THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

by Cathleen Twomey

On the first day of Christmas, my kitten ruined for me...
A batch of my special hand-print cookies. I had turned my back to grab the
cookie sheet sitting on the stove. In that micro-second, Sara climbed onto
the table, poked her paw into the delightfully kneady mixture and, suddenly
off-balance, fell into the cookie dough. Net loss? Six cups of flour, four
cups of sugar, three sticks of butter.... Of course, it would have been
cheaper to remove the feline ingredient, pick out the hairs, and just
rename the recipe Paw Print Cookies.

On the second day of Christmas, my kitten accompanied me....
On a trip to the vet clinic. Who knew that skinny curling ribbon has feline
taste appeal? I didn't. Damages: $28 for the office visit, $36 for
anesthesia so the veterinarian could take $55 X-rays in case Sara had
taste-tested any other Christmas decorations, and a heck of a lot of
embarrassment when the vet removed the 3' curly tail in slightly less than
two seconds by tugging at it with a pair of tweezers.

On the third day of Christmas, my kitten wrecked for me...
13 ornaments on my Christmas tree. My mistake was forgetting to chain the
decorations to the branches. My other error was leaving the room to go to
the bathroom while Sara feigned sleeping under the tree. How was I to know
the was actually measuring its climbing potential? Value of broken bulbs?
7.50 plus tax.

On the fourth day of Christmas, my kitten broke for me...
A statue in my Lenox Nativity. Would you believe two Wise men plus a head?
Lenox nativity figurines: $55.99

On the fifth day of Christmas, my kitten scratched for me...
The kid across the street who collects for charity. It was an accident. She
merely wanted to reach out and touch someone. Unfortunately, she used a
unsheathed claw to do so. I settled out-of-court for the cost of a jacket
to replace the boy's blood stained one and a hefty donation to the charity
of their choice. Although the amount must remain secret according to our
settlement, let me put it this way. You haven't seen many soldiers for the
Salvation Army this year, have you? Think: Major Windfall!

On the sixth day of Christmas, my kitten opened for me...
The presents beneath my Christmas tree. It was only two, really. While
doing some early shopping at a discount store, I purchased a catnip mouse
for Sara's stocking. Apparently, anything in the same bag as catnip takes
on its potent aroma for a very long time. Replacement costs: $3.99 for
another roll of Christmas wrapping paper, $4.50 for two empty boxes, $1
each for the kind of bows Sara can't unravel.

On the seventh day of Christmas, my kitten lost for me...
The earrings I bought for my sister Mary. Actually, it was one earring but
since Mary doesn't have a hole in her nose or navel, a pair of matching
earrings does make a more appealing gift. Sale price: $29.95 plus tax.

On the eighth day of Christmas, my kitten helped me...
Replace my E and G guitar strings. Would you believe a kitten could fit
into the itty-bitty hole in the middle of my Yamaha guitar? Neither could
I, but Sara thought so. And she succeeded once she got those rascally
strings out of the way. Unfortunately, her little rear end couldn't get out
the way I came in. After paying through the whiskers for her previous
escapades, I would have been willing to leave her in the guitar for the
duration of the holiday season, except that she chose to get stuck two
hours before I was due at the nursing home for our annual Christmas carol
sing-a-long. Set of steel guitar strings: $12.95; jar of petroleum jelly:
79 cents.

On the ninth day of Christmas, my kitten destroyed for me...
My Christmas card list when she walked across my computer's delete key.
Cost for call to Computer Country's 900/help line: $17.50. And I still
don't know what happened to the listings of B through H.

On the tenth day of Christmas, my kitten hid from me.....
The remote control from my 13-inch TV. This wouldn't be such a disaster if
she hadn't previously stolen the power knob. I missed a week's worth of
Christmas specials, including my all-time favorite, "It's a Wonderful
Life." Rental of "It's a Wonderful Life": $2; purchase of book, "Good
owners, great cats": $24.95. Unfortunately, it never mentions the
psychological profile of kittens with kleptomania.

On the eleventh day of Christmas, my kitten ate for me.....
The drumsticks off my 19-pound turkey. OK,OK, So this one time it was my
fault. I knew I never should have uttered those now infamous words: "Your
first turkey, Sara. Want to try just a little piece?" Cost: Christmas
Dinner.

On the 12th day of Christmas........
Sara rested. And so, thank goodness, did my VISA card.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------