[Editor's note: This was written by Bob Gajarsky in the days when Bitnet
ruled and not everyplace was on the Internet. Relay was the Bitnet
equivalent of IRC, for those of you who were fortunate enough to miss it.]

Inspector's Relay Hints

GUYS!!!!!

GIRLS!!!!!

Can't find a mate on your own? Are you obnoxious to others when you meet
them in person, or just plain annoying? Do you live a life where you dream
about that special someone from another school, someone who you've never
met before? Then you want to join the meat market out there...

RELAY!!!!!!!

Yes, the place where you too can experience the thrill of enjoying someone
else's company without ever meeting the person...

Find that you are a female, and not many people talk to you? Just go on to
relay, and watch the guys come FLOCKING to you. It first starts with a
simple hello, then BAM!!!! private messages, then the DREADED ID file, then
an exchanging of photographs, then the guy wants to come over and visit you
in person! He'll usually ask for some measurements from you, seeing as he's
already told you how hard it is to be humble when he has a ten inch
"schlong" (thanks, Bob!). Tell him you are a 38-26-34, he'll love you!
Doesn't matter if they are accurate or not, because if he ever meets you in
person, he won't care anymore - it will be one of the few times he has ever
actually TALKED to someone of the female gender. Unless you count the time
he swore at the computer voice on that video game.

Guys - can't seem to find that girl of your dreams? Can't seem to find ANY
girl? Don't even know what a girl looks like? Well, hop on the relay
bandwagon. Pick a channel, any channel. Doesn't matter, they're all the
same (unless you are gay - then you want channel 33!). Anyhow, get on, and
say hi to everyone; it's the polite thing to do, and a nice way to try to
accomplish what you want (get a girl, ANY girl, in the sack). Start talking
to people - if you talk to another guy, chances are he won't answer because
he is trying to pick up GIRLS, not guys. He doesn't want you. So don't talk
to him (unless he knows some girl, which he probably doesn't).

Soon, you will find that the ratio of guys to girls is even worse than that
here at Tech, which means at least 7 guys to 1 girl. If you are real lucky,
you'll get on a channel with 3 girls. So, now you've started talking...

First, gotta find a nickname. If you are male, try hardbody, or teninches!,
or girlsluvme, or something equally untrue and inappropriate. Females -
choose something like Manhunter, 36D, or luvbutts! It will get people of
the other sex talking to you.

You're wondering why several of the other guys on the channel are
suspiciously quiet. Well, they're NOT quiet - they're sending private
messages to the lone girl on the channel, or to a girl on a private
channel! So, you better join in - pick any girl at random, and start
sending her private messages. Start telling her about how you are great at
the latest video game, how making love is SO difficult lately (no girl can
seem to resist me! what will i do?), and why classes are so hard lately
{but then again, everything is hard with me! * hee hee * :-) }.

Always remember to put in * hee hee * , * grin *, and other things like
that. Makes it appear that you are human. It's just an act, though.

OK, now you've got this girl in your sights. She's actually talking to you,
and she's put up with your gibberish about your sex life. Occasionally, you
and she talk about things in the REAL world, but both of you seem at a loss
for words. Can't talk about what you don't know. After some small talk, you
must send her your id, and maybe if you are lucky, get one back. OK, here's
Joe Goofball reading it...

"She likes horseback riding, romantic evenings, candlelight dinners,
kissing (Joe blushes - he's never KISSED a girl before, unless you count
his sister), and watching T.V. (Joe is finally happy! - he watches T.V. all
the time, when he is not on relay!)"

Next time Joe logs on relay, he finds this hot (cough! cough!) girl on
relay. Try having compusex with her! It's a fun, safe way to give yourself
pleasure you can't get any other way. Just ask her (through private
messages, of course!) if she wants to have computer sex with you. She'll
probably want to, of course. So, just act along with her - she might know
more than you about it, anyhow. It'll give you something to dream about,
unless...

You actually want to MEET this person! Doesn't matter if she lives 10 miles
away, or across the country. You can fly out to meet her. If she's as
desparate as you are, she'd love to have you come out to meet her. Maybe
you two can spend an evening together on the computer or something...

Or, you can be like a person from Philadelphia...who "found" the perfect
girl for him. They exchanged letters, and phoned each other constantly.
Finally, he decided to visit her (note that no pictures had been exchanged)
in Michigan, and flew up there.

He was in an all girls dorm, and when he met this girl, she was "the
ugliest, fattest girl i had ever seen" {his quote - i can only guess how
boring he was}. So, what did he do? (his quote again) - "I slept with her".
Why, you ask? "Because I had to get something for my money".

If you don't want to meet the girl in person, YET you have had compusex
with them...what better way to show your love for this person than a relay
marriage? Relay marriages are safe, you never have to worry about alimony,
AND, in Bitnet land, bigamy is legal!!! So, get married to two or three
people - have computer sex with all of them - it's safe, fun, and you don't
have to worry about any nifty diseases...

Wait, you say! You don't want to pick up a guy or girl for life on relay?
You're a girl, and afraid that some guy will try to pick you up? Well, you
can either 1) sign on to relay as a guy, and talk normally or 2) "If you're
from Stevens Tech, I'm a guy! Really!" [thanks, Jenny!]

The hardest trick of all is to find a person on relay who is actually three
dimensional. Most are two dimensional - just like the video screen that
they are looking at.
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