Dead Men Read No Mail

By Scott Hanson, from the Orlando Sentinel Star newspaper

My father died on Jan 02, 1995. He left no forwarding address.

Therefore, it fell to me to collect his mail. I didn't expect much really,
since my sisters and I had been careful to notify his bank, insurance agent
and a host of other businesses that one of their customers was no more.

You would think a death notice would cut down on the amount of
correspondence from those firms. Quite the contrary. Instead -- for months,
mind you -- my deceased father continued to receive mail from companies
that had been told of his passing but pressed on, determined to contact him
anyway.

The first to hope for a reply from beyond the grave was my father's bank.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate payment is due for overdraft protection on
your checking account. Efforts to contact you have proven
unsuccessful. Therefore, we are automatically withdrawing your
monthly $28.00 service charge from you account. Please adjust
your records accordingly.
Sincerely,
The Phoenix Branch

Dear Phoenix Branch,
This is to notify you once again that Mr. Hanson died Jan 02,
1995. It is therefore unlikely he will be overdrawing his
account. Please close his account, and adjust your books
accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hansom

Later that same week, I receive this note from Dad's insurance company.
Again, this is a firm that had been told in no uncertain terms of his
death.

Dear Mr. Hanson,
It's time to renew your auto insurance policy! To continue your
coverage, you must send $54.17 to this office immediately.
Failure to do so will result in the cancellation of your policy,
and interruption of your coverage.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent

Dear Insurance Agent,
This is to remind you that Mr. Hanson has been dead since
January. As such, the odds he'll be involved in a collision are
quite minimal. Please cancel the policy, and adjust your books
accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson.

The next day, I went to my mailbox to find this:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Let me introduce myself. I am a psychic reader, and it is very
important that you contact me immediately. I sense that you are
about to enter a time of unprecedented financial prosperity.
Please call the enclosed 900 number immediately, so I can tell
you how best to take full advantage of the opportunities that are
coming your way.
Sincerely,
Your Psychic Reader

Dear Psychic Reader,
My father regrets he will be unable to call you 900 number. As a
psychic reader, I'm sure you already know my father is dead, and
had been for more than three weeks when you mailed your letter to
him. I sense my father would be more than happy to take you up on
your offer of a psychic reading, should you care to meet with him
personally.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson
P.S. Should you be in contact with my father in the future,
please ask him if he'd like to renew his car insurance.

A few months of calm passed, and then these arrived:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records indicate a balance of $112 has accrued for overdraft
protection on your checking account. Efforts to contact you have
proven unsuccessful. Please pay the minimum amount due, or
contact this office to make other arrangements. We appreciate
your business and look forward to serving all of your future
borrowing needs.
Sincerely,
Your Bank's San Diego District Office

Dear San Diego District Office,
I am writing to you for the third time now to tell you my father
died in January. Since then, the number of checks he's written
has dropped dramatically. Being dead, he has no plans to use his
overdraft protection or pay even the minimum amount due for a
service he no longer needs. As for future borrowing needs, well,
don't hold your breath.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Records show you owe a balance of $54.17 to your insurance agent.
Efforts to contact you have proven unsuccessful. Therefore, the
matter has been turned over to us for collection. Please remit
the amount of $54.17 to our office or we will be forced to take
legal action to collect the debt.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

Dear Collection Agency,
I told your client. Now I'm telling you. Dad's dead. He doesn't
need insurance. He's dead. Dead, dead, dead. I doubt even your
lawyers can change that. Please adjust your books accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

A few more months, and:

Dear Mr. Hanson,
Our records show an unpaid balance of $224 has accrued for
overdraft protection on your checking account. Our efforts to
contact you have proven unsuccessful. Please remit the amount in
full to this office, or the matter will be turned over to a
collection agency. Such action will adversely affect your credit
history.
Sincerely,
Your Bank's Los Angeles Regional Office

Dear Los Angeles Regional Office,
I am writing for the fourth time to the fourth person at the
fourth address to tell your bank that my father passed away in
January. Since that time, I've watched with a mixture of
amazement and amusement as your bank continues to transact
business with him. Now, you are even threatening his credit
history. It should come as no surprise that you have received
little response from my deceased father. It should also be small
news that his credit history is of minor importance to him now.
For the fourth and final time, please adjust your books
accordingly.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

Dear Mr. Hanson,
This is your final notice of payment due to your insurance agent.
If our firm does not receive payment of $54.17, we will commence
legal action on the matter. Please contact us at once.
Sincerely,
Your Insurance Agent's Collection Agency

Dear Insurance Agent's Collection Agency,
You may contact my father via the enclosed 900 number.
Sincerely,
Scott Hanson

It has now been a couple of months since I've heard from these firms.
Either the people writing these letters finally believe my father is dead,
or they themselves have died and are now receiving similar correspondence.

Actually, there has been a lesson in these letters. Any one of them would
be cause for great worry, if sent to a living person. The dead are immune
from corporate bullying. There's nothing like dying to put business
correspondence in its proper perspective.

Perhaps that's the best reason not to fear death. There's no post office
there.

(Scott Hanson is a news reporter and anchor with WESH-Channel 2 in
Orlando.)
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