Children's Stool Great for Use in Garden
Stud Tires Out
Stiff Opposition to Casketless Funeral Plan
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
Columnist Gets Urologist in Trouble with His Peers
New Housing For Elderly Not Yet Dead
New Missouri U. Chancellor Expects Little Sex
12 On Their Way to Cruise Among Dead in Plane Crash
N.J. Judge to Rule on Nude Beach
Chou Remains Cremated
Chinese Apeman Dated
Hershey Bars Protest
Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Deer Kill 130,000
Complaints About NBA Referees Growing Ugly
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Man Eating Piranha Mistakenly Sold As Pet Fish
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
Safety Experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Survivor of Siamese twins joins parents
Farmer Bill dies in house
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails; Veterinarian takes over
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
British left waffles on Falkland Islands
Eye drops off shelf
Teacher strikes idle kids
Shot off woman's leg helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Plane too close to ground, crash probe told
Miners refuse to work after death
Stolen painting found by tree
Two soviet ships collide, one dies
2 sisters reunited after 18 years in checkout counter
Killer sentenced to die for second time in 10 years
Never withhold herpes infection from loved one
Drunken drivers paid $1000 in '84
If strike isn't settled quickly, it may last a while
Enfiels couple slain; Police suspect homicide

And:

Two cars were reported stolen by the Groveton police yesterday.
We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.

All found in _The Language Instinct_, by Steven Pinker.
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From: IN%"SEWALL@UCONNVM.BITNET" "Murph Sewall" 9-DEC-1990 12:48:33.47
Date: Sun, 9 Dec 90 11:10:55 EST

More actual newspaper headlines:

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures --Daily Sun-Post (San Clemente, CA)
1/17/77

Sneak Attack by Soviet Bloc Not Foreseen --The Atlanta Journal 4/4/79

War Dims Hopes for Peace --Wisconsin State Journal 12/27/65

Blue Skies Unless its Cloudy --San Francisco Chronicle 5/29/??

Bankrupt Association Termed in Poor Shape --Lawrence (KA) Journal-World
7/12/77

Food is Basic to Student Diet --Bridgeport (CN) Post 1/18/78
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(Reported in the (U.K.) Guardian recently, and relayed by Martin Hughes:)

For those of you who don't read a quality paper the following extract from
the weekend Guardian might be of interest:

Airline competition intensifies. Eastern Airlines is offering a 50%
discount on dead bodies. Directors of Funeral parlours can now claim
frequent flyer bonus miles on every casket they ship.

We take ghoul care of you!
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One more from the "News of the Weird" column:

Reason magazine reports that a survey of hotel bills from last year's
convention of religious broadcasters revealed that 80 percent watched an
X-rated movie on their hotel room's closed-circuit channel.
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More headlines:

Lack Of Water Hurts Ice Fishing
Yellow Snow Tested For Nutrition
Gas Smell Diverts Flight, But It Was Just Passengers Pants
Man Accused Of Excessively Passing Wind
Cookies With Condoms Fail Family Taste-Test
Condom Firm Streches Product Line
White Flower Two Day Sale-(Friday ONLY)
Toxic Waste Tour Planned
Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
House passes gas tax onto senate
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Some become unintentionally suggestive:

Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines:

Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the
one intended:

Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious:

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
Child's death ruins couple's holiday
Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
Man is fatally slain
Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
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From: julie@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu

Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include your Children when Baking Cookies
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