A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE IF THE PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN TO
REPUBLICAN PRESSURE

8:00 am Morning Stretch: Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting
passages of "Atlas Shrugged."

9:00 am Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood: King Friday sings "Elitism is
neat." The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely
continues. Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his neighbor.

10:00 am Sesame Street: Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more
judgemental. Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh. Bert and
Ernie are kicked out of the military. Jesse Helms bleaches all he Muppets
white.

11:00 am Square One: A MathNet episode "Ernest Does Trickle-Down." Jim
Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich and spending more on defense
will balance the budget.

Noon Washington Week in Review: Special guest Senator Bob Dole, explaining
why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank closings, farm
foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession, job loss, and trade
deficit can all be blamed on someone else.

1:00 pm Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Guest detective Pat
Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.

2:00 pm William F. Buckley's Firing Line: Guests George Will, Rush
Limbaugh, John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G.
Gordon Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran,
Paul Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan
the need for more conservative media voices.

3:00 pm Nature: Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine
guns to bag endangered species.

4:00 pm NOVA: "Creationism: Discredited, but what the hell?"

5:00 pm Newt Gingrich News Hour: Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present
in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he is
being shut out from national exposure.

6:00 pm Mystery Theater: Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock Holmes
team up to investigate Whitewater.

7:00 pm Great Performances: Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's
"Prelude to a Cultural War."

8:00 pm Masterpiece Theater: Ibsen's "A Doll's House." Phyllis Schlafly
adds to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives up her
independence while her husband chains her to the stove.

9:30 pm Washington Week in Review: Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John
Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy,
Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul Harvey,
Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss liberal media
bias.

10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World: How to Profit from Ozone Depletion

10:30 pm Nightly Business Report: Wall Street celebrates the end of all
laws regarding antitrust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.

11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle

11:01 pm Sign-Off
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