50 Ways to Confuse a Roommate

By Brian and Andy

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to
them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of
your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually
work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the
ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the
middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your
roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more
than meets the eye."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man,"
Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a
kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance
art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when
you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of
weeks."

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to
masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come,
pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you
think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can.
When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it.
If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he
reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of
grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and
then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her
of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).

36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up.
Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three
weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse
to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with
"Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile
your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter
"Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly
that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at
least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an
assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them
as soon as you wake up.
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From enigma@cyberwar.com Sat Nov 18 00:53:36 1995

20 More Ways To Confuse Your Roommate

1. Every morning, when you get up, say, "Well, time to go to class." Sit on
your bed and act like you're turning your room key in the ignition. Then
act like you're driving, turning an invisible steering wheel and making,
"Rrrrrrrrrrrr, rrrrrrrrrrrrrr" engine sounds. Then, one day, chug a few
beers before "driving" to class. Make the "Rrrrrrrrrrr" sounds, and then
say, "Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech" and act like you've had a car accident. Fling
yourself off the bed and across the room, and pretend to be hurt. Spend the
day in bed with an icepack on your forehead.

2. Whenever your roommate sneezes, immediately call the Rescue Squad and
report that your roommate is spreading a highly contageous, infectious
disease around the building. If your roommate protests, go on a tangent
about health codes.

3. Every night, when you do your homework, put a balloon on the chair
before you sit down. When the balloon breaks, act like you've been
startled. Scream continuously for two minutes. Then, stop suddenly and
start on your homework, as if nothing happened.

4. Wear earmuffs, all the time. Act like you can never understand what your
roommate is saying. Pick up the phone at random, say "Hello?", and act
confused, as if you don't understand why nobody's there. Answer the door at
random, as if somebody had knocked, and look around the hallway as if
somebody's supposed to be there. After about a week, stop wearing the
earmuffs, and advise your roommate to never buy a hearing aid at a garage
sale.

5. When you return from a class, instead of opening the door, break it down
with a big piece of lumber. Tell your roommate you forgot your key. Every
night, when your roommate comes home, wait on the other side of the door.
When your roommate opens the door, act like he/she hit you in the head, and
that you've been knocked unconcious. Spend the night sleeping on the floor.
After about a week, go to bed as you normally would. Complain loudly that
you can't sleep.

7. Get lots of tomatoes. Sit with them in a corner of the room and have
secret meetings. Inform your roommate that you have been nominated for
president of the tomatoes. Put up campaign posters around the room. Select
one tomato to be your campaign manager. Make speeches in front of the
tomatoes. Then, one day, when your roommate comes back, give him/her a jar
of tomato sauce, go on a tirade about fixed elections, and tell him/her
that you really didn't want to be president of the tomatoes anyway.

8. Get a hamster. Keep it in a cage, with a little exercise wheel. Whenever
the hamster runs in the wheel, stand next to the cage and jog in place.
Tell your roommate that the hamster is your "personal trainer." Someplace
outside the room, let your roommate catch you eating a candy bar. Beg
him/her not to tell the hamster about it.

7. After you take a shower, instead of drying yourself with a towel, stand
in the middle of the room and spin around 100 times. Spend an hour in bed,
complaining that you feel dizzy and sick.

10. Chew gum often. When you're finished chewing it, store it in a drawer
until you've amassed a huge wad of used gum. If your roommate inquires, go
on a tangent about recycling. When the gum wad gets big enough, sit it in
front of the TV and let it watch cartoons. Complain to your roommate that
the gum wad never watches anything educational.

11. Stick your head out the door and announce whatever your roommate is
doing to the rest of the building. "He/She's getting out a book!" "He/She's
taking out his/her glasses!" Go around the building and take requests for
what people would like your roommate to do. Report the results to your
roommate.

12. Bring your roommate gifts, but act angry and upset when you give them
to him/her. If your roommate inquires, yell at him/her and shout "It is
better to give than to receive, you stupid moron!"

13. Get a duck. While your roommate is out, put on some dance music, and
wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, let him/her catch
you dancing with the duck. Act surprised, turn off the music, and
immediately go to bed. Get rid of the duck, and refuse to ever acknowledge
that the incident occurred.

14. Turn out all the lights, and wait for your roommate to come home. When
he/she does, whack him/her in the head with a golf club. Apologize, and
explain that you thought he/she was a burglar.

15. Make your roommate show you two forms of ID before you let him/her use
the telephone, microwave, etc. If he/she ever refuses, scream for help, and
accuse your roommate of being an imposter.

16. Whenever your roommate wears something red, act like a bull and charge
him/her with your head, knocking him/her down if possible. Suggest that
your roommate sign up for matador lessons.

17. If your roommate snores, make a tape recording of it. Play it at full
volume out your window. Tell your roommate that you're trying to summon a
hippopotamus.

18. Every time you want to leave the room, stand and knock at the door
until someone in the hall lets you out. If your roommate inquires, give
him/her a lecture on politeness.

19. Collect various types of insects. Keep them in jars. Complain to your
roommate that the insects seem lathargic. Start running bingo games for the
insects. One day, while your roommate is out, release the insects and paint
insect bites and bee stings on your body. When your roomate returns, advise
him/her to never cheat while playing with bingo-obsessed bugs.

20. Get an extension cord. Put one end in your mouth, and plug the other
end into the wall each night while you do your homework. If your roommate
asks about it, act as though you're ashamed for having been so foolish. The
next day, pretend to drink some gasoline before doing your homework, and
explain to your roommate that gas is cheaper than electricity.

Written by Rachel Guagliardo
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