From: Renee Captor (Flam1ngo@aol.com)

Special Gifts

I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day! Simple
things like:

* Open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the washing
machine,
* Plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from room to room cleaning.

Guys, it's these little thoughtful things you can do to have a marriage
such as mine!

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Here's a list of what NOT to give her for Valentines Day:

1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact
you ate all the carmel ones.
2. Lingerie that you think will look almost as good on her as on the
Victoria's Secret model.
3. Any clothing item with the words "push-up" or "slim-down" on the label.
4. Any food item with the words "diet", "light", or "high fiber" on the
label.
5. Any video starring Sylvester Stallone, Jim Carrey, or Jenna Jameson.
6. Flowers from a hospital's gift shop--or worse, a mortuary's.
7. Poetry, no matter how heartfelt, that starts out "There was once a girl
from Nantucket..."
8. Anything you ever gave another woman, including your mother.
9. Any household appliance, power tool or other item from the harder side
of Sears.
10. A gift certificate.
11. Cash.
12. Anything you could have bought at the gas station mini-mart on the way
over, even if you didn't.
13. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"

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Absence

I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip. I wired
flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse.
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Marketing Idea!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man
standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink
envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle
and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and
asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed,... 'Guess
who?!?!?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"Just drumming up business." the man replies. "I'm a divorce lawyer!"

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Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as
Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as
athletic as Jimmy Conners.

Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as
Jimmy Connors, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger and
nothing like Robert Redford -but you'll take him anyway.

- Judith Viorst

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If You Love Somebody

I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it
free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with."

However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version. In
which category do *you* fall?

"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

"The New Versions"

Pessimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat
*

Vengeful
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back,
Hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial
Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and
tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high,
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan
If you love somebody, Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Overpossessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.

HR Specialist
If you love somebody set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

MBA
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously...and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

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LONELY HEARTS

How honest are people likely to be in describing themselves or what they
seek? This is a compilation of possible interpretations of the most
commonly used words and phrases in the Lonely Hearts columns, in the UK.

AFFECTIONATE LADY SOUGHT
Schoolboy seeks filthy-minded older woman with gigantic tits.

ARTIST
Likes to decorate the Christmas tree, or: broke, smokes a lot of dope and
talks nonsense about Existentialist Espressionism.

ATTRACTIVE
Ugly.

AVERAGE HEIGHT
For a pygmy.

BEAUTIFUL
Her mother used to tell her that she was a beautiful little girl. That was
45 years ago.

BISEXUAL GIRLS SOUGHT
Dirty old man wants to watch lesbians in action.

BONDING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
"Bonding" is the key word. Expect handcuffs and leather implements.

BUSINESSMAN
Old, divorced, fat. Sells fake furs in flea markets.

BUXOM
Exceptionally so. Sagging, too.

CARING RELATIONSHIP SOUGHT
Sponging, 100% supportive relationship sought.

CAR-OWNING
Owns a 1958 Morris Minor.

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Valentine's Day Scorecard for Guys--- How did you rate?

1) SIMPLE DUTIES
You go out to buy her flowers: +5
But return with beer: -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing: 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something: +5
You pummel it with a six iron: +10
It's her cat: -10

2) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party: 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy:
-2
Named Tiffany: -4
Tiffany is a dancer: -6
Tiffany has implants: -8

3) SATURDAY AFTERNOONS
You visit her parents: +1
You visit her parents and actually make conversation: +3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television: -3
And the television is off: -6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear: -6
And you didn't even go to college: -10
And it's not really your underwear: -15

4) HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner: 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar: +1
Okay, it is a sports bar: -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night: -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team: -10
You give her a gift: 0
You give her a gift, and it's a small appliance: -10
You give her a gift, and it's not a small appliance: +1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate: +2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months: +30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day: -10
With her credit card: -30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big: -40

5) THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget to pick her up at the bus station: -25
Which is in Detroit: -35
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast: -50

6) A NIGHT OUT WITH YOUR PALS
You have a few beers: -9
For every beer after three, -2 again
And miss curfew by an hour: -12
You get home at 3 a.m.: -20
You get home at 3 a.m. smelling of booze and cheap cigars: -30
And not wearing any pants: -40
Is that a tattoo? -200

7) A NIGHT OUT, JUST THE TWO OF YOU
You go see a comic: +2
He's crude and sexist: -2
You laugh: -5
You laugh too much: -10
She's not laughing: -15
You laugh harder: -25

8) DRIVING
You lose the directions on a trip: -4
You lose the directions and end up getting lost: -10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town: -15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals: -25
She finds out you lied about having a black belt: -60

9) COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk, you listen, displaying a concerned
expression:+20
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes: +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes, without looking at the television:+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep: -10

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The Ten Commandments of Love

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt squeeze no others before me.

II. Thou shalt not take the name of they Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth me
behind my back.

III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy. Or else.

IV. Honor MY mother and father. THINE are too damn weird.

V. Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily and making me
embarrassed to be seen with thee.

VI. Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it if
thou knowest what's good for thee.

VII. Thou shalt not steal from my purse/wallet while I am in thy bathroom,
nor use my credit cards, nor make long-distance calls from my telephone.

VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.

IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor's house.

X. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's Squeeze, nor son or daughter, nor
stereo, nor BMW.

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Gift Alternatives

There were three men drinking in a bar, a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm
going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way if she
doesn't like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond
ring."

As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, "For Valentine's Day I'm
going to buy my wife a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way if she
doesn't like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold
bracelet."

As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, "For Valentine's
Day I'm going to buy my wife a t-shirt and a vibrator. This way if she
doesn't like the t-shirt she can go fuck herself!"

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And now, in the interest of providing all points of view, a Valentine's
Day Poem (with thanks to Cuzn Zeke):

Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
What the hell is all that shit for?
People get mushy and start acting queer
It is definitely the most annoying day of the year
This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass
I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
And wear all black for the rest of the week
Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
For all they are doing is trying to get laid
The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
Because I think love is a crock of shit
So there's the story...what else can I say?
Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!
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