THE PERVERSE GUIDE TO GETTING HIRED

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

Part 1 - The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of
your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel
director's attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness,
or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's
cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now
and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store,
fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to live in.

To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written
equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's
orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment
with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your
name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your
most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a
good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your
picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10
glossies from Glamor Shots on top.

Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to
polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive
qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any
qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a
salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best
"spin" on a job seeker's skills:
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."

A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe
yourself as a "Grill Coordinator", or perhaps a "Culinary
Technician".
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."

Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!"
Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos
and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."

You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to
yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know
how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies."
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I worked in telemarketing."

Die you scumbag.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out
in a puddle of my own urine."

I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself
into his work!
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume,
and be sure to include as many of the following terms as
possible:

* Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
* Goal-oriented
* Forward-thinking
* Striving
* Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Part 2 - The Interview

So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again,
you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your
apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting
impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in
classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and
consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good
high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands,
so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump
right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's
some suggestions for opening lines:

* "The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
* "I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your
tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
* "Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
* "Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
* "The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible
rays."
* "I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot
their starship."
* "I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
* "I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight
109, it will be your last!"

Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have
plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider
handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear
super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin
powers, activate!"

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is
always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the
closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have
this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)" And certainly don't
forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been
obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to
remind them of your sincerity.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Back to Miscellaneous Jokes

Back to Tina'a Humor Archives main page