The following is a true story from the not-yet-formed archives of WMNJ
88.9fm "The Voice of Drew University"

THE 12-HOUR SAGA OF...DAVE

by Carolyn Dascher

During the school year, WMNJ is not able to be on the air 24 hours a day.
Therefore, certain DJ's open up the station at 6 in the morning and others
shut it down at 2 that night. One of these DJ's, let's call him Dave, is an
idiot.

Please note: Just for a visual image for you, he is rather oaf-ish in
appearance, big and stupid-looking. Bad haircut and disturbing facial
expressions. Wears a trench coat that makes him look like a flasher.

Please note: On one wall in the studio is all the info you need about WMNJ.
In large, friendly letters is:

"ALL questions and problems are to be sent via voice-mail to the business
line of the radio station, and not to the exec board's personal phones.
Thank you."

Also, the business line sent out a distlist message to all the DJ's a week
prior, saying that the station will shut down every night at two am.

Dave has a show from midnight until two am. Here's how the day went.

2:41 pm: Air Staff Director (ASD) receives phone message in her own
voice-mail box from Dave that says "Uh...yes...Carolyn, this is Dave. I
have a show tonight and I was wondering if I'm supposed to shut down the
station after my show. Uh...just call me back."

2:03 pm: ASD replies back to message: "Yes, Dave, you do in fact have to
shut down. The instructions are on the wall. If you have any problems, call
me."

Please note: That last statement, of course, was a BIG mistake.

Please note: ASD does not dare to actually telephone Dave for fear that she
might not be able to get him off the phone in time for a dinner meeting at
5:30 that evening.

12:30 am: Dave is one half-hour into his show. ASD's phone rings.

CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART ONE

DAVE:Yes...um...Carolyn...this is Dave. I'm at the radio station right now
and I want to know what I need to do to shut down. I do need to shut down
after my show, right?
ASD: Yes, you do Dave. Did you get my message this afternoon?
DAVE: Um...why...um...yes, I did.
ASD: (to self) Okay, then why the hell are you calling me?
(to Dave) What's up?
DAVE: Um...well...yes. I want to know what I need to do to shut down.
ASD: (experiencing deja-vu) The instructions are on the wall, Dave.
DAVE: Um...yes...I know that...and...um...now exactly where would they be?

Please note: WMNJ has a very small broadcast studio. One can read the
posted material on the wall from the other side of the room.

ASD: (to self) Oh Lord.
(to Dave) See that paper on the wall that says Shut-Down Procedures? Follow
that. It's easy.
DAVE: Um...yes...I do see it. The one next to the Sublist, right?
ASD: (to self) Way to go Dave, you're a bright boy.
(to Dave) That's it.
DAVE: Okay...yes...well...um...all I need to do is follow that?
ASD: Yep.

Please note: The ASD does not make the mistake of repeating "Call me if you
have any problems" for fear of re-awaking the idea in Dave's muddled brain.

DAVE: Yes...well...um...and I can call you if I have any problems?
ASD: (to self) Damn, too late.
(to Dave) If you need to...
DAVE: Yes...well...um...thank you, see you later.

12:35 am: ASD heaves sigh of relief.

CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART TWO

1:10 am: The Chief Engineer's (CE) phone rings. It's Dave. Dave wants to
know what he needs to do to shut down, and of course, to check if he should
in fact shut down and not wait for the next DJ and does she know what the
station will be shut down when she gets there.

1:18 am: ASD's phone rings. It's the CE.

ASD: Hi there! Had any interesting converstations lately?
CE: Very funny. Can I kill him?
ASD: Sure, go ahead. But do me a favor?
CE: What?
ASD: Make it slow and painful and let me help.
CE: Sure.

2:07 am: ASD's phone rings. Praying that it's not Dave, and that it's maybe
Public Safety instead, calling to inform her that her car has just been
towed from campus because it blew up, she answers.

CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART THREE

DAVE: Yes...well...um...Carolyn, I'm about to close down the station and I
just wanted to check with you about, well, um, closing down.
ASD: (to self) Dave, you're not really human, are you?
(to Dave) Just follow the instructions, Dave, that's all you need.
DAVE: Okay...yes...well...um...I think I may have a problem.
ASD: (to self) Just one? I think not.
(to Dave) And what's that, Dave?
DAVE: I don't seem to know how to turn off the cart machines.

Please note: In the shut-down instructions it says to shut off the CD
players, the cassette deck and the turntables. Do you read the words "cart
machines" anywhere?

ASD: Don't worry, Dave, you don't have to.
DAVE: Yes...but Adam (the CE) told me to turn off all the equipment.
ASD: I'm sure he didn't mean ALL the equipment, Dave. Just follow the
instructions.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...are you sure? Adam told me all the equipment.
ASD: Well, I'm telling you turn turn off ONLY the CD players, the cassette
deck and the turtables. Goodbye, Dave.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...if you're sure. Is there anything else I need to
know?
ASD: (to self) Yes. It would make me very happy if you went to go play in
traffic. Goodbye, Dave.
(to Dave, hoping this little bit would shut him up) Okay, Dave, after you
turn everything off, there will be a low hissing sound. Don't worry about
it. That's the monitor, it never gets turned off. Okay?
DAVE: Yes...okay...um...a low hissing sound...yes...um...I understand.
Okay. (pause)
ASD: Goodbye, Dave.

2:20 am: Dave should have been long gone from the station by now. Instead
the (sleeping) CE's phone rings.

CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART FOUR

DAVE: Yes...Adam...this is Dave. I'm down at the--
CE: (to self) Dave, please drop dead. Now. Right now.
(to Dave) What's up?
DAVE: Yes...well...um...I was just wondering if you wanted me to shut down
the board.
ASD: What???!!!
DAVE: Shouldn't I shut down the board? There is a low hissing sound--
CE: (to self) Kill. Kill. Kill.
(to Dave) Dave, do NOT touch the board. It only gets turned off at the end
of the semester. Do NOT touch it. The low hissing sound is because of the
monitor. It always does that.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...okay...I understand. See you later.
CE: (staring at phone) Kill mutant! Kill mutant! Kill mutant!
CE's ROOMMATE: Huh? What mutant? Who's a mutant?
CE: Shut up.

2:25 am: ASD's phone rings. ASD has inner conflict over answering phone.
Maybe it really is Public Safety this time.

CE: Guess who just called me.
ASD: Dan Quayle.
CE: No, worse. Dave.
ASD: Why does that not surprise me?
CE: He wanted to shut down the board.
ASD: What???!!!
CE: You bet. He heard a low, hissing sound so he wanted to shut down the
board.

ASD proceeds to tell CE about the prievious convo with Dave.

CE: You know, idiot just doesn't fit.
ASD: No, it doesn't. How about moron?
CE: Yes! Moron! That's it!
CE's ROOMMATE: Who's a moron?
ASD: Definitely.

ASD's call waiting beeps in.

ASD: Adam, hold on, I have another call. I wonder just who it could be.

ASD answers second call. And it's.............MORON MAN!

CONVERSATIONS WITH DAVE, PART FIVE

Please note: If Dave had a life or a clue, this probably wouldn't be
happening, but he has neither, so it is.

ASD: Hello?
DAVE: Yes...well...um...Carolyn, this is--
ASD: I know, Dave. Is there a problem?
DAVE: Yes...well...um...I don't seem to have a key to lock the door.
ASD: (to self) No, Dave, not only do you not SEEM to have a key, you don't
HAVE one at all! And there's a reason for it, you MORON!
(to Dave) You don't need one, Dave. The door locks automatically behind
you. It's in the instructions.

ASD realizes how truly useless that last phrase really was.

DAVE: Okay...well...um...I understand now.
ASD: (to self) Good boy, Dave. Now go away.
DAVE: Yes...well...um...I'll be seein' ya!

ASD resumes convo with CE

CE: What did he want?
ASD: He needed the key.
CE: Huh?
ASD: To lock up.
CE: But you don't need a key to lock up.
ASD: Right! But Dave does.
CE: Can we say...death to Dave?
ASD: One, two, three...
CE and ASD: DEATH TO DAVE!!
CE's ROOMMATE: (half asleep, mumbling, but with feeling) Death to Dave.

THIS HAS BEEN THE 12-HOUR SAGA OF...DAVE!
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