BARBIES WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera,
detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself
in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,
UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as
compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make
ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out,
comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and
detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about
their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex,
booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex
toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the
right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.
Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver
kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie
Townhouse.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans.
Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull
cord and she says things like "I don't think so,""Dang, get outta my face,"
and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and
condesending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking
machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these
spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs to show
girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket
of dinner rolls, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a t-shirt reading "Only the
Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
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The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all,
both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu
tans and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where
Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include
a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens
who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this
doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school,
married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
(she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
disappear.
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[Editor's Note: This, like much of the material on this humor page, has
been floating around the net for some time. However, according to a page
that goes by the name of Hacker Barbe Dream Basement Apartment, this is
actually a ripoff of an original usenet post by Kurt Hemr. Whatever, I find
it amusing anyway.]

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
"Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of
these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own
xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series.
The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans
with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire.
Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the
incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to
go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly
consists of technical terms such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel,"
"NP-complete," and "Alpha AXP's."

"We are very excited about this product," said John Olson, Marketing
Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
dolls that say, "Math is hard," with condescending companions Ken. The
Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie
for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie
dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally
terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to
mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical
superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses."
Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind
by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My
daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two
days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as y'all know,
she now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how she duz it, but she
surely duz it. I jus don't wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama." Mattel
will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker
Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the
complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer
ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an
introduction to expository writing.
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