50 Fun Things to do in a Mall

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful
corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a
jet turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make
your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to
consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices
are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're
"astronaut food".
10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from
Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and
insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look
and say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in
clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an
hour while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether
they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw
cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your
own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that
you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the
color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I
see France..."
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander
around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric
versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will
"give you a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap
made out of straw".
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious
tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around
in it.
39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing
"Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if
anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a
Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one
flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and
scornfully announce that none of them are "leakproof".
42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of
explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments
over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and
say "Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to
scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've
seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later,
fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue
yet.
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