Newsgroups: alt.callahans
From: seanr@fs-gate.uchicago.edu (Sean Roberts)
Subject: MSTie-eye and hazy (was: LATINO WOMEN AWAIT!!!!)

(Fade into the Satellite of Love, where Tom Servo and Crow are looking at a
magazine.)

Servo: Wow!!! Check out the chips on this baby!
Crow: Man, she could feed an army!
Servo: Hurry up and turn to the centerfold...

(Joel enters from stage right.)

Joel: Hi, guys, what are you reading?
Servo: Oh, uh, nothing...
Crow: Yeah, and you can't stop us from doing it, either!
Joel: Let me see that... (takes the magazine) Playbot?!? You guys aren't
old enough to be looking at this...
Crow: It was Tom's idea!
Servo: I just wanted to read the interview with Bill Gates - *you* were the
one who turned to the pictures.
Crow: Did not!
Servo: Did too!
Joel: Knock it off, guys. So my two little bots are growing up, huh? Guess
you guys have some questions for me...
Servo: Umm, no, actually I think we've got it covered, Joel...
Crow: I have a question!
Joel: Ok, Crow, go ahead.
Crow: Ok, say I went into a bar, and met this really cool lady bot. We have
a few jolts, then she wants to go back to my place. What do I do after
that?
Joel: Well, you go on back to your place, and then you watch TV.
Crow: And?
Joel: Um, you talk?
Crow: C'mon, Joel, get to the good stuff! What about - you know?
Joel: Oh, that... I don't think you're ready to start learning about
preventive maintenence yet. Maybe when you're older. Hold on, the Mads are
calling.

(The viewscreen opens.)

Frank: Hello, Joel, Tom, Crow. How are you today?

(Joel and the bots regard each other for a second.)

Joel: We're fine, except for being stuck in outer space, I guess...
Crow: Yeah, what kind of question is that, blubber boy?
Joel: Crow...
Frank: Well, Dr. Forrester wanted to know. Oh, here he is now - I'll let
him explain it...
Dr. Forrester: Good evening, my little pet project... Tonight, we're going
to change the pace a little. Instead of our normal experiment, we're going
to patch through a netnews feed that we picked up. I think you'll find
it... TERRIBLE! Muah-hah-hah-hah! Hit the button, Frank!

(Lights begin to flash on the SOL.)

Joel & the bots: MOVIE SIGN! WE'VE GOT MOVIE SIGN!

(Everyone clears the set, and Cambot moves through the tunnel as the doors
open: 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1. And the theatre comes into view, as Joel
enters, carrying Servo, followed by Crow.)

Joel: I hope this won't take long; I've got to go brush my teeth.
Crow: Yeah, and make sure you use mouthwash this time, halitosis boy!

In article <30C7098F.6C5D@cris.com> bigzoo@cris.com writes:
>From: bigzoo@cris.com
>Subject: LATINO WOMEN AWAIT!!!!

Servo: But what are they awaiting for?
Crow: A clue?

>True Love International has currently compiled a photo booklet of 100
>Latino women from Central and South America

Crow: As opposed to 100 Latino women from, say, Tibet?

> who have contacted us in the
>past 3 months seeking correspondence, romance, and meaningful
>relationships with men of all ages and all cultures.

Joel: How about someone stranded in space, with no-one to keep him company?
Servo: Ah-hem!
Joel: Oh, sorry, guys.

>We have also compiled an additional list of 300 women who sent letters
>but did not include photos.

Crow: Can you say dog meat?
Servo: You don't know that, Crow. They could just be shy!
Joel: Then why are they seeking romance and meaningful relationships
through a mail-order bride company?
Crow: OW-WOOOO! OW-OW-OW-WOOOO!
Joel: Zip it, Crow!

>So that's 400 Latino women in all........

Servo: And if you order today, we'll throw in 10 Russian girls, absolutely
free!

>WHY LATINOS? Because they are the most beautiful, sensual, and
>emotionally supportive women in the entire world!

Joel: Sure, tell that to Juan Peron.
Crow: Oooh, good one!

> They are feminine and

Servo: Duh, they're women!

>sweet........

Crow: How do you know? Have you tasted them?
Servo: That's disgusting!
Crow: Bite me!

>AND BEAUTIFUL!!!!!.........

All: I'll bet!

>and they know how to take care
>of their men!

Servo: C'mon, what's to know? Just feed him and sleep with him; he'll be
happy!

> They are kind, loving, romantic, and filled with a
>mothering instinct that every man, at some level, desires.

Crow: Every man?
Joel: Especially Oedipus!

>True Love International has made a committment to focus our services on
>the Latino Women because........

Crow: You're getting kickbacks from the governments south of the border?
Joel: None of them speak English?
Servo: You can't get any other kind to talk to you?
Joel and Crow: Yeah, that's probably it...

>well...........

Servo: I don't think we're ready for that deep of a subject...
Joel: That's really bad, Tom; maybe I should reprogram your humor center.

>they have gone to our
>hearts

Crow: With a switchblade...

> and their dreams and desires are REAL!!!

Joel: You know, that's my problem... I have all of these imaginary desires
that keep me from fulfilling my real ones...

>The cost of both booklets--100 w/photos and 300 wo/photos--is only
>$29.00.

Crow: Wow! Only $29.00? How many do you get to choose for that?
Joel: Crow, they only send you the booklets - you have to do everything
else. They aren't actually selling women.
Crow: Geez! What a rip!

>If you wish to order, please send a check or money order to True Love
>International, P.O. Box 9241, Saginaw, Michigan 48608. Both booklets
>will be shipped immediately upon receipt.

Joel: The checks in the mail...
Servo: Does anyone else have a craving for tacos now?
Crow: These guys should run for office!

>Thank You!

Joel: At last, it's over!
Servo: I'm not sure - was this more or less terrible than 'Manos, Hands of
Fate'?

Joel: What do you think, sirs?
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