From: MDM@bnr.ca (D.M.)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Travel Tips (TRUE!)
Keywords: original, true, chuckle
Date: 19 Jul 91 23:30:05 GMT

The following bulletin was composed by Sonia Bot with some (small) help
from myself. The events depicted below are TRUE. I have eliminated the
hotel name so as not to be involved in legal hassles.

Diane MacMartin
Bell-Northern Research
mdm@bnr.ca
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bulletin:

from: Sonia Bot and Diane MacMartin

subject: Travel Tips

As some of you may already know, Diane MacMartin and I attended the
Computer Human Interaction (CHI) Conference in New Orleans last week. Diane
and I agreed to cut costs by being room mates, booking great seat sales,
and diet on granola bars. Our trip was an adventure that we'll certainly
never forget! Although it was very successful, we thought it would be wise
to pass on some tips for business travel...

So, if you ever find yourself in any of the following situations, just keep
your composure and think...


Situation What to do...
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You arrive in New Orleans and Simply ignore the bordello. Find
as you drive up to the front an alternate well lit and well
entrance of your hotel, you notice used entrance to the hotel. In
a bordello across the street... the morning, take a foto of the
bordello so people back home will
believe you!

You and your room mate are fast Make sure the rape chain is on the
asleep. All of a sudden you are door and go back to bed. Complain
awakened since someone claiming he to the front desk in the morning
is a maintenance man is pounding and get a $10.00 discount on your
on your door, wanting to get into room rate.
your room. You telephone the front
desk to ask what is going on. They
tell you they want to get into your
room because the person in the room
next door is locked out, and hotel
maintenance wants access to your
balcony to jump across to the next
one. You look outside your window
and don't see any balconies...

You and your room mate are fast Call the front desk to ask what is
asleep. All of a sudden you are going on. Make sure the rape chain
awakened since someone claiming he is on and go back to bed. Complain
is a maintenance man is pounding to the front desk in the morning...
on your door, wanting to get into
your room. He says your toilet is
causing a flood in the room below.
We didn't even use our toilet...

You and your room mate return to Notify the front desk. Notify them
your hotel room after a long day again after half an hour. Notify
at the conference. As you enter, again after an hour. Threaten that
you notice the toilet is stuffed you are about to wet your pants.
with towels... Complain to the front desk in the
morning...

You and your room mate return to Notify the front desk. Wait a
your hotel room after a long day couple of hours. Put on your
at the conference. As you enter, gloves and throw the dirty pile
you notice a pile of dirty linen out into the hallway. Complain to
on the TV counter... the front desk in the morning...

You and your room mate are fast Call the front desk to ask what is
asleep. All of a sudden you are going on. Make sure the rape chain
awakened since someone claiming he is on and go back to bed. Complain
is a housekeeping man is pounding to the front desk in the morning...
and yelling on everyone's doors...

You and your room mate decide to Learn to sing the "Gilligan's
go on a 3 hour sight seeing cruise Island" theme song. Get on your
on the Mississippi River. A hands and knees and pray really
hurricane comes into town during hard.
the cruise...

You and your room mate attend the Leave early. Go back to the hotel
CHI reception on the Steamboat room to read up on the next day's
Natchez. It is pouring rain... paper presentations.

It is pouring rain and the area Go out and buy a voodoo doll, and
is flooded. You recall Brian cast a spell on Brian...!!!
Carlson teasing you that he hopes
it will rain during our stay
in New Orleans...

You and your room mate are Move fast to the next street. Stay
shopping for souvenirs in the away from streets that are lined
French Quarter. You then notice with stakes adorned with horse
that you are one of the few women heads.
on the street that is not a
hooker...

You and your room mate are on Nonchalantly, pick up the alligator,
a cypress bayou swamp tour. and get your room mate to take a
The tour guide dares you to foto for proof. Then throw it back
pick up and hold onto an into the bayou.
alligator...

It's time to check out of your The front desk already knows you
hotel... well. Emphasize those dark circles
under your eyes. Accept the room
discounts and waivers for all long
distance telephone calls.

You are a few blocks from the Curse and swear alot. The car will
airport. Your rented car keeps eventually start before your plane
stalling, and your mini skirt is takes off.
packed at the bottom of your
suit case...

You spent a week in New Orleans (What do you expect from an
during the Jazz and Heritage airline that serves granola bars
Festival. You are flying back for breakfast!)
home and notice that there is no
jazz band playing on the plane...

Although we are being humourous, we'd like to remind you that when on
business travel, things may not always go smoothly. You may recall the
numerous incidents in Toronto's hotels last year, where someone would pose
as hotel staff, and lure guests to opening their doors, only to attack
them. Just remember, never open your hotel room door unless you are
absolutely sure who is on the other side.

You may wonder why we didn't check out of our hotel after our first
incident. Short of finding a safe alley and living out of our car, we could
not find any other accommodations in the city since there were no vacancies
due to other conferences and the Jazz and Heritage Festival. I found myself
in a similar situation in Halifax a few years ago when I presented a paper
at a Medical and Biological Engineering conference.

Keeping your head on straight and approaching these situations with good
humour will help make the trip a successful and enjoyable one. We did this,
and we'll fondly remember this trip as an adventure. But, we must admit, we
did get on our knees and kiss the ground when we arrived in Ottawa!

Sonia-Bot & Diane-MacMartin

P.S. We did make an appearance at the CHI conference! Stay tuned for our
technical trip reports...

P.S. Do not stay at the xxxxxxxx Hotel in the New Orleans suburb of
Metairie) even if it is an official hotel for the conference you are
attending.
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