Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Cobol, oh Cobol
Date: 4 Jun 90 10:30:05 GMT
Keywords: computer, original, smirk

Dear Friends,

There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are forced to write
in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2 by saying "PRINT 2+2" or
something equally laconic (indeed the older ones amongst us can actually do
such calculations in our heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2
GIVING THE ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN
TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING"

So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here is a
typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary confinement with
nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company.

Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English Dictionary (20-odd
volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when this request denied.

Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own dictionary from
bits of bed linen and stale soup.

Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it to add
two and two.

Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual.

Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency engineering.

Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend codes.

Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his warder
brings him a bowl of porridge.

... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete cure can be
guaranteed.

Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with the
campaign, I just want some money.
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