On the First Day of Creation, the Keebler Elves Gave to Me
by Natalie Overstreet


"In the beginning the Elves created the Tree. And the Tree was empty and
hollow, and cold inside. And the Elves said, Let there be heat: and there was
heat. And the Elves saw the heat, that it was 375 degrees Fahrenheit or
190 degrees Celsius: and the Elves divided the heat from the rest of the
Tree. And the Elves called the heat Fire, and the Tree they called Home. And
there was dough, and there were cookies: the first snack."


"And the Elves said, Let there be an axe, to divide the wood from the wood.
And the Elves made the axe, and divided the wood from the wood: and it was
so. And the Elves called the wood Fuel. And there was dough, and there were
cookies: the second snack."


"And the Elves said: Let the heat within the Tree be kept in one place, and
let floor space appear: and it was so. And the Elves called the floor space
Kitchen; and the gathering of the heat called they Oven: and the Elves saw
that it had preheated. And the Elves said, Let the kitchen bring forth dough,
the workers yielding labor, and the chocolate chips yielding fat after its
kind, whose calories are in itself, upon the hearth: and it was so. And the
kitchen brought forth dough, and workers yielding labor after their kind,
and the chocolate chips yielding fat, whose calories were in itself, after
its kind: and the Elves saw that it was yummy. And there was dough, and there
were cookies: the third snack."


"And the Elves said, Let there be brands in the Tree to divide the crackers
from the cookies; and let them be for marketers, and for wholesalers, and for
retailers, and consumers: and let them be for sweets in the hollowness of the
Tree to give obesity upon the earth: and it was so. And the Elves made two
great brands; the greater brand to rule the cookie market, and the lesser
brand to rule the cracker market: they made other brands also. And the Elves
set them on the supermarket shelves to give obesity upon the earth. And to
rule over the cookie and cracker markets, and to divide the one from the
other: and the Elves saw that it was profitable. And there was dough, and
there were cookies: the fourth snack."


"And the Elves said, Let the oven bring forth abundantly the many items that
hath fat, and cookies that may induce sugar highs in the open forum of the
free market. And the Elves created great pie crusts, and every filling item
that hath fat, which the oven brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and
every sugary cookie after its kind: and the Elves saw that it was dominant.
And the Elves blessed their creation, saying, Be profitable, and fattening,
and fill the airwaves on the television, and let sugar multiply in the
hyperactive. And there was dough, and there were cookies: the fifth snack."


"And the Elves said, Let the earth bring forth the living consumer after his
kind, children, and couch potato, and every thing that muncheth upon the
earth after his kind: and it was so. And the Elves made the munchers of
snacks after his kind, and children after their kind, and every thing that
lieth like a slug in front of the tube after his kind: and the Elves saw that
it had potential. And the Elves said, Let us make cartoons in our image,
after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the wholesaler of the
warehouse, and over the retailer of the supermarket, and over the customers,
and over all the earth, and over every couch potato that vegetateth upon the
earth. So the Elves created cartoons in their own image, in the image of the
Elves created they them; static and animated created they them. And the Elves
blessed them, and the Elves said unto them, Be popular, and multiply, and
saturate the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the wholesaler of
the warehouse, and over the retailer of the supermarket, and over every
couch potato that vegetateth upon the earth. And the Elves said, Behold, we
have given you every kitchen bearing dough, which is upon the screen of all
the earth, and every chocolate chip, in which is the fat of a chip yielding
calories; to you it shall be for profit. And to every consumer of the earth,
and to every retailer of the product, and to every thing that vegetateth upon
the earth, wherein there is a market, I have given all fresh dough for
profit: and it was so. And the Elves saw everything that they had made, and,
behold, it would ensure a secure retirement. And there was dough, and there
were cookies: the sixth snack."


"Thus the Tree and the marketplace were finished, and all the host of them.
And during the seventh snack the Elves ended their work which they had made;
and they rested during the seventh snack from all their work which they had
made. And the Elves blessed the seventh snack, and fortified it: because that
during it they had rested from all their work which the Elves created and
made."