Gongs for Bongs

The following is from the British Sunday Express giving Gongs (medals) for
dubious distinctions in 1992.

Tortoise Trophy

British Rail, which ingeniously solved the problem of lateness in the
InterCity express train service by redefining "on time" to include trains
arriving within one hour of schedule.

Rubber Cushion

John Bloor who mistook a tube of superglue for his haemorrhoid cream and
glued his buttocks together

Crimewatch Cup

Gold star: Henry Smith, arrested moments after returning home with a stolen
stereo. His error was having tatooed on his forehead in large capital
letters the words "Henry Smith". His lawyer told the court:"My client is
not a very bright young man".

Silver star: Michael Robinson, who rang police to deliver a bomb hoax, but
became so agitated about the mounting cost of the call that he began
screaming "Call me back" and left his phone number.

Bronze star: Paul Monkton, who used as his getaway vehicle a van with his
name and phone number painted in foot-high letters on the side.

British Cup

To passengers on a jam-packed train from Margate to Victoria who averted
their eyes while John Henderson and Zoe D'Arcy engaged in oral sex and then
moved onto intercourse, but complained when they lit up post-coitus
cigarettes in a non-smoking compartment.

Flying Cross

To Percy the Pigeon, who flopped down exhausted in a Sheffield loft having
beaten 1,000 rivals in a 500 mile race and was immediately eaten by a cat.
The 90 minute delay in finding his remains and handing his identification
tag to the judges relegated Percy from first to third place.

Lazarus Laurel

To Julia Carson who as her tearful family gathereed round her coffin in a
New York funeral parlour, sat bolt upright and asked what the hell was
going on. Celebrations were short lived since Mrs. Carlson's daughter,
Julie, immediately dropped dead from shock.

Silver Bullet

To poacher Marino Malerba who shot dead a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock,and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
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