Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Unix support hotline, may I help you?
From: toad@cellar.UUCP
Keywords: unix, chuckle, true

The following is original, but it's by our entire organization (which, for
safety's sake, must remain anonymous).

I work at the support hotline for a large company that sells Unix systems.
Customer calls are first handled by a group of receptionists, who determine
the general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it
on a queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call, so that the
support analysts can decide whether a particular call is within their area
of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally familiar
with Unix.

Sometimes the receptionist mangles Unix in a funny way.

* "Previous shelves have been filled. Processes are dangling."
* "Trying to get a back door booth"
* "Problem with supper block"
* "Questions on the fuzzy disk controller"
* "Problem with the getty desk"

Spelling errors can happen.

* "Question on COBOL air conditions"
* "Problem with defunk processor"
* "Mothly backup roots petition needs to verify"

Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:

* "System running in two time zones"
* "Error log file that self purges"
* "The program keeps changing"
* "Terminal is screaming"

There is some hardware we just don't support.

* "Getting rat errors"
* "Part number for prompt chip"
* "Put in new version of VCR has a couple of questions"

This is clearly NOT a software problem.

* "Terminal burning up -- smelling smoke"

Maybe the machine would be happier in another room.

* "Problems w/equiptment attached to Unix through short hall"

Users may get a little fed up.

* "The light is flashing"
* "Getting error message that says enough already"
* "Can something be done. If so, how?"

Maybe our software is just too boring.

* "Trying to run with terminal cannot get into software"

This one came up just before war broke out in the gulf.

* "Colonel destroyed"

Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

* "Users are getting bumped off and hanging up"
... What presence of mind, replacing the handset just as they die.
* "Printer not talking properly"
... Start it on the simple words: see Spot run...
* "Problem with PC going into the Unix box"
... Tell that PC to STAY PUT!
* "How much swab space?"
... Check the QTIP parameter, or blow your nose before calling us.
* "Command responds too rapidly"
... Maybe you can downgrade to a slower CPU.
* "Would like to kill a certain group of users"
... Yeah, well, wouldn't we all.
* "Syster is hung for the last 2 days"
... Sounds like a personal problem!

Finally, this one is just too theoretical.

* "How can she enter data into a hard coated field?"

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Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nutworks
Subject: 1991 Unix support headlines
From: toad@cellar.org
Date: Sat, 29 Feb 92 4:30:4 EST

(These went over well last year, so I kept a list for this year.)

I work at the support hotline for a fairly large Unix vendor. Customer
calls are intercepted by a group of receptionists, who determine the
general nature of each caller's problem or question and then place it on an
electronic queue. The receptionists attach a "headline" to each call, so
that the support analysts can decide whether a particular call is in their
area of expertise. Unfortunately, the receptionists are not generally
familiar with Unix.

Spelling errors can happen.

* "The cron log file has exceeded 250 mega bite"
* "Air message on consol"

Sometimes there is strange imagery involved. Picture this:

* "Cannot get into the library"
* "Runaway process boards"
* "Terminals need to be brightened up"
...you can ignore this problem until they're suicidal.
* "Question about braking when dialing in from a modem"
...calling from your car phone?
* "Does not see the boot"
...check the end of your foot.
* "Terminal has no cusor and making a high pitch wine"
...mmmm, just LOVE that high pitch wine!
* "Cannot get into Telnet"
...yeah, telnet is pretty boring.
* "Constant memory vaults"
...you're using too many JUMP instructions.
* "X's and O's on terminal"
...how cute, it's just telling you it loves you.
* "Terminal density is gone - cannot see screen"
...someone call a physicist -- their system is losing its mass!
* "Bust fault and reset of system"
...can the hardware guy install a bra?

There is some hardware we just don't support.

* "Install wife terminal"
* "Has a PC that knocks down all terminals"
* "Foot disk needs to be reformatted"
...contact your chiropractor.
* "Actuary on printer is out"
...are they at an insurance company?

This is clearly NOT a software problem.

* "Trouble with electrical smell on system"

This one came up a few weeks after Gorbachev had his trouble:

* "When logging on, getting overthrow signal"

Similarly:

* "Warning regent table overthrow"

Here's a stumper.

* "EGA controller error grade andy controller, bell doesn't work"

Users may get a little fed up.

* "Is it possible to communicate with a Unix machine?"
* "Too much paper during printing"

Sometimes, you just have to wonder...

* "Getting a parody error"
* "If terminal is off, can't get prompt back"
* "Having ahard disfailure"
* "Question about configuration of Woodperfect"
* "Set off a background process accidentally and wants to kill"
...I, too, would kill after making such a mistake.
* "Questions on fox based software"
...those animals really do understand relational databases!
* "Problem logging onto root, gets Chinese characters"
...oh, your console is upside-down.
* "Each time he accesses a dose you have to reset the terminal"
...wow, man, the screen is breathing...
* "Kill process logs users off system"
...it does tend to do that.
* "Question on repetitioning the disc"
...we have here a signed statement: you should increase swap.
* "Q how to do PCP over x dot 25"
...please, don't network under the influence.
* "UPS DOWN"
...and down is up, right, sir?

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