[H&R Block, editor's note: The following is a real letter submitted to the
IRS in the midst of last year's weird and bizarre denial of dependents,
exemptions, and credits. We believe the letter speaks for itself.]

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three
dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have
questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil
and expensive. It's only fair that since they are minors and not my
responsibility that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care
for these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the
next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the
deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you
put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions
about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to
hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a
breeze; Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you
will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over
keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have
the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to
fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also
has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the
universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind
her of the virtues of abstinence, and in the face of overwhelming passion,
safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be
handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Joycelyn
Elders, who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little
close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day
if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in
the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his
friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to
the local IRS office or to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on
a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big
deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time as he is sitting
out a few days of school after instigating a food fight. I'll take care of
filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his
friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it will
be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them
unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles,
or telephones. (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of
unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared quite by
magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came
from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals,
and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my
taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked On
Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it
yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying! It's
quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they
have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. She cannot speak
English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she
fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political
doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has
her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice.
She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced
four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I
am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, as
she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move
the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions so it is only fair you get to pick
which two you will take. I prefer that you take the youngest, I still go
bankrupt with Kristen's college but then I am free! If you take the two
oldest then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a
eenager. If you take the two girls then I won't feel so bad about putting
Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon
as possible as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover
the $395 in additional tax and to make a down payment on an airplane.

Yours Truly,

Robert W.

Note: Robert later notified us: "Rats, they allowed the deductions instead
of taking the kids!" Sometimes you just can't get a break.
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