From sailorjim@juno.com Sun Aug 10 17:03:05 1997

COYOTE V. ACME
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe,
Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Homer Simpson, Presiding

Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-vs.-
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:

My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and
contiguous states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme
Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise,
incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and
territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of
business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the
actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the
United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to
product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has
purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that
company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him
bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary
labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are
at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such
injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability
to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is
self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant
via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to
use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of
the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and
sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote
gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and
precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of
fifty feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with
a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing
him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon
at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the
Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment
the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote
vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to
poorly designed sttering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent
braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket
Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B),
prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple
fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a
result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage
around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial
casts on all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged
to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an
aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use
this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably
similar to that which occured with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant
sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful
jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no
provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote
lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and
collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the
shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this
document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant:
the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb,
etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue
and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it
is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by
Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At
the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed
around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of
the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a
black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a
way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll
easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X.
Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and
then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalogue #78-832), climbed to
the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed,
approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant,
the fuse burned down to the stem, causeing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to
naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the
following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
1. Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2. Sooty discoloration.
3. Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle
in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
4. Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking,
frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
5. Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a
pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's
Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical
laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for
analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's
sudden and extreme malfunction. As advertised by Defendant, this product
is simplicity itself: two wood-and-metal sandals, each attached to
milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly
coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote
believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in
the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote
affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent
to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent.
Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched
in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release.
Within a short time Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path
coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well
within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the
distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release.
At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote
forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the
Acme Spring- Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As
the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in air.
Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent
feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight fo his head and
forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound,
whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision
followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had
begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs
adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote cam into contact with
the boulder, or the boulder cam into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both
came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this
process continued for some time.
The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage
to Mr. Coyote, vix., flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of
the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression
of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetion of blows along a
vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr.
Coyote's body tissues-- a rare and painful condition which caused Mr.
Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked,
and to emit an off-key, accordionlike wheezing with every step. The
distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major
impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly
of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is
our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the
detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder,
giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long
rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr.
Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can
only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would
make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize
the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over
again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these
larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of
seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages
(missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation)
of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to
reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven
hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full
amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers,
shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they
understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal
protection under the law.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------