GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to
better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the
following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept
completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or
address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book

__ Television __ Divine
Inspiration

__ Word of mouth __ Near Death
Experience

__ Tabloid __ Burning
Shrubbery
__ Other
__ Bible (specify):
__________
__ Torah

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yaweh __ Father, Son & Holy
Ghost Triplet
__ Jehovah __ Jesus
__ Allah __ Satan
__ God __ G-d
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No

If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
__________________________________________

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please
check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to piss off parents
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before?
__ Yes __ No

If Yes, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu

__ Zeus __ The Almighty
Dollar

__ Apollo __ Left Wing
Liberalism

__ Ra __ Barney
T.B.P.D.
__ The great __ The Great
Spirit Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton

__ The Moon __ A burning
cabbage

__ The Bomb __ Other:
________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune
cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic
Friends Network __ Dianetics

__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or
Playgirl
__ Self-help __ Sex, Drugs and
books Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ ESP
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice

__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a
desert
__ Insurance
policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney __ Other:
T.B.P.D. _______________
__ Barney Fife __ None



7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer
(circle one)?

a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following:

(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters

flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5

b. Miracles

rescues 1 23 45
spontaneous remissions 1 23 45
stars hovering over
towns 1 23 45
crying statues 1 23 45
water changing to wine 1 23 45
walking on water (other
than the Hudson) 1 23 45
talking flaming
shrubbery 1 23 45
VCRs that set their own
clocks 1 23 45
Saddam Hussein still
alive 1 23 45
Cubs winning the Series 1 23 45
Clinton's re-election 1 23 45

9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the
quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):




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