Actual Church Bulletins1) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south
and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving
milk please come early.
3) Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
4) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an
egg on the Altar.
5) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
6) On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and
get a piece of paper.
7) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement on Friday.
8) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in school days.
9) This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a
Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man
(Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single
people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and
virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
14) Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the
study.
15) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
16) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor
will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
17) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.
18) Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
19) Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m.
Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
20) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in
celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
21) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
22) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are
due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.
24) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet,
The Lord Knows Why.
25) Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
26) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
27) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
28) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

29) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.

30) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
31) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
From "Anguished English," by Richard Lederer.


I'm told that these are all REAL church billboards, but a couple sound more like
announcements, so now doubt is cast on their authenticity. But it's worth a
laugh anyway...
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David A.
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green
who has Mrs Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.


These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a
church service:
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor John's sermons.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
join the choir.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."