[Editor's Note: This came to me through the Feline-L list. I do not know
the author's e-mail address, but please, if you forward this, leave her
name so as to give credit where it is due.]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if
you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop
pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is
down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just
as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and
pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open
cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws
are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or
woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------