Letters to the Editor

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
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Dear Sir:

I feel I must write to take exception to the disparaging tone evident in
your coverage of the Sea Lamprey. Contrary to popular belief, Sea Lampreys
are gentle and loving creatures, not the bloodthirsty "parasites" you make
them out to be. I have 19 Lampreys I've raised from infancy, and they have
enriched my life with their playful antics. As I write this, I am sitting
in the tank of my seventh Lamprey, Bernice, who is attached to my shin. It
is simply human ignorance which breeds fear of these creatures, for the
anti-coagulent they secret makes their feeding painless, turning it into a
loving communion between human and sea creature. I simply take ordinary
precautions, such as not allowing them to attach to my eyeballs. Please,
practice responsible journalism and dispel these cruel myths about an
essential member of God's diverse creation.

Sincerely,
M.P.
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Dear Editor,

Please, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, print this letter!

Thank you,
J.H.
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Dear Editor:

I must point out a glaring error made in last Tuesday's obituary page. I am
not, in fact, dead, as you reported. Nor is my name even Clarence Fenbrook,
as you stated, it is Roger Wembly, and I am a spritely 52 years of age
rather than the figure of 74 you printed. I am also neither a Shriner nor
an enthusiast of Naval History as your piece reported. In fact, absolutely
nothing at all in your article was correct! I believe you have a
responsibility to the community to get your facts straight, and I hope you
will do so in the future.

Undeceasingly yours,
Roger Wembly
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Dear Editor:

My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas &
decided to have a small dessert. Because our family are such cookie lovers,
we decided

(*RIP* crumple, crumple)
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Dear Fellow Traveller,

I must bring to your urgent attention a matter of the greatest importance.
It has been brought to my attention by my friends residing on other worlds
that our own Earth is in great jeopardy. Our continued persecution of the
wise Cetaceans and gentle Yeti has required the Solar Nations of the
Pleides Federation to direct towards our world a Great Energy Field of
Spiritual Negation. All conscious beings of our world must take action
immediately to ward off the danger. We must center our Energy Chakras with
a combination of ginseng tea and amber light therapy, place a rose quartz
crystal quite firmly in each nostril, and retain all bodily wastes in
carefully indexed pyramidal containers. Please, take heed, and alert your
readers.

Yours in the 7th Atlantean Astral Plane of Aquarius,
J.W.
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Dear Friends,

My name is Dave Rhodes. In September 1988 my car was reposessed and the
bill collect

(*RIP* crumple crumple *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*)
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Dear OPPessor of the Podunkese-American PeoPle:

It is with the greatest outrage that I write to you over the continued
victimization of my People, the Noble Podunkese- Americans. You daily
assault our dignity with your lack of ProPer coverage of Podunkese-American
achievements. I have yet to see any mention of the True Facts of our
discovery of the telePhone, mathematics, and ancient voyages to Vens. I
demand that this bigotry and marginalization of the Podunkese cease
immediately, and that henceforth you accord us our ProPer dignity by
caPitalizing at all times the letter P in recognition of our true sPiritual
stature.

Teacher of Truth,
RalPh Podunkus
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Dear Ed:

Yes, that's right, I simply called you Ed, rather than Editor. How did it
feel? Did you not feel belittled? Small? Well, that is how I felt the
preceding Wednesday, when, in your coverage of my (false) arrest for
mopery, you simply abbreviated my name as "L. G. Smith." This terse
monicker insults the dignity of my true Christian name and the honor of my
sainted parents who bestowed it upon me. It is indeed a sad day when your
reckless haste to grab a "scoop" outweighs the respect you owe to those you
cover.

Sincerely,
Lord Grand High Poobah Chancellor Of The Exchequer Phineas Edwardo Ponce De
Leon Brouhaha Naughty Bits Pinchwiggle Smith III
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