Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ms0p+@andrew.cmu.edu (Michael Gordon Shapiro)
Date: 2 Apr 91 11:30:03 GMT
Keywords: computer, smirk

(Left on the blackboard by students in a Real-Time Systems course)

How to program in "C"

1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
quite understand.

"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"

[ No, and my program doesn't, either! ]

How to debug a "C" program.

1] If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the
bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
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The recent submission of "How to program in C" left out some very important
rules.

I have come up with the following list of additional rules in order to give
the serious student some aid and the professional a refresher.

How to program in 'C' - addendum

1] Rewrite standard functions and give them your own obscure names.
2] Use obscure, proprietary, non-portable, compiled library packages so
that you never have to move from the platform you love so well.
3] Use very descriptive comments like /* printf("Hello world\n"); */ before
each function call.
4] REMEMBER - Carriage returns are for weenies. Tabs are for those who have
not reached weenie-dom yet.
5] Include LOTS of inline assembly code.
6] "User Interfaces" are for morons. "Users" have no business interfacing
with a professional product like yours.
7] If you are forced to comment your code (in English), then borrow
comments from somebody else's code and sprinkle them throughout yours. It's
quick, easy, and fun to watch people's expressions as they try to figure it
out.
8] Remember to define as many pre-processor symbols as possible in terms of
already defined symbols. This is considered 'efficient use of code'.

How to debug a 'C' program - addendum

1] Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other Guys Code.
2] If it's all your code then the problem MUST be in those unreliable
Standard Libraries. See '1.' in the previous section.
3] Claim the bug reports are viscious lies meant to tarnish your sterling
reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?). After all, those who
wrote the reports couldn't even read your code. How could they possibly
know if there was a bug or not?
3.a] If they could read your code, review "How to program in 'C'", above.
4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy
Company/School/Wife/etc would spring for a copy of C++.

If you still have a Job/Degree objective/Wife/Mind/etc after utilizing the
above rules then you simply aren't trying hard enough.
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