INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT

You must first remove all 10 layers of the plastic cover. By doing so you
agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. Then remove
the box from the shipping container. Remove the wrapper box from around the
dinner tray, and discard the 20 lbs of packing and spacer cardboard. That
cardboard is not certified for edibility.

You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute
an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell
and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the
oven using these keystrokes: mstvdinn /08.5min/50%/heat. Then enter:
ms\strtcook dindin /yummy/|/yum~yum/gohot/#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will
set itself and procede to do what it feels is right, which MIGHT include
cooking the dinner. If not, rearrange all desk accessories, add an
additional 16MB of RAM, and upgrade to the next release of the OS.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the
dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the
desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time
and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification. Set the oven
using these keystrokes: <<\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// Then enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven
must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the
oven and enter < necessary to reset all circuit breakers, including those at the power
company sub-station. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging
the microwave and then doing a cold reboot, allowing at least a day for
thermal restabilization. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware
vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than
the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are
empty. These are for future menu items. Do not attempt to alter, nor remove
any of the "reserved" compartments. If the tray is too large to fit in your
oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and any purchased
through any other retail source are considered "gray market" and are not
supported. Only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want
another variety, call Microsoft Help at 1-900-555-1212 and they will
explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is
all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size.
Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in
Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that
version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in
advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer,
causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your
freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

(Thanks to Fred Cisin cisin@uclink.berkeley.edu)

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