The Canonical List of Redneck Jokes

You know you're a redneck when...

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war
general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and
seductive tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and
cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports
event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle
of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front
ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gifts bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Don Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell
are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are
"Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same...
they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening
on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all
time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'.
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him
remove the wheels.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it
in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H
Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n here an' lookit this afore I flush
it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on
shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm
below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball
hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in life is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about
is if you can lose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
103. Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake
set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl make love.
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
118. It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her
house.
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen.
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
grandma a new plug of tobacco.
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against
it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!

132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
taking the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House"
Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
home town.
135. You wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in
the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the
new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will
Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
record collection (your insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan
Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
155. You've ever yelled "Rock the house Bubba!" during a piano recital.
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