[Editor's note: These are from various people on various lists. I might as
well start off with one I saw at the Newark Animal Hospital in Newark, DE,
which happens to be surrounded by car dealerships:

CAR DEALERS USING THIS LOT
FOR TURN-AROUND WILL BE NEUTERED

Appointments now being taken.

Enjoy! --TMM]
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Recently I was walking through Columbia's School of International Affairs.
Several of the doors had a most ingenious sign placed on them It was set up
in such a way that you'd only see it when the door was closed. The sign
read:

DOOR CLOSED

Up in Riverdale there are street signs printed entirely in uppercase
helvetica that read:

NO PARKING RULES WILL BE ENFORCED

In a supermarket in Westchester, I once saw:

THIS IS THE EXPRESS LANE.
YOU ARE LIMITED TO FIFTEEN ITEMS OR LESS.
THE NUMBER FIFTEEN IS NOT SUBJECT TO NEGOTIATION.

While in Venice one summer, I saw street signs as follows:


PER S.MARCO --->
<--- PER S.MARCO

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These are actual signs seen across the USA:

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil ought
to see the manager.

On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless
with child.

In a Florida maternity ward: No children allowed

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five santa clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personel

On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available in
multi-packs.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In a men's clothing store: 15 mens wool suits -- $10.00. They won't last an
hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you
can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school: No tresspassing without permission

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public
stops taking it away

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time to
wash your car.

Not a Through Street
No U-Turn

BUS STOP
Buses Excepted
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My favorite is on Pacific Coast Highway, somewhere in S. California.

"No motorized bicycles, horses or dogs allowed on pier"
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I recall seeing this sign in a cull-de-sac in Minnesota:

Street
Terminates
00 Feet

How's that for stating the obvious? (Your tax dollar at work :-)
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On I-90, in Washington State, near the Columbia River, a sign:

S C E N I C V I E W

[closed]
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A recently seen bumper sticker on the San Diego Freeway

"Hire college students while they still know everything"
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Signs of Our Times

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit
up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a
number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national
order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors
in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet
soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous,
efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of
Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed
over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men
and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each
other for that purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extrcted by the latest
Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city
tours -- we guarantee no miscarriages.

In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their
own skin.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in
all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the
USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children
in the bar.

At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water
served here.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

* English well talking.
* Here speeching American.

Italian Hotel Brochure: This hotel is renowned for its piece and solitude.
In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Rome hotel: Fire! It is what can doing, we hope. No fear. Not ourselves.
Say quickly to all people coming up down everywhere a prayer. Always is a
clerk. He is assured of safety by expert men who are in the bar for
telephone for the fighters of the fire to come out.

Polish Tourist Brochure: As for the tripes serves you at the Hotel Monopol,
you will be singing its praise to your children as you lie on your
deathbed.

French Hotel: A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trouser.

French Restaurant Menu: Extract of fowl, peached or sunnyside up.

French Swimming Pool: Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Savior.

Spanish Hotel Ad: The provision of a large French widow in every room adds
to the visitors comfort.

Madrid Restaurant Menu: Tarts of the house.

Madrid Hotel: Peoples will left the room at midday of tomorrow in place of
not which will be more money for hole day.

Athens Restaurant Menu: Chopped cow with a wire through it. *Bowels in
sauce** *shish-kebab **tripe

On the Box of a Clockwork Toy Made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: skass@drew.edu

Here are three of my favorites (I actually saw them)

At a Santa Fe, NM gas station: "No gas will be sold to anyone in a glass
container". I have a photo of it in my office.

At a San Diego, CA department store: "For your convenience and safety, the
restrooms are located through the lingerie department." I don't have a clue
about this one. Unfortunately, I didn't have a camera. I _almost_ stole the
sign, but chickened out.

On Interstate 5 in San Diego, one of those big green signs reads: "Cruise
Ships Use Airport Exit."

When I lived in Montreal, I saw a lot of funny things in the supermarkets,
like "Swiss Chad" (those African countries are hard to keep track of) and
"Louse Onions", to name a couple.

The "No parking violators will be ticketed" exists in Madison, WI too. Of
course it's more like

NO PARKING
Violators will be ticketed

but is funny anyway.

Along the same lines I read in Risks about someone convicted of murder on
evidence including "plans to kill his wife and hide her body on a disk".

More disk funnies: The government of Columbia, according to Risks, lost the
final version of its proposed constitution because no backups or hard
copies of the files were kept. Maybe that's why Jac Fried has a xerox of a
diskette in his office captioned "Be sure to make copies of all your
diskettes."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 5 Oct 1995 11:18:45 +0200
From: Cornelia.Hermann@spoor.ssw.transnet.co.za

I came across a Silly Sign posted near a Slimes Dam at Saldanha Bay (Iron
Core export Harbour), South Africa, and want to share it with you.

W A R N I N G !
To all seagulls swimming in RED WATER is strictly prohibited.
By order.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From jtrst10@pitt.edu Fri Nov 17 13:20:00 1995

Here is a sign I saw in a supermarket, which was next to an athletic court,
in Pittsburgh, PA

Dear customers -- It has come to our attention that some of our customers
insist on playing with their balls while they shop. We do not feel that
this is appropriate behavior. Therefor, failure to refrain from playing
with your balls will result in the manager comfiscating them, putting them
in drawer in her office, and using them for her own purposes. . .once you
have been removed from your balls, you are not permitted back into our
store for ten days after the offense.
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From carissa@kersur.net Sat Dec 23 21:25:49 1995 Date: Sat, 23 Dec 95
21:20:28 -0800

There is a sign on the town common of my hometown, Franklin, MA, that
reads:

NO UNAUTHORIZED TRESPASSING AFTER NINE PM.

I don't know how you can be an authorized trespasser, but I guess the town
knows.

Carissa Langille
carissa@kersur.net
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From: orbit@ix3.ix.netcom.com (Michael R. Grabois)
Subject:Best Sign
Date: Fri, 22 Dec 95 19:30:04 EST

Ski lift sign, as seen in the "Sunday Oregonian" (via "Parade" magazine's
annual end of the year celebration circa 1990):

Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss of skiing
privileges.
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A French radio station closed its programming day with this note: "We hope
you have enjoyed our nocturnal emissions and will be with us tomorrow for
more."

When a French Canadian politician was applauded by an American audience, he
beamed, "l thank you for giving my wife and me the clap! I thank you from
the heart of my bottom!"

A notice in a Madras, India, newspaper proclaimed, "Our editors are
colleged and write like the Kipling and the Dickens."

In The Moscow Times an ad under the heading "interpreting" advised, "bet us
your letter of business translation do. Every people in our staffing know
English like the hand of their back. Up to the minuet wise-street phrases,
don't you know, old boy."

IN A SARAJEVO HOTEL: Guests should announce abandonment of their rooms
before 12 o'clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o'clock for the
use of the room before 5 at the arrival after the 16 o'clock at the
departure will be billed as one more night.

IN A HOTEL IN WEIFANG, CHINA: Invisible service is available for your rest
not being disturbed.

FROM A HOTEL BROCHURE IN QINGDAO: Hua Tian Hotel is among the few best
foreign affairs hotels.

IN THE BROCHURE OF AN ITALIAN HOTEL IN THE DOLOMITES AREA: Standing among
savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French
widow in every room. We can offer you a commodious chamber, with balcony
imminent to a romantic gorge. We hope you want to drop in. In the close
village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away.

IN A BROCHURE PROMOTING A SORRENTO HOTEL: Syrene Bellevue Hotel joins a
modern functional equipment with a distinguished and smart style of the
18th century. It is located on the seas, far off the centre a few minutes
afoot and owing to a number of gardens and sunny terraces, guarantee is
given for an ideal stay in stillness and absolute rest. The restaurant
salon with a large view of the Gulf of Naples, a restaurant service with a
big choice, the private beach to be reached by a lift from inside directly,
complete the undiscussable peculiarities of this unit.

FROM A VENEZUELAN TRAVEL BROCHURE: In this Expedition you will know the
highets waterfall in the world. From Canaima, through the Sabana, the
Jungles and the rivers Carrao and Churun, you'll enjoy one of the biggets
emotions of this life. And the facilities Camp. Guides as natives, all
experts, will bring you trough troubles waters, just where a few have made
it. Be you one of them. Meals in open fire never taste so goo.

ON A "FAMILY STYLE" RESTAURANT IN HONG KONG: Come Broil Yourself at Your
own Table.

ON A CHINESE MENU: Mr. Zheng and his fellowworkers like to meet you and
entertain you with their hostility and unique cooking techniques.

ON ANOTHER CHINESE MENU: Special cocktails for women with nuts

ON A GREEK MENU: Spleen omelet, fisherman's crap soup, calf pluck, bowels

OUTSIDE A MEXICO CITY DISCO: Members and Non-Members Only

SIGN ON A FERRY IN SAN JUAN HARBOR: In case of emergency, the lifeguard are
under the seat in the center of the vessel.

IN A JEWELER'S WINDOW IN INDIA: We shoot earholes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal
Church.

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please
see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched
by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this
sign."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Charlie Reiman (reiman@excite.com)
Subject: Humorous signs

A few signs I've seen around the SF bay area:

NASTY RESTAURANT (Was the Dynasty restaurant but the sign broke. The sign
is about 10ft in the air and about 2ft tall. It's hard to miss).

LO BALL POKER
LADIES WECOME (really. I'm not making this up. This sign has been up for
years.)

And my personal favorite, from a seasonal x-mas tree sale:

MERRY CHRISTMAS
FROM GRANDPAS
ENTRANCE

I love that last one. It makes people squirm when they hear it.
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On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for
this purpose.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
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