Subject: Government Memo

TO: All Employees

FROM: The Premier

SUBJECT: Early Retirement

As a result of the SOCIAL CONTRACT implemented last year, immediate steps
are being taken to reduce the number of people on our payroll - a step
which we call "right-sizing". It is our intention to reduce the number of
older employees and retain younger, better educated, lower paid employees
throughout the province.

The program to phase out the older personel through early retirement will
be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Persons Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other
jobs outside the province. Also, if they are being RAPED, they can request
review of their employment records before actual retirement. This phase of
the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the
upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of this new policy, employees may
be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
Government of Ontario deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, s/he will be entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel for Early Severence). Since
HERPES is considered a benefit of the plan, any employee who has received
HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED.

The Province of Ontario wishes to assure the younger employees who remain
that management will continue its policy that employees will continue to be
well trained through the SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) Program.
This government takes pride in the amount of SHIT our people receive. We
have given our employees more SHIT than any other provincial government in
Canada, probably North America, and likely the World. If any employee feels
that s/he does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate
supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure that you
receive all the SHIT you can handle.

Thank You.
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