[Ed. Note: This is original from Dave Hemming (surfbaud@waverider.co.uk).
It was originally an answer he wrote for the Internet Oracle; he reworked
it as a standalone and posted it to rec.humor.funny.]

To: Microsoft Lawyers, Inc.
From: Azathoth, Nyarlathotep and Hastur, Elder Attorneys.

Sirs:

Our agents among the mortal herd have brought to Our attention your recent
product entitled Windows '95. Therefore We now give you statutory notice of
intent of proceedings to be taken against Microsoft by the Many-Angled
Ones.

With this suit We will show that Windows '95, and to a lesser extent all of
the Microsoft range of products, infringe upon the recognised
"look-and-feel" of the Elder Gods, for the following reasons:

* Windows '95 is a crawling abomination from the darkest pits of Hell;

* No man can be in its presence for too long without being driven into
gibbering insanity;

* A cult who worship it exist in secret amongst the mortal herd;

* Those who associate with it for too long develop common physical
characteristics, to wit: pale, clammy skin, bulging eyes, generally
unkempt physical appearance, tendency towards nocturnal living, change
in diet to that which normal men do not eat (in your case tacos,
burgers and Jolt Coke; in Ours, human flesh, Fungi of Yuggoth and the
blood of Alien Gods);

* Mysterious tomes that purport to explain this phenomenon are reputed
to exist; they are bound in an unnatural substance and only available
at a terrible cost to the user.

* The Microsoft range of products seek to utterly dominate the world,
and force all who dwell there to live in eternal damnation.

As you can see, Our case is very strong, especially when you consider that
most judges prefer not to have chittering things with tentacles for faces
scoop out their brains and eat them.

We hope that you will consider these points carefully and settle out of
court, since it is not Our intention to have your senior partners spend the
rest of their mercifully short lives under heavy sedation in a maximum
security psychiatric hospital. After all, it was the Lords of the Outer
Planes who gave humanity lawyers in the first place.

Respectfully yours,



pp. J. Arthur Hastur, LL.B., B.C.L, B.D
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