[Editor's Note: The Ariane 5 was a rocket that exploded on its first
launch. The following is a "translation" of the press release that followed
the explosion.]

Date: Wed, 5 Jun 1996 15:26:11 -0500 (CDT)
From: RJ- (rj@tezcat.com)
Subject: Re: Spin-doctoring the Ariane 5 launch

>The first Ariane-5 flight did not result in validation of
>Europe's new launcher.

Translation: It blew up.

>It was the first flight test of an entirely new vehicle each of
>whose elements had been tested on the ground in the course
>of the past years and months.

Translation: It never blew up on the ground.

>Of an entirely new design, the launcher uses engines ten times
>as powerful as those of the Ariane-4 series. Its electronic
>brain is a hundred times more powerful than that used on
>previous Ariane launchers. The very many qualification
>reviews and ground tests imposed extremely tough checks on
>the correctness of all the choices made. There are, however,
>no absolute guarantees. A launcher's capability can be
>demonstrated only in flight under actual launch conditions.

Translation: It was bigger and prettier than our previous toy. But it still
blew up.

>A second test already scheduled under the development plan
>will take place in a few months' time. Before that, everything
>will have to be done to establish the reasons for this setback
>and make the corrections necessary for a successful second
>test. An inquiry board will be set up in the next few days.
>It will be required to submit, by mid-July, an entirely
>independent report identifying the causes of the incident and
>proposing modifications designed to prevent any further
>incidents.

Translation: We have 6 weeks to come up with a good excuse or they won't
let us blow up another one.

>Ariane-5 is a major challenge for space activities in Europe.
>The skills of all the teams involved in the programme,
>coupled with the determination and solidarity of all the
>political, technical and industrial authorities, make us
>confident of a successful outcome.

Translation: We haven't figured out which poor bastard to fire for blowing
the damn thing up, yet.

RJ "After you try selling to NASA, this all makes sense" Johnson
---------------------------------------------------------------------------