True Tales of Induhviduals

From Dilbert Newsletter 18.0

Because you can't get enough of those whacky Induhviduals (the people who
are not members of the DNRC), here are more True Tales as reported by DNRC
operatives.

A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg,
VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check.
The clerk asked for her driver's license. The presented her West Virginia
drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from
her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at
least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify
West Virginia's statehood.
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A report from a 9th grader:

Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There
were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the
workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next
to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying
drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the
same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.
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When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to
convince one Induhvidual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her
clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.
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While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed in
spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not.
I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"

She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."
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The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his
class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in
the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from
rubbing my rod..."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.
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My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would
have presentations on the latest fashions from
around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer
held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a
trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive
designer and were about 200 pounds each.

An Induhvidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of
jeans weigh that much?!"
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I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I
couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name, so I said, "I
think her name is 'Zora.'"

The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have anybody here by that name." I
said, "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with."

She checked and said, "Oh, your appointment is with 'Zoya.'"

So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter
names beginning with Z anyway???
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I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an
employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,
e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint
counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the
(I kid you not) following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
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A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older
friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's
license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I replied,
"That ID is a few years old."

He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.
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At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters
around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and
'VAL E'.

This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you).
However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters
appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.
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At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air
from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment
were getting zapped constantly.

The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff
all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect
a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the
static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the
receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.

He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it
worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A
big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left
breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had
fallen off his sock.

[Editor: I'll bet she was Thor.]
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There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted
in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their
several locations:

"If it's in stock, we've got it!"
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The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's
invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she
called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This
continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the
vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior.
He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's
invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning
calling herself.
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Quotes taken from actual performance evaluations:

"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
definitely won't be."

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever
foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them."

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."


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