loving friends.
One day Mrs. Murphy came to Mrs. Cohen
and said, "These houses are becoming to much for us. Let's sell them and
we can each move into a home for the aged."
They agreed and some months later, each
went into a retirement home of their respective religions.
But not long after, Mrs. Murphy felt very
lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to
visit her old friend Mrs. Cohen. When she arrived, she was greeted with
open arms, hugs and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, "So how do you like it here."
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful
food, the wonderful facility and the wonderful carers. She then said, "And
that’s not all. You know the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend."
Mrs. Murphy said, "That’s wonderful. Tell
me what you do."
Mrs. Cohen said, "After lunch we go up
to my room and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on the top
and then down below and then we sing Jewish songs."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And how is it with you,
Mrs. Murphy?"
Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful
at her new facility and that she also had a boyfriend.
Mrs. Cohen said, "That’s wonderful. So
what do you do?"
"We also go up to my room after lunch
and sit on the edge of my bed. I let him touch me on top and then let him
touch me down below."
Mrs. Cohen said, "And then what do you
do?" Mrs. Murphy said, "Since we don’t know any Jewish songs, we f**k."
 
(XXX#8) The advert
Sarah has been married 6 times and divorced
6 times. There was something bad about every one of her ex-husbands, so
Sarah put an advert in the Jewish Chronicle that said she needed a man
who will not beat her, who will not run away from her, and who is good
in bed.
Two weeks later, Sarah is quietly reading
a book when she hears her doorbell ring. She opens the door and there is
a guy with no arms or legs.
“Hello, how may I help you?” she says.
“Hi, I’m Bernard, and I’m here about your
advert in the JC.”
“How do I know you meet my requirements?”
Sarah says.
“Well, I can’t beat you because I have
no arms, and I can’t run away from you because I have no legs.” he replies.
“But how do I know you’re good in bed?”
she asks.
Bernard replies, “How do you think I rang
the doorbell?
 
(XXX#9) The Chanukah party
Rachel and Moshe Cohen were invited to
a posh masked, fancy dress Chanukah party.
Unfortunately, Rachel got a terrible headache
and told Moshe to go to the party alone. Being a devoted husband, Moshe
protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and
go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So Moshe put on his costume and mask and away he went to the party.
After sleeping soundly for an hour or
so, Rachel awoke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go
to the party. She knew that Moshe didn’t know what costume she was going
to wear (how many husbands do?) and she thought she would have some fun
by watching him to see how he acts when she was not with him. So Rachel
put on her costume and mask and drove off to the party.
Rachel soon spotted Moshe. He was fooling
around on the dance floor, dancing with every girl he could, copping a
little feel here and having a little kiss there. So Rachel sidled up to
him and being a rather seductive lady, Moshe immediately left his partner
and devoted all his time to her - to the new beauty that had just arrived.
Rachel let him go as far as he wished;
naturally, since he was her husband. So when he whispered a little proposition
in her ear, she agreed. Off they went to one of the parked cars and made
mad, passionate love. Just before midnight, when everyone at the party
had to take off their masks, Rachel slipped away, went home, put her costume
away, got into bed, and wondered what kind of explanation Moshe would make
for his behaviour.
Rachel was sitting up reading when Moshe
came in and she asked what kind of time he had.
He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You
know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, Rachel, I
never even danced one dance. When I got t the party, I bumped into Yossi,
Roberto, David and some other guys, so we went into a back room and played
cards all night. But I can tell you, Rachel, the guy I loaned my costume
to sure had a real good time!”
 
(XXX#10) The sinner
Rabbi Goldberg stood before the Recording
Angel, who was scrutinising his page in the Golden Book.
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the Angel. “Rabbi
Goldberg, can it be? Your record shows nothing but mitzvahs! Tell me, in
your whole life, didn’t you commit one sin?”
“Mr Angel,” replied the Rabbi, “I tried
to live like a G-d fearing Jew.”
“But in a whole lifetime, not one - single
- sin?”
“No, I’m s-sorry.”
“Well I can’t let you into heaven, Rabbi
Goldberg! You already are an angel. I am going to have to send you back
to earth for 24 hours and if you want to get into heaven, you’ll appear
back here with at least one sin on your record. Goodbye.”
Poor Rabbi Goldberg was scooped back to
earth. He wandered about, desolate, seeking to stray from virtue, not knowing
how. The hours passed and the Rabbi grew uneasy.
Only 12 hours now remained. “Oh, G-d,
blessed be your name, help me. Help me to sin. Just once!”
And then a woman signalled to him from
a doorway. His prayers had been answered. How swiftly Rabbi Goldberg responded.
The voluptuous woman led him to her room  …. and to her bed.
Hours later, the Rabbi awoke. “What time
is it?”
“Half past six.”
The Rabbi smiled. “At seven o’clock, someone
is picking me up.”
He started to dress, chuckling.
But the chuckles froze when, from her
bed, he heard the woman sigh, “I’m over 40 year’s old and I was a virgin
- Oh, mister, what a mitzvah you performed last night!”
 
(XXX#11) A pointed story
Nathan, an elderly Jewish man, was out
shopping in Brent Cross and came upon a pair of crocodile shoes.
He took a fancy to them so much that he
buys them and even decides to wear them to go home in. He walks in the
front door and says “Sylvia. Do you see anything different?”
She replies “No, Nathan”
Nathan says, “Take another look honey.
Don't you see?”
“No”, she says.
So Nathan tells her to wait there. He
then goes into the bedroom and takes off all his clothes except the shoes.
He comes back downstairs and says “Now do you see anything different?”
She looks closely and says, “No, it’s
drooping now, it was drooping yesterday, and it will be drooping tomorrow.”
“But honey, it’s looking right at my new
shoes. Don’t you see?”
She says, “I think you should have bought
a new hat instead.”
 
(XXX#12) Riddle
Q: What's the difference between a Catholic
wife and a Jewish wife?
A: The Catholic wife has real orgasms
and fake jewellery.
 
(XXX#13) The visit to the chemist
Abe walks into a chemist and asks for
some condoms.
“Yes sir, do you want the Catholic pack,
the Protestant pack or the Jewish pack?”
Abe asks, “What’s the difference?”
The chemist replies, “The Catholic pack
has six, one for each day of the week but never on Sunday. The Protestant
pack has eight, one for each day of the week and twice on Sunday. And of
course the Jewish pack has 12”
“Why twelve?” asks Abe.
(The chemist sighs and counts on fingers)
“January, February, March....”
 
(XXX#14) His 80th Birthday present
Moshe Levy was soon to be 80 years old
and his friends didn’t know what to buy him. His wife had died some years
ago and he did not go out very often, at least, not with the opposite sex.
In the end, they came to the conclusion
that Moshe needed a Hooker, so they hired one.
She knocked on his door. When Moshe answered
she said to him, “Happy birthday to you Mr Levy. I’ve come to offer you
super sex.”
He replied “If it’s all right with you,
I’ll have the soup!”
 
(XXX#15) Dancing not allowed
A couple, preparing for conversion, meet
with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they
have any final questions. The man asks, "Is it true that men and women
don't dance together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons,
men and women dance separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what
about sex?"
"That’s fine," says the rabbi. "It’s a
mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the
man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO, CERTAINLY NOT!" says the rabbi. "That
could lead to dancing!"
 
(XXX#16) The date
Two elderly Jewish ladies are having a
discussion.
Rose: So Sadie, what are you doing tonight?
Sadie: Nothing much. I’m just going out
with Mr. Goldberg.
Rose: Mr. Moshe Goldberg who lives in
Finchley?
Sadie: Yes, him.
Rose: Oh Sadie, I went out with Mr. Goldberg
only last week. You wouldn't believe what happened!  He took me out
to a nice dinner and then he brought me home. As soon as we were in my
living room, he ripped off all my clothes and we had sex right there and
then on my living room floor.
Sadie: G-tt im himmel! What should I do?
Rose: Only one thing you can do--wear
a shmatah.
 
(XXX#17) A medical problem
Sadie Greenberg came into her doctor's
office and confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I fart all the time,
Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless and they have no odour. In fact,
since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I
do?"
"Here's your prescription, Mrs. Greenberg.
Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see
me in a week’s time."
The next week, an upset Mrs. Greenberg
marched into Dr. Johnson's office: "Doctor, I don't know what was in those
pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, and they're
still soundless, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Greenberg," said the
doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your
hearing."
 
(XXX#18) The broken watch
David’s watch was not working. He remembered
passing a little shop with clocks and watches in the window, so he took
the watch in for repair.
"Can I help you?" asked the man behind
the counter.
"I want this watch repaired," said David.
"I'm sorry. I don't repair watches."
"Well, how much for a new one then?" asked
David.
"I don't sell watches."
"You don't sell watches?"
"No, I don't sell watches."
"Clocks, you sell clocks then? How much
for a clock?"
"I don't sell clocks."
David was getting exasperated. "You don't
sell watches, you don't sell clocks?"
"No, I’m a mohel," replied the man.
"Then why do you have all those clocks
and watches in the window?"
"If you were a mohel, tell me, what would
you put in your window?"
 
(XXX#19) The honeymoon
A young Jewish couple on their honeymoon
in Bournemouth went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there
was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Do we have any entertainment?
Of course we do, in fact The Amazing Benny is performing this very night!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old
man hobbled onto the stage, dragging a card table. He proceeded to set
up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his penis
and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into
cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging
his card table.
On their 20th anniversary, the same couple
went back to Bournemouth and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender
was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about
how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender
said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old
man hobbled onto the stage, slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded
to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his penis
and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into
cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, slowly
dragging his card table.
The couple were amazed and the husband
said to the bartender, "He did that act 20 years ago when we were here...but
then he did it with walnuts. Nu? So now he does this with coconuts?"
The bartender apologetically replied,
"Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, 20 years is
20 years and The Amazing Benny is not what he used to be...his eyes aren't
so good now!"
 
(XXX#20) The mohel
A mohel had been busy all his life collecting
all the little snippets he cut off at each Brit Hamilah.
By the time he retired, he had a huge
plastic bag full of these cut-offs. What to do with them? Someone referred
him to a tradesman down the street and he took his huge bag there, asking
if this could be turned into something. "Sure," said the tradesman, "just
leave it here and come back in four weeks' time."
When the mohel came back, the tradesman
presented him with a tiny little wallet. The mohel could hardly hide his
disappointment and said, "I brought you such an enormous bag full of snippets,
and you make but the tiniest of wallets out of it?" Replies the tradesman:
"Just wait till you stroke it a bit, and it turns into a huge suitcase!"
 
(XXX#21) The brothel visit-2
The madam opened the brothel door to see
an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all dishevelled and he looked needy.
"Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the old man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive
ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced
to the old man that she charges £1,000 per visit. The man never blinked
and reached into his pocket and handed her ten £100 notes. The two
went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again at the
door of the brothel, demanding Natalie. Natalie came down and explained
to him that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there
were no discounts...it was still £1,000. Again the old man took out
the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive
night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up
to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old
man:
"No one has ever used my services three
nights in a row... where are you from?"
The old man replied, "I am from Minsk."
"Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister
who lives there."
"Yes; I know," said the old man. "She
gave me £3,000 to give to you."
 
(XXX#22) The conversation
Two gentlemen are using the facilities
at Grand Central Station in New York.
One gentleman says to the other, "Are
you from Borough Park?"
The other gentleman exclaims, "Yeah, how
did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Do you belong
to Temple Beth El?"
The second gentleman exclaims, "Yeah,
how did you know that?"
The first gentleman says, "Is Rabbi Yablonobovitz,
the mohel, still there?"
The second gentleman exclaims "Yeah, how
did you know that?"
The first gentleman answers, "Because
he always cuts on a slant, and you're peeing on my shoe!"
 
(XXX#23) The tailor
Two orthodox Jews went to Pincus the tailor
for new suits.
"Listen, Pincus," one said, "the last
suits you made for us were sort of grey. We want black suits, the darkest
black cloth that we can get."
"See this cloth?" Pincus said, fingering
a roll of fabric. "This is the stuff they make nuns' habits from. There
ain't no blacker cloth."
A few weeks later, the two men were walking
down the street in their new suits when they passed two nuns. Impulsively,
one of the men went up to the nuns and matched his suit against their habits.
Becoming angry, he muttered something to his friend and they both walked
off.
"What did that man want?" one nun asked
the other.
"I don't know," she replied, "He looked
at my garment, said something in Latin and left."
"What did he say?"
"He said, 'Pincus Fucktus'."
 
(XXX#24) For the girls
20 reasons why chocolate is better then
Jewish sex
1.You can always get chocolate.
2.With chocolate, size doesn’t matter;
it’s always good.
3.Chocolate satisfies, even when it has
gone soft.
4.You can safely have chocolate while
you are driving.
5.You can make chocolate last as long
as you want it to.
6.You can have chocolate even in front
of your mother.
7.If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate
won’t mind.
8.Two people of the same sex can have
chocolate without being called nasty names.
9.The word “commitment” doesn’t scare
off chocolate.
10.You can have chocolate on top of your
desk without upsetting your work mates.
11.You can ask a stranger for chocolate
without fear of getting into trouble.
12.You don’t get hairs in your mouth with
chocolate.
13.With chocolate, there’s no need to
fake it.
14.Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant.
15.You can have chocolate at any time
of the month.
16.Good chocolate is easy to find.
17.You can have as many kinds of chocolate
as you can handle.
18.You are never to young or too old for
chocolate.
19.When you have chocolate, it does not
keep your neighbours awake.
20.“If you love me you’ll swallow that”
has real meaning with chocolate.
(XXX#25) The bachelor boy
Maurice was very distraught at the fact
that he had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. He was afraid
he might have something wrong with him, so he decided to seek the medical
expertise of a sex therapist. Maurice’s doctor recommended that he see
a well-known Chinese sex therapist, so Maurice went to see him.
Upon entering the examination room, Dr.
Chang said, "OK, take off all you crose." Maurice did as he was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass
to odder side of room."
Again, Maurice did as he was instructed.
Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery,
reery fass back to me."
So Maurice did.
Dr. Chang shook his head slowly and said,
"Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease. Worse case I ever see.
Dat why you no haf sex or dates."
Worried, Maurice asked anxiously, "Oh
my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"
Dr. Chang looked Maurice in the eye and
replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your
arse."
 
(XXX#26) The flasher-2
Did you hear about the Jewish flasher
who was thinking about retiring?
He decided to stick it out for one more
year.
 
(XXX#27) The headache-1
Moshe was moderately successful in his
career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible
headaches. So he sought medical help.
After being referred from one specialist
to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.
"The good news is I can cure your headaches.
The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition
that causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine.
The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the
pressure is to remove the testicles."
Moshe was shocked and depressed. He wondered
if he had anything to live for. However, he couldn't concentrate long enough
to answer, so he decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, Moshe’s head
was clear for the first time for ages. As he was walking down Golders Green
High Street, he realised that he could make a new beginning and live a
new life. As he walked past a clothes shop, Moshe thought, "That's what
I need - a new suit. He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like
a new suit."
The salesman eyed him briefly and said,
"Let's see, size 44 long."
Moshe laughed, "That's right, how did
you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the suit. It fitted perfectly.
As Moshe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
a new shirt?"
Moshe thought for a moment and then said,
"Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe and said, "Let's
see, 34 sleeve and 16½ neck"
Moshe was surprised, "That's right, how
did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shirt. It fitted perfectly.
As Moshe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
new shoes?"
Moshe was on a roll and said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s feet and said,
"Let's see, 9½E fitting."
Moshe was astonished, "That's right, how
did you know?"
"It's my job."
Moshe tried on the shoes and they fitted
perfectly. Moshe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked,
"How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Moshe said, "Sure"
The salesman eyed Moshe’s head and said,
"Let's see, 7 5/8."
Moshe was incredulous, "That's right,
how did you know?"                
"It's my job."
The hat fitted perfectly. Moshe was feeling
great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Moshe thought for a second and said, "Sure"
The salesman stepped back, eyed Moshe’s
waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."
Moshe laughed, "No, you're wrong this
time. I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't
wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your
spine and give you one hell of a headache."
 
(XXX#28) Riddle - What does the following
describe?
This useful tool is found in most married
Jewish households. It is commonly found in the range of 6 to 8 inches long.
Its functioning is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found
hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump
of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use,
it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly,
into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out
again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied
by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely
recognise the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated
movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces
of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything
has ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest,
ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax
twice or three times a day, but often much less.
WHAT IS IT? (answer is below... read on!)
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-ANSWER: A Toothbrush (what were you thinking?)
 
(XXX#29) The devil’s decision
Nicholas and Abe found themselves delivered
together to Hell. One was Christian and the other Jewish.
A little confused at their present situation,
they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door
was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen.
She was 3'4", dirty, and was covered in
thick black hair. Flies circled her and you could smell her even over the
Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard, "Nicholas,
you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed
with this woman!"
Nicholas groaned as he was whisked through
the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.
This understandably shook up Abe and so
he jumped when a second door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained
to see the figure of... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Abe jumped up, taking in the
sight of this beautiful woman, barely dressed in a skimpy bikini.
Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying,
"CINDY, you have sinned...."
 
(XXX#30) Only one wish allowed
Harry Cohen walks into a pub carrying
a small box. He puts the box down on the bar and opens the lid and music
wafts out into the room. The man sitting next to Harry looks into the box
and is amazed to find out that the music is coming from a tiny man playing
a tiny grand piano inside the box. So, he asks Harry about it.
Harry responds, "I found this magic lamp,
read the inscription on it and rubbed it. I've got the lamp right here."
Harry takes the lamp out of his pocket
and reads the inscription aloud "Rub this lamp and it will grant you one
wish."
The other guy asks, "Can I rub the lamp
too?"
Harry shrugs and says, "I must point out
that it doesn’t work as well as it should."
"Never mind." says the other guy, so Harry
hands him the lamp.
After rubbing it for a moment, the bar
starts to fill up with hound dogs. Literally thousands upon thousands of
hound dogs. The 2nd guy looks totally stunned and says to Harry, "I didn't
wish for hounds.  I wished for a million pounds."
Harry looks at him and says, "I told you
it didn’t always work. Do you think I wished for a ten inch pianist?"
 
(XXX#31) DIY
Like most Jewish wives, Rachel could never
get her husband to do anything around the house. Issy would come home from
work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more – and he would
never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of.
This frustrated Rachel quite a bit.
One day the toilet overflowed. When Issy
got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is bunged up. Would you
look at it?" Issy snarled, "What do I look like - Mr plumber?" and promptly
sat down on the sofa to watch TV.
The next day, the vacuum cleaner wouldn't
work. When Issy got home, Rachel said, very nicely, "Honey, the vacuum
cleaner won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, Issy growled, "What do I look
like - Mr. Hoover?"
The next day, the washing machine was
on the blink. When Issy got home, Rachel steeled her courage and said,
"Honey, the washing machine isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What
do I look like - Mr Electrolux?"
Finally, Rachel had had enough. The next
morning, she called three repairmen, one to fix the toilet, one, the vacuum
cleaner, and the other the washing machine. When her husband got home,
Rachel said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
Issy frowned, "Well, how much is that
going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay
them by either baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake
them?" he asked.
Rachel smiled. "What do I look like -
Mrs Kipling?"
 
(XXX#32) The headache-2
Shlomo had been suffering from severe
headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures Shlomo
is referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.
The doctor asks Shlomo what his symptoms
are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife
across my scalp and…"
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And
a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear."
"Yes, Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well, I am the world's greatest headache
specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache
for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. But I’m
OK now. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex.
When she came, she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength
around my head and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try
that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks go by and Shlomo is back.
"Well, how do you feel?" the doctor asked.
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't
had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.
And, by the way you have a lovely home."
 
(XXX#33) The return from work
Benny comes home early from work and hears
strange noises coming from his bedroom.
He rushes upstairs to find his wife, Sarah,
naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
"What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart
attack," cries Sarah.
Benny rushes downstairs to grab the phone,
but just as he's dialling, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy!
Daddy! Uncle Maurice is hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes
on!"
Benny slams the phone down and storms
upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother Maurice, totally naked, cowering
on the wardrobe floor.
"You bonehead!" says Benny, "Sarah’s having
a heart attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring the
kids!"
 
(XXX#34) The Pope
Jacob was a shy gentleman. One day, he
was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same
flight.
"This is exciting," thought Jacob. "I
know I’m Jewish but I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll
be able to see him in person."
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat
down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, Jacob was too shy to
speak to the Pontiff.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope began
a crossword puzzle.
"This is fantastic," thought Jacob. "I'm
really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me
for assistance."
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to
Jacob and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring
to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
Only one word leapt to mind....a vulgar
one. "My goodness," thought Jacob, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must
be another word."
Jacob thought for a moment, then it hit
him. Turning to the Pope, Jacob said "I think you're looking for the word
'aunt'."
"Of course," said the Pope, "Excuse me,
but do you happen to have an eraser?"
 
(XXX#35) The accident
Benjy was in an accident and unfortunately,
his penis got chopped off.
Benjy was rushed to hospital where the
doctor examined him. After careful consideration, the doctor said to Benjy,
“Don’t worry, we can replace it with a small sized penis for £5,000,
a medium sized penis for £15,000, or an extra-large sized penis for
£30,000. I realise it’s a lot of money, so take your time and talk
it over with your wife.”
When the doctor came back into the room
later that afternoon, he found Benjy staring sadly at the ceiling.
Benjy said, “My wife says she’d rather
have a new kitchen.”
 
(XXX#36) The Japanese businessmen
Two Japanese businessmen are talking during
their afternoon dip in the hot baths at the Geisha house.
The first businessman says, “Hirokosan,
I have some unpleasant news for you. Your wife is dishonouring you.”
His friend can’t believe what he hears
and asks for more information.
“It is as I said, Hirokosan. Your wife
is dishonouring you - she is making love every afternoon with a foreigner
of the Jewish faith.”
Shocked, Hirokosan decides to go home
and confront his wife. He faces her and says, “I am told that you are dishonouring
me with a foreigner of the Jewish faith.”
She replies, “That’s a lie. Where did
you hear such mishegoss?”
Go to 2nd set of 'naughtier' jokes