Secretary of Agriculture
Washington DC

Dear Mr Secretary,

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a thousand dollar
government check for not raising hogs. So, I want to go into the "not
raising hogs" business. What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is
the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of
hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavour in
keeping with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks but if this is not a good breed not to raise, then I would just
as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of
this program will be keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very pleased about the future of the business. He
has been raising hogs for twenty years and the best he ever made on them
was four hundred and fifty dollars in 1968 until this when he got your
check for not raising any.

If I get one thousand dollars for not raising fifty hogs, will I get two
thousand dollars for not raising one hundred hogs? I plan to operate on a
small scale at first, holding myself down to about four thousand hogs not
raised which will mean about eighty thousand dollars the first year. Now,
another thing: These hogs I will not raise will not eat ten thousand
dollars bushels of corn. Will I qualify for payments for not raising and
wheat not to feed the four thousand hogs I am not going to raise? I want to
get started as soon as possible as this seems like a good time of the year
not to raise hogs or grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking the cows" business so please send
me information on that, too. In view of these circumstances, I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment benefits and food
stamps.

Patriotically Yours

I M Cheap
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