Are you feeling old? If not, consider this:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born
in 1980. Therefore:

* The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
* They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
* "New Wave" is their PARENTS musical generation.
* Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols
are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
* They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
* They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
* If they have heard the name "Oliver North," it was probably as a
losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey
history text's reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or
Teapot Dome.
* Black Monday 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
* Their world has always included AIDS.
* Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the
1970s.
* They watched "Star Wars" years ago, when they were kids - on video.
* Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
* The oil crisis is history of which they probably know nothing and why
anyone WOULDN'T buy a Suburban is beyond them.
* Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, EVEN if they went to
Catholic schools.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Note: For those of you not familiar with it, the 2-dollar bill was a unit
of US currency that was printed in small quantities compared to other major
bills (1, 5, 10, 20). They discontinued minting them in the early 80's
because no one used them that much. There's a slim chance you may still
find one, but most have been snatched up by collectors or pulled out of
circulation. I don't know when this story takes place, but I saw it for the
first time when I got on the internet around 6 or 7 years ago.]

TACO HELL

by Peter Leppik

The following is a true story. It amused the hell out of me while it was
happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold is a
$50 bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my person. I
figure that with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to
worry about people getting pissed at me.

ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
IT: "Is that it?"
ME: "Yep."
IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
ME: "No, it's to go." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it
kind of funny and

IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them.

IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
MG: "No. A what?"
IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
IT: "I don't know."
ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
IT: "Yeah."
ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift,
and

IT: "He says I have to take it."
MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get change."
MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis]
IT: "What should I do?"
MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
MG: "Just tell him."
IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm and
this particular Taco Bell is in a well lit indoor mall with 100 other
stores.]
ME: "Well, here's a two."
MG: "We don't take those either."
ME: "Why the hell not?"
MG: "I think you know why."
ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "Excuse me?"
MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
ME: "What the hell for?"
MG: "Please, sir."
ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
MG: "Would you please just leave?"
ME: "No."
MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area,
and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45
year oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a
whisper]

SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
SG: "Really? What?"
MG: "Get this, a two dollar bill."
SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
MG: "I don't know. He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has is a
fifty."
SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
MG: "NO, the $2 is."
SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
MSG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to use."
ME: "Uh, no."
SG: "Lemme see 'em."
ME: "Why?"
SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I
said

ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2 bill."

I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a swing
at him. He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his hands, and says

SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
MG: "It's fake."
SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
SG: "Yeah?"
MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it
dawned on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon
things, too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see
what happens when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of people, I
could probably end up in jail. At least you get free food.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What a Difference 30 Years Makes...

1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1970: Keg
2000: EKG

1970: Acid Rock
2000: Acid Reflux

1970: Moving to California because it's cool
2000: Moving to California because it's warm

1970: Growing pot
2000: Growing pot belly

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1970: Seeds and stems
2000: Roughage

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints
2000: Popping joints

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity

1970: Killer weed
2000: Weed killer

1970: The Grateful Dead
2000: Dr. Kevorkian

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2000: Getting a new hip joint

1970: Rolling Stones
2000: Kidney stones

1970: Being called into the principal's office
2000: Calling the principal's office

1970: Peace sign
2000: Mercedes logo

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1970: Take acid
2000: Take antacid

1970: Passing the driver's test
2000: Passing the vision test

1970: Whatever
2000: Depends
_________________________________________________________________

Back to Miscellaneous Humor

Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page

Reservations of an Airline Agent

(After Surviving 130,000 Calls from the Traveling Public)

by Jonathan Lee -- The Washington Post

I work in a central reservation office of an airline. After more than
130,000 conversations -- all ending with "Have a nice day and thanks for
calling" -- I think it's fair to say that I'm a survivor.

I've made it through all the calls from adults who didn't know the
difference between a.m. and p.m., from mothers of military recruits who
didn't trust their little soldiers to get it right, from the woman who
called to get advice on how to handle her teenage daughter, from the man
who wanted to ride inside the kennel with his dog so he wouldn't have to
pay for a seat, from the woman who wanted to know why she had to change
clothes on our flight between Chicago and Washington (she was told she'd
have to make a change between the two cities) and from the man who asked if
I'd like to discuss the existential humanism that emanates from the soul of
Habeeb.

In five years, I've received more than a boot camp education regarding the
astonishing lack of awareness of our American citizenry. This lack of
awareness encompasses every region of the country, economic status, ethnic
background, and level of education. My battles have included everything
from a man not knowing how to spell the name of the town he was from, to
another not recognizing the name as "Iowa" as being a state, to another who
thought he had to apply for a foreign passport to fly to West Virginia.
They are the enemy and they are everywhere.

In the history of the world there has never been as much communication and
new things to learn as today. Yet, after I asked a woman from New York what
city she wanted to go to in Arizona, she asked, "Oh... is it a big place?"

I talked to a woman in Denver who had never heard of Cincinnati, a man in
Minneapolis who didn't know there was more than one city in the South
("wherever the South is"), a woman in Nashville who asked, "Instead of
paying for your ticket, can I just donate the money to the National Cancer
Society?", and a man in Dallas who tried to pay for his ticket by sticking
quarters in the pay phone he was calling from.

I knew a full invasion was on the way when, shortly after signing on, a man
asked if we flew to exit 35 on the New Jersey Turnpike. Then a woman asked
if we flew to area code 304. And I knew I had been shipped off to the front
when I was asked, "When an airplane comes in, does that mean it's arriving
or departing?"

I remembered the strict training we had received -- four weeks of
regimented classes on airline codes, computer technology, and telephone
behavior -- and it allowed for no means of retaliation. "Troops," we were
told, "it's real hell out there and ya got no defense. You're going to hear
things so silly you can't even make 'em up. You'll try to explain things to
your friends that you don't even believe yourself, and just when you think
you've heard it all, someone will ask if they can get a free round-trip
ticket to Europe by reciting 'Mary Had a Little Lamb.'"

Well, Sarge was right. It wasn't long before I suffered a direct hit from a
woman who wanted to fly to Hippopotamus, NY. After I assured her that there
was no such city, she became irate and said it was a big city with a big
airport. I asked if Hippopotamus was near Albany or Syracuse. It wasn't.
Then I asked if it was near Buffalo. "Buffalo!" she said. "I knew it was a
big animal!"

Then I crawled out of my bunker long enough to be confronted by a man who
tried to catch our flight in Maconga. I told him I'd never heard of Maconga
and we certainly didn't fly to it. But he insisted we did and to prove it
he showed me his ticket: Macon, GA. I've done nothing during my
conversational confrontations to indicate that I couldn't understand
English. But after quoting the round-trip fare the passenger just asked for
he'll always ask: "...Is that round trip?" After quoting the one-way fare
the passenger just asked for he'll always, always ask: "...Is that
one-way?" I never understood why they always question if what I just gave
them is what they just asked for. Then I realized it was part of the hell
Sarge told us about.

But I've survived to direct the lost, correct the wrong, comfort the wary,
teach U.S. geography and give tutoring in the spelling and pronunciation of
American cities. I have been told things like: "I can't go stand-by for
your flight because I'm in a wheelchair." I've been asked such questions
as: "I have a connecting flight to Knoxville. Does that mean the plane
sticks to something?" And once a man wanted to go to Illinois. When I asked
what city he wanted to go to in Illinois, he said, "Cleveland, Ohio."

After 130,000 little wars of varying degrees, I'm a wise old veteran of the
communication conflict and can anticipate with accuracy what the next move
by "them" will be. Seventy-five percent won't have anything to write on.
Half will not have thought about when they're returning. A third won't know
where they're going; 10 percent won't care where they're going. A few won't
care if they get back. And James will be the first name of half the men who
call.

But even if James doesn't care if he gets to the city he never heard of;
even if he thinks he has to change clothes on our plane that may stick to
something; even if he can't spell, pronounce, or remember what city he's
returning to, he'll get there because I've worked very hard to make sure
that he can. Then with a click in the phone, he'll become a part of my past
and I'll be hoping the next caller at least knows what day it is.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Costello calls Abbott with some questions about UNIX:

Costello: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
program?

Abbott: Yes, that's correct.

Costello: No, what is it?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: So, which is the one?

Abbott: No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Costello: Stop this. Who are you?

Abbott: Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to get
information about 'yoo'.

Costello: All I want to know is what finds the revision code?

Abbott: Use 'what'.

Costello: That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true?

Abbott: No. 'true' gives you 0.

Costello: Which one?

Abbott: 'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Costello: Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

Abbott: Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program' to
get the revision code.

Costello: I want to find the revision code.

Abbott: You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Costello: Which command will do what I need?

Abbott: No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Costello: I think I understand. Let me write that.

Abbott: You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Costello: Write what?

Abbott: No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Costello: Cut that out!

Abbott: Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Costello: Do you always do this?

Abbott: 'du' will give you disk usage.

Costello: HELP!

Abbott: 'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Costello: You make me angry.

Abbott: No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when I was
upset once.

Costello: I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

Abbott: No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system has
'more'.

Costello: Nice help! I'm confused more now!

Abbott: Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is better
not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but 'at now' is. Unless
of course 'now' is a file name.

Costello: This is almost as confusing as my PC.

Abbott: I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the
Pascal compiler team.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter
of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found
I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh
240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them
in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the
building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You
will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs. Due to
my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence
of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a
rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in
Section 3, accident reporting form. Slowed only slightly, I continued my
rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two
knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this
correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind
and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain
I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of
the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming
up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe
lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed
to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks
and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I
again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope. And I
lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man who went to church with his wife, always fell asleep during the
sermon. The wife decided to do something about this and one Sunday took a
long hat pin along to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As the
preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted out "....and who
created all there is in 6 days and rested on the 7th.." she poked her
husband who came flying out of the pew and screamed, "Good God almighty!".

The minister said "That's right, that's right." and went on with his
sermon. The man sat back down, muttering under his breath and later began
to doze off again. When the minister got to ".... and who died on the cross
to save us from our sins....." the wife hit him again and he jumped up and
shouted, "Jesus Christ". The minister said, "that's right, that's right"
and went on with his sermon.

The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and when the minister got
to " .... and what did Eve say to Adam after the birth of their second
child?" the wife started to poke the husband again, but he jumped up and
said, "If you stick that damn thing in me again, I'll break it off!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

NASA RESEARCH ANNOUNCES DISCOVERY OF A NEW ELEMENT

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by GM
Research physisists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no
protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it
does have 1 neutron, 125 asistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111
assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312
particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction that it comes in contact
with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Adimnistratium
caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have
normally occuered in less than one second. Administratium has a normal
half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually
decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons,
vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies
have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each
reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs
naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such
as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually
be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any
detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive
reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to
determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following appeared recently in the Pet Market section of the Anderson
SC Independent Mail classifieds:

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234.
Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by
waitresses in appetizing forms.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large
drawers.

Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take
home, too.

Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.

Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis
Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and
Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in
the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically
burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never
go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and
salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Tue, 30 Jul 96 17:04:01 +0100 From: Mike Chaloner

Once upon a time, in a kingdom not far from here, a king summoned two of
his advisors for a test. He showed them both a shiny metal box with two
slots in the top, a control knob, and a lever. "What do you think this is?"

One advisor, an engineer, answered first. "It is a toaster," he said. The
king asked, "How would you design an embedded computer for it?" The
engineer replied, "Using a four-bit microcontroller, I would write a simple
program that reads the darkness knob and quantises its position to one of 6
shades of darkness, from snow white to coal black. The program would use
that darkness level as an index to a 16-element table of initial timer
values. Then it would turn on the heating elements and start the timer with
the initial value selected from the table. At the end of the time delay, it
would turn off the heat and pop up the toast. Come back next week, and I'll
show you a working prototype."

The second advisor, a computer scientist, immediately recognised the danger
of such short-sighted thinking. He said, "Toasters don't just turn bread
into toast, they are also used to warm frozen waffles. What you see before
you is really a breakfast food cooker. As the subjects of your kingdom
become more sophisticated, they will demand more capabilities. They will
need a breakfast food cooker that can also cook sausage, fry bacon, and
make scrambled eggs. A toaster that only makes toast will soon be obsolete.
If we don't look to the future, we will have to completely redesign the
toaster in just a few years."

"With this in mind, we can formulate a more intelligent solution to the
problem. First, create a class of breakfast foods. Specialise this class
into subclasses: grains, pork and poultry. The specialisation process
should be repeated with grains divided into toast, muffins, pancakes and
waffles; pork divided into sausage, links and bacon; and poultry divided
into scrambled eggs, hard-boiled eggs, poached eggs, fried eggs and various
omelette classes."

"The ham and cheese omelette class is worth special attention because it
must inherit characteristics from the pork, dairy and poultry classes. Thus
we see that the problem cannot be properly solved without multiple
inheritance. At run time the program must create the proper object and send
a message to the object that says, 'Cook yourself.' The semantics of this
message depend, of course, on the kind of object, so they have a different
meaning to a piece of toast than to scrambled eggs."

"Reviewing the process so far, we see that the analysis phase has revealed
that the primary requirement is to cook any kind of breakfast food. In the
design phase we have discovered some derived requirements. Specifically, we
need an object-oriented language with multiple inheritance. Of course,
users don't want the eggs to get cold while the bacon is frying, so
concurrent processing is required, too."

"We must not forget the user interface. The lever that lowers the food
lacks versatility and the darkness knob is confusing. Users won't buy the
product unless it has a user-friendly graphical interface. When the
breakfast cooker is plugged in, users should see a cowboy boot on the
screen. Users should click on it and the message 'Booting UNIX v. 8.3'
appears on the screen.(UNIX 8.3 should be out by the time the product gets
to the market.) Users can pull down a menu and click on the foods they want
to cook."

"Having made the wise decision of specifying the software first in the
design phase, all that remains is to pick an adequate hardware platform for
the implementation phase. An Intel Pentium with 32MB of memory, a 500MB
hard disk and 17inch SVGA monitor should be sufficient. If you select a
multi-tasking, object-oriented language that supports multiple inheritance
and has a built-in GUI, writing the program will be a snap. (Imagine the
difficulty we would have had if we had foolishly allowed a hardware-first
design strategy to lock us into a four-bit microcontroller!)."

The king wisely had the computer scientist beheaded, and they all lived
happily ever after.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

US Air Force Issues

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force
pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire."

Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough."
Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."

Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."

Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."

Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."

Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."

Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."

Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."

Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."

Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

<<< USER$DISK:[LRODRIGU.NOTES]SHP.NOTE;23 >>>
-< Shiny Happy People >-
================================================================================
Note 15.22 The DIpstick Of The Day Award 22 of 22
HERNE::DCOSTA "Killer" 36 lines 17-AUG-1992 16:12
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Scene: The Aide Station Desk on a dreary Monday afternoon. Tina, Ray,
and Dave are sitting behind the desk, working hard(ly). Incidental music is
heard, but since it's only incidental it doesn't matter. As the curtain
lifts, an Admissions tour, led by one whose name shall remain unsaid, but
whose initials are A.M., enters from stage left.

For a time, the action progresses according to the ancient Greek
dramatists' well-known rules for the progression of such things. The
typical tour-guide babble about the Computer Initiative and the Knowledge
Initiative, blah blah blah.

But then the sinister melded with the mundane. For a small voice piped up,
the voice of a VERY SHORT WOMAN (just a little taller then the Desk itself
-- just under four feet), and asked some silly question or another about
the computers. In response to this, the Great Satan didst open her mouth,
laugh in a comradelike fashion, answer the question in a vaguely
informative manner. Yea, she did all these things, and yet one more thing:
SHE REACHED OUT HER HAND AND DID PAT THE POOR WOMAN ON THE HEAD.

Tina, Ray, and Dave -- the intrepid Aide Station trio -- tried valiantly to
restrain their laughter and shock, and did so for that vital bit of time it
took the tour to depart. For a moment more, they sat in quiet shock, and
then Tina did say, "Did she just pat that woman on the head????!"

And there was much laughter and weeping, for joy and sorrow were
intermingled: joy at the ridiculous antics of the Mischievous Maven of Tour
Mayhem, and yet sorrow that, MY GOD, THIS IS THE PRODUCT OF THE TOUTED DREW
EDUCATION!!!!!!! This, indeed, is the very performance that is supposed to
attract students and families to Drew.

Ack.
Ack.
Ack, I say.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Editor's Note: Thanks to Marla Stauffer for sending me the full,
correctly-attributed article, about a contest by the Washington Post.]

Bad Analogies

From Douglas Grant Style Invitational Report from Week 120: (from the
Washington Post, July 23, 1995), in which we asked you to come up with bad
analogies. The results were great, though we feel compelled to point out
that there is a fine line between an analogy that is so bad it is good and
an analogy that is so good it is bad. See what we mean.

4th Runner-Up:

Oooo, he smells bad, she thought, as bad as Calvin Klein's Obsession would
smell if it were called Enema and was made from spoiled Spamburgers instead
of natural floral fragrances. (Jennifer Frank, Washington, and Jimmy
Pontzer, Sterling)

3rd Runner-Up:

The baseball player stepped out of the box and spit like a fountain statue
of a Greek god that scratches itself a lot and spits brown, rusty tobacco
water and refuses to sign autographs for all the little Greek kids unless
they pay him lots of drachmas. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

2nd Runner-Up:

I felt a nameless dread. Well, there probably is a long German name for it,
like Geschpooklichkeit or something, but I don't speak German. Anyway, it's
a dread that nobody knows the name for, like those little square plastic
gizmos that close your bread bags. I don't know the name for those either.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

1st Runner-Up:

She was as unhappy as when someone puts your cake out in the rain, and all
the sweet green icing flows down and then you lose the recipe, and on top
of that you can't sing worth a damn. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

And the winner of the framed Scarlet Fever sign:

His fountain pen was so expensive it looked as if someone had grabbed the
pope, turned him upside down and started writing with the tip of his big
pointy hat. (Jeffrey Carl, Richmond)

Honorable Mentions:

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a
Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who
went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes
with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high
schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it. (Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open
again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with
vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith,
Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid>55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quid>aaakk/ch@ung by
mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall
Man." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19
p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also
never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of
metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara
Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. (Jennifer
Frank and Jimmy Pontzer, Washington and Sterling)

After sending in my entries for the Style Invitational, I feel relieved and
apprehensive, like a little boy who has just wet his bed. (Wayne Goode,
Madison, Ala.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: "JERRY R. HAYS" (JHAYS@worldnet.att.net)

ANGELS

It was supposed to be a happy time, but it wasn't. Santa was really pissed.
It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burned all
the Christmas cookies. The Elves were bitching about not getting paid for
the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been
drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. They had taken the sleigh out
for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one
of the runners.

Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to
deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from
now and all my reindeer are drunk, my Elves are on strike and I don't even
have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS a go to
find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"

Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the
snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree.

He says: "Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this
year???"

And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas trees came to
pass. . . . .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Editor's note: this has made the rounds of various humor lists and
newsgroups, but is to the best of my knowledge a true story. That makes it
all the more frightening.]

I live in Berlin, Germany and asked a friend in the U.S. per email to call
American Online in the States and have them send their AOL install
diskettes to me at my Berlin address. My friend called AOL, then sent me
this message:
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I called AOL for you but had "an experience" talking to the minimum-wage
employee who attempted to take your address.

I pronounced your name for her and then spelled it (SLOWLY). I gave her the
street address and spelled it. Faithfully following her script, she then
asked for the State (as in which US state).

I replied, "actually it is in Berlin, Germany" and gave her the postal
code. I didn't think it necessary to spell Berlin, Germany. My mistake.
After a silence she said, "That's G-R?" I then spelled Germany for her. She
said, "No, I mean the abbreviation." I said, "Are you trying to abbreviate
Germany in the 'State field' on your computer screen?" "Yes," she replied.
I told her again that it was not at United States address, that GR sounded
like a good abbreviation but it was not a US state and that she might have
to spell out Germany on another line. She replied, "I know it's not in the
US, it's in Canada."

If there were any doubt I was in trouble, it was now certain.

I clarified that Berlin was a city in the country of Germany and that
neither were anywhere near Canada. Silence ... Me: "You know, the country
in Europe ... Hitler and all that Nazi stuff from the 1940's ..."

Silence ...

Her: "So the city is B-U-N-L-E-R?"
Me: "No, it's Berlin ... Berlin, Germany ... B-E-R-L-I-N"
Her: "OK, but what's the state?"

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! Lucy just pulled the
football out from under me again.

Again I told her that there wasn't a US state involved. I know there is a
German equivalent of a state that Berlin is in but I couldn't remember the
name, nor its abbreviation, nor did I think giving it to her if I had it
would do any good.

I'm not done yet ...

Then she asks me for a phone number. Not having yours readily available to
her, I replied, "I'm calling you locally from the States and I don't have a
phone number in Berlin to give you."

A brief pause. . .

Her: "So, what was your phone number again?"

AAAAaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! I gave her my phone
number because I knew, like a computer program with no escapes from an
endless loop, if she didn't fill in the phone number line, I'd never get
off the phone and you'd never get AOL. Imagine if I had given her your
phone number with all those numbers and no familiar (xxx) xxx-xxxx format.
My god, what would she have done then???

She ended the call by reading the "namestring" script, "Thank you ... Mr.
'tan-GAY' ... for ordering America On-Line. Your order will arrive within 2
weeks. Have a nice day."

Good luck.
Paul

by Edward Tanguay
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Date: Fri, 11 Aug 1995 17:11:35 EDT
From: CODY@MAINE.MAINE.EDU
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Diary of an AOL user

july 18- i just tried to connect to america online, which I've heard is the
best online service I can get. i can't connect, i dont know what is wrong.

july 19- some guy at the tech support center says my computer needs a
modem. i dont see why. hes just trying to cheat me. how dumb does he think
i am?

july 20- i bought the modem. i couldnt figure out where it goes. it wouldnt
fit in the moniter or the printer. im confused.

july 21- i finally got the modem in and hooked up. that three year old next
door did it for me.

july 22- that three year old kid next door hooked me up to america online
for me. hes so smart.

july 23- whats the internet? i thought i was on america online, not this
internet thingy. im confused.

july 24- the three year old kid next door showed me how to use this america
online stuff. he must be a genius, at least compared to me.

july 25- i tried to use chat today. i tried to talk into my computer but
nothing happened. maybe i need to buy a microphone.

july 26- i found this thingy called usenet. i got out of it because im
connected to america online, not usenet. i went to the doctor today for my
regular checkup. he says that since i connected to america online, my brain
has mysteriously shrunk to half its normal size.

july 27- these people in this usenet thingy keep using capital letters. how
do they do that? i never figured out how to type capital letters. maybe
they have a different type of keyboard.

july 28- i found this thingy called the usenet oracle. it says that it can
answer any questions i ask it. i asked it 44 seperate questions about the
internet. i hope it responds soon.

july 29- i found a group called rec.humor. i decided to post this joke
about why the chicken crossed the road. to get to the other side! ha ha! i
wasn't sure if i posted it right so i posted it 56 more times.

july 30- i keep hearing about the world wide web. i didnt know spiders grew
that large.

july 31- the oracle responded to my questions today. geez, it was rude. i
was so angry that i posted an angry message about it to rec.humor.oracle.d.
i wasn't sure if it posted right so i posted it 22 more times.

august 1- someone told me to read the faq. geez, they didn't have to use
profanity.

august 2- i just read this post called make money fast. im so exited, im
going to make lots of money. i followed his instructions and posted it to
every newsgroup i could find.

august 3- i just made my signature file. its only 6 pages long, so i will
have to work on it some more.

august 4- i just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. i read a few posts
and i really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the earth. i
wonder what an "aol" is, however.

august 5- i was asking where to find some information about something. some
guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. ive looked and looked, but i cant
find that group.

august 6- some guy suspended my account because of what i was doing. i told
him i don't have an account at his bank. hes so dumb.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago
I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.
And I knew if I had the chance
They could make my modem dance
with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver
with every busy they'd deliver.
Bad news on the front page
A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried
when I realized that Steve Case had lied.
But something touched me deep inside
The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS
Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS
If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool
When he tells you that the service rules
And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short
Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock
It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play
As they slashed away at what subscribers pay
And half their users went away
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own
And dial-ins click on a rolling phone
But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court
With an OS icon and a browser port
And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down
The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.
Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond
With hosts unable to respond
6 million newbies all were conned
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards
And stole a million credit cards
To use accounts he'd gotten free.

And so Steve Case went to the FBI
and he told Boardwatch a little lie
That hackers wanted child pornography But while Steve Case was looking down
The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.
He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs
At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes
They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter
The lawyers filed a class-action shelter
Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe
an hour if they resubscribe.
To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks
Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit
The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg
Then visit aolsucks.org
Before some router pulls the cord..."
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be
sold off his home in Tennessee
And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed
when Case offered him his thirty cents.
Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page
My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell
could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night
CompuServe read their last rites.
I saw Earthlink laughing with delight
the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online
Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine
And good old geeks are cheering users offline
Saying this'll be the day that they die.
This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9
And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.
But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge
To see what loyalty I could scrounge
But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream
At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.
The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most
Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost
They couldn't dial up the host
The day the service died.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Application for Permission to Live in New Hampshire


NAME: _____________________________________________________________________


ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
White ( )

TYPE OF CARS OWNED:
Pickup Truck ( )
You don't own any Foreign cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Gun Rack ( ) Stash ( ) CB ( ) Beer Holder( )
Playboy air freshener ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"Ex-wife in trunk" ( )
"If Guns are Outlawed, Only Outlaws Will Have Guns" ( )
"Bush/Quayle" ( )
"Shit Happens" ( )
"If you don't like my driving, get off the sidewalk" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ( )

FAVORITE CAUSE: NRA ( ) Prolife ( )

Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Grass ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
Democrats ( ) Welfare ( ) N.O.W. ( )


FAVORITE BEER:
Miller ( ) Michelob ( ) Bud ( )



FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Don't Care ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
NRA ( )


How Automatic Weapons do you own?

5 ( ) 10 ( ) More than that ( )

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Benny Hill ( )

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Application for Permission to Live in Massachusetts


NAME: _____________________________________________________________________
(extra space left due to new social awareness)

ETHNIC INFORMATION: (voluntary)
Eskimo ( ) American Indian ( ) Hispanic ( ) Asian ( )
African-American ( ) American-African ( ) Black-American ( )
Other Group With A Long History Of Oppression By White Males ( )
(specify, so we can help you form a political action group)

___________________________________________________

TYPE OF CARS OWNED (pick two):
SAAB ( ) Volvo ( ) BMW ( ) Mercedes ( ) Honda ( )

You don't own any *American* cars, do you? NO ( )

CAR EQUIPMENT:
Blaupunkt ( ) Passport ( ) Escort ( ) Vuarnet Sunglasses ( )
Stash ( ) CD ( ) Cellular Phone ( ) Ski Rack ( )
Bicycle Rack ( ) Wine Rack ( )

BUMPER STICKERS:
"You can't hug a child with nuclear arms" ( ) "Greenpeace" ( )
"Dukakis/Bentsen" ( ) "Save the Whales" ( ) "Farms not Arms" ( )

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Gay ( ) Lesbian ( ) Other ( )
(note: failure to give the proper answer to the above means you can't
live in certain towns on the Cape, or get elected to Congress)

FAVORITE CAUSE: Whales ( ) Baby Seals ( ) Snail Darter ( )
Total given to these causes in the last 12 months: ________________

FAVORITE DRUGS:
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Kitty's Diet Plan ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE BANNED?: (check all that apply)
The Bomb ( ) Handguns ( ) All guns ( ) Nuclear Power ( )
Cigarettes ( ) The NRA ( ) Republicans ( )

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING SHOULD BE LEGALIZED?: (check all that apply)
Crack ( ) Coke ( ) Grass ( ) Needles ( )
Flag Burning ( )

FAVORITE BEER:
Samuel Adams ( ) Beck's ( ) Corona(w/lime) ( )
Latest trendy brand ( )

FAVORITE POLITICIAN:
Ted Kennedy ( ) John Kennedy ( ) Bobby Kennedy ( ) Joe Kennedy ( )

CLUB MEMBERSHIPS:
ACLU ( ) Greenpeace ( ) SDS ( ) N.O.W. ( ) A.F.S.C.M.E ( )
Billy Bulger Breakfast Club ( ) Provincetown Boys Club ( )
Bull-dykes Kennel Club ( )

Even though we can't ever get any more power from Hydro-Quebec, don't you
think that Seabrook should remain closed forever? YES ( )

Don't you think that the people in the Midwest should stop dropping acid
rain on our vacation homes in Vermont, even if it means that they all lose
their jobs? YES ( )

How many watts (per channel, RMS) is your principal home stereo?
100W ( ) 200W ( ) More than that ( )

How many air conditioners do you have to help you through our long New
England summers?: 2 ( ) 3 ( ) 4 ( ) Central Air ( )
(note: Fewer than two A/C units may qualify you for state
subsidies if you are a non-white unemployed Democrat)

FAVORITE TV SHOW: Thirtysomething ( )

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

~From: k-hamer@ux1.cso.uiuc.edu (hamer kenneth l)
~Newsgroups: alt.sysadmin.recovery
~Subject: Re: Setting up new area

dgware@omni.voicenet.com (Don Ware) writes:

>Hey. I'm actually a responsible person asking how to get a new area set
up.
>I've heard it can be done but haven't found the answer.

That's good. We wouldn't want any irresponsible people setting up new
areas...

First, you need to decide how big an area you need. Small areas are easy,
because there are many small spaces available behind dumpsters or under
stairwells. However, to find a large area you will have to either set up in
an undesirable region or aquire space from others. This is often done
through a lease, but if you have enough funds you can purchase space from
others for your area. If you have enough resources, you can just take the
space you need for your area, like Iraq did with Kuwait.

Then you need to decide what to put in your area. I'm partial to houses,
but a theme park is always good. Avoid shopping malls, there are too many.
For small areas an espresso stand will work, or perhaps just a bean bag
chair to sit on.

If it is to be a private area, then you can stop there. Otherwise, you need
to let others know about your area. There are many possibilities here, but
I suggest by telling your friends.

Please do not distribute this information. If any irresponsible person off
the Usenet knew how to set up an area, then we'd be in trouble.

Remember: You can never be too vague when describing a problem. Sysadmins
are all psychic anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Editor's Note: The Ariane 5 was a rocket that exploded on its first
launch. The following is a "translation" of the press release that followed
the explosion.]

Date: Wed, 5 Jun 1996 15:26:11 -0500 (CDT)
From: RJ- (rj@tezcat.com)
Subject: Re: Spin-doctoring the Ariane 5 launch

>The first Ariane-5 flight did not result in validation of
>Europe's new launcher.

Translation: It blew up.

>It was the first flight test of an entirely new vehicle each of
>whose elements had been tested on the ground in the course
>of the past years and months.

Translation: It never blew up on the ground.

>Of an entirely new design, the launcher uses engines ten times
>as powerful as those of the Ariane-4 series. Its electronic
>brain is a hundred times more powerful than that used on
>previous Ariane launchers. The very many qualification
>reviews and ground tests imposed extremely tough checks on
>the correctness of all the choices made. There are, however,
>no absolute guarantees. A launcher's capability can be
>demonstrated only in flight under actual launch conditions.

Translation: It was bigger and prettier than our previous toy. But it still
blew up.

>A second test already scheduled under the development plan
>will take place in a few months' time. Before that, everything
>will have to be done to establish the reasons for this setback
>and make the corrections necessary for a successful second
>test. An inquiry board will be set up in the next few days.
>It will be required to submit, by mid-July, an entirely
>independent report identifying the causes of the incident and
>proposing modifications designed to prevent any further
>incidents.

Translation: We have 6 weeks to come up with a good excuse or they won't
let us blow up another one.

>Ariane-5 is a major challenge for space activities in Europe.
>The skills of all the teams involved in the programme,
>coupled with the determination and solidarity of all the
>political, technical and industrial authorities, make us
>confident of a successful outcome.

Translation: We haven't figured out which poor bastard to fire for blowing
the damn thing up, yet.

RJ "After you try selling to NASA, this all makes sense" Johnson
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

SO HOW'D YOU BREAK YOUR ARM?

by Gloria Abrahamson Mohall Farmer

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of
story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect.
12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when w
e're having fun" kind of day.

One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in
dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there
was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for
female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
away.

If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a
temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running
out, the woman weighed her options.

Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since
she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No
o ne would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than
adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and
proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope,
then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you
don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without
warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing
through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her
derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her
knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual
vista for the other skiers.

The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and
finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke
her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband
arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the
mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously
broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So. how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this
ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy
woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom
hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."

"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far
I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

"So, how'd you break your arm?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A number of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth
under the baton of Milton Katims...

At this point, you must understand two things:

(1) There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't
have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page.

(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right across the street from
the Seattle Opera House, rather favored by local musicians.

It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players
had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly
lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.

Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that they trot across the
street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple
rounds, one said, "Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully
embarrassing if we were late."

Another, presumably the one who suggested this excursion in the first
place, replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I
tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets
down to there, Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while he
waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other."

So they had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little
tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their
conductor's face told them they were in serious trouble.

Katims was furious! And why not? After all...

It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were
loaded.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

BABY(1) USER COMMANDS BABY(1)

NAME
BABY - create new process from two parent processes

SYNOPSIS
BABY sex [ name ]

SYSTEM V SYNOPSIS
/usr/5bin/BABY [ -sex ] [ -name ]

AVAILABILITY
The System V version of this command is available with the Sys-
tem V software installation option. Refer to Installing
SunOS 4.1 for information on how to install and invoke BABY.

DESCRIPTION
BABY is initiated when one parent process polls another server
process through a socket connection (BSD) or through pipes in the
system V implementation. BABY runs at a low priority for approximately
40 weeks then terminates with heavy system load. Most systems require
constant monitering when BABY reaches it's final stages of execution.

Older implentations of BABY required that the initiating
process not be present at the time of completion, In these versions
the initiating process is awakened and notified of the results upon
completion. Modern versions allow both parent processes to be active
during the final stages of BABY.


example% BABY -sex m -name fred

OPTIONS

-sex
option indicating type of process created.

-name
process identification to be attaced to the new process.

RESULT
Successful execution of the BABY(1) results in new process
being created and named. Parent processes then typically
broadcast messages to all other processes informing them of their
new status in the system.


BUGS
The SLEEP command may not work on either parent processes for some
time afterward, as new BABY processes constantly send interrupts
which must be handled by one or more parent.

BABY processes upon being created may frequently dump
in /tmp requireing /tmp to be cleaned out frequently by one
of the parent processes.

The original AT&T version was provided without instuctions
regarding the created process, this remains in current implementations.

SEE ALSO
cigars(6) dump(5) cry(3)

OTHER IMPLEMENTATIONS

gnoops(1)
FSF version of BABY where none of the authors will accept
responsibility for anything.

NOTES

baby -sex f -name Cathryn Leigh Beck

completed sucessfully at the Grey Nuns Hospital on March 30 at
9:59 P.M. after 5 hours of labour. New Mom Chenelle is doing
fine, as is the baby, Dad is tickled pink. Both will probably
come home sometime on Teusday. More information can be gotten
from Dad by e-mail or when he brings his new little girl by to
show her off (should be soon) Celebrations can probably begin
in earnest after Dad catches up on all the work he couldn't do
this weekend.


Sun Release 4.1 Last change: Just before I left the hospital last.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

BARBIES WE WOULD LIKE TO SEE

Birkenstock Barbie: Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and
comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

Bisexual Barbie: Comes in a package with Skipper and Ken.

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie: An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera,
detachable limbs, fake blood, and the ability to perform surgery on herself
in the Outback.

Blue Collar Barbie: Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail,
UAW membership, pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as
compared to men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased
separately for Barbies who are holding down second jobs in order to make
ends meet.

Our Barbies Ourselves: Anatomically correct Barbie, both inside and out,
comes with spreadable legs, her own speculum, magnifying glass, and
detailed diagrams of female anatomy so that little girls can learn about
their bodies in a friendly, non-threatening way. Also included: tiny Kotex,
booklets on sexual responsibility. Accessories such as contraceptives, sex
toys, expanding uterus with fetus at various stages of development, and
breastpump are all optional, underscoring that each young woman has the
right to chose what she does with her own Barbie.

Rebbe Barbie: So why not? Women rabbis are on the cutting edge in Judaism.
Rebbe Barbie comes with tiny satin yarmulke, prayer shawl, teffilin, silver
kaddish cup, Torah scrolls. Optional: tiny mezzuzah for doorway of Barbie
Townhouse.

Homegirl Barbie: Truly fly Barble in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans.
Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories, and plenty of attitude. Pull
cord and she says things like "I don't think so,""Dang, get outta my face,"
and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take shit from men and
condesending White people.

Transgender Barbie: Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

Robotic Barbie: Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking
machine! After falling over, she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these
spike heels anyway!"

Dinner Roll Barbie: A Barbie with multiple love handles, double chin, a
real curvy belly, generous tits and ass, and voluminous thighs to show
girls that voluptuousness is also beautiful. Comes with a miniature basket
of dinner rolls, tiny Entenmann's walnut ring, a t-shirt reading "Only the
Weak Don't Eat," and, of course, an appetite.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The recent announcement that Mattel and the producers of "Baywatch" have
joined forces to create Baywatch Barbie came as no surprise. After all,
both companies have made millions off airheads with flawless skins, Malibu
tans and synthetic breasts.

If Baywatch Barbie sells well, other Barbie/TV tie-ins seem certain to
follow. Some possibilities:

Melrose Place Barbie: Comes complete with her Barbie Dream Apartment, where
Skipper and the rest of the gang live rent-free. Other accessories include
a bottle of vodka, silk sheets, and an arrest warrant.

Dr. Barbie, Medicine Woman: This helpful doll offers other homesteaders
important tips like what conditioner to use out on the Plains and how to
take care of their nails while shoeing a horse.

America's Most Wanted Barbie: She's on the run after 30 years of crime
against feminism.

Oprah Barbie: Push a button on her back and this Barbie actually speaks!
Hold your very own talk show with topics like how tough math class is,
Ballerina Barbie's struggle with bulimia, Kens who wear Barbie's clothes.

My So-Called Barbie: She faces the same troubling issues as regular teens
who don't have huge wardrobes, perfect bods, pools, and ponies.

Roseanne Barbie: The dark side of the American dream is explored with this
doll, which shows what happened after Barbie graduated from high school,
married too young and ate too much.

Murder, Barbie Wrote: Whenever this elder stateswoman of the Barbie set
(she's 27!) arrives in the playhouse, all the other dolls mysteriously
disappear.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Editor's Note: This, like much of the material on this humor page, has
been floating around the net for some time. However, according to a page
that goes by the name of Hacker Barbe Dream Basement Apartment, this is
actually a ripoff of an original usenet post by Kurt Hemr. Whatever, I find
it amusing anyway.]

(LA, California) Mattel announces their new line of Barbie products, the
"Hacker Barbie." These new dolls will be released next month. The aim of
these dolls is to revert the stereotype that women are numerophobic,
computer-illiterate, and academically challenged.

This new line of Barbie dolls comes equipped with Barbie's very own
xterminal and UNIX documentation as well as ORA's "In a Nutshell" series.
The Barbie is robed in a dirty button-up shirt and a pair of worn-out jeans
with Casio all-purpose watches and thick glasses that can set ants on fire.
Pocket protectors and HP calculators optional. The new Barbie has the
incredible ability to stare at the screen without blinking her eyes and to
go without eating or drinking for 12 hours straight. Her vocabulary mainly
consists of technical terms such as "IP address," "TCP/IP," "kernel,"
"NP-complete," and "Alpha AXP's."

"We are very excited about this product," said John Olson, Marketing
Executive, "and we hope that the Hacker Barbie will offset the damage
incurred by the mathophobic Barbie." A year ago, Mattel released Barbie
dolls that say, "Math is hard," with condescending companions Ken. The
Hacker Barbie's Ken is an incompetent consultant who frequently asks Barbie
for help.

The leading feminists are equally excited about this new line of Barbie
dolls. Naomi Wuuf says, "I believe that these new dolls will finally
terminate the notion that women are inherently inferior when it comes to
mathematics and the sciences. However, I feel that Ken's hierarchical
superiority would simply reinforce the patriarchy and oppress the masses."
Mattel made no comment.

Parents, however, are worried that they would become technologically behind
by comparison to the children when the Hacker Barbie comes out. "My
daughter Jenny plays with the prototype Hacker Barbie over yonder for two
days," says Mrs. Mary Carlson of Oxford, Mississippi, "and as y'all know,
she now pays my credit card bill. Ain't got no idea how she duz it, but she
surely duz it. I jus don't wanna be looked upon as a dumb mama." Mattel
will be offering free training courses for those who purchase the Hacker
Barbie.

The future Hacker Barbie will include several variations to deal with the
complex aspects of Barbie. "Hacker Barbie Goes to Jail" will teach computer
ethics to youngsters, while "BARB1E R1TES L1KE BIFF!!!" will serve as an
introduction to expository writing.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Things Bart has had to write on the chalkboard as punishment:

I will not defame New Orleans
I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate a revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher 'Hot Cakes'
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
I will not trade my pants with others
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I will not cut corners
" " " " "
" " " " "
" " " " "
I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatulent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off {Written in an Old English font}
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will finish what I sta
Hamsters cannot fly
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I am sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's [sic] lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and meaningless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will not bring sheep to class
A burp is not an answer
Teacher is not a leper
I will not eat things for money
I will not yell "She's dead!" during roll call
The principal's toupee is not a frisbee
I will not squeak chalk
Goldfish do not bounce
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Bat Story (long)
From: arms@olivey.atc.olivetti.com (Steve @ His Desk)
Date: 1 Nov 90 00:30:05 GMT

Ivrea, Italy, 18.September.1990
By Craig Hockenberry

This is a true story. I wish it weren't.

Last night I had a little trouble getting to sleep, and it wasn't a case of
insomnia.

I had just finished brushing my teeth and was heading back to my bedroom
for a much needed rest. Upon entering the room, I switched on the light and
noticed a black object flying around the light in the center of the room. I
thought to myself, "no problem, just a small bird that will fly out of the
room when I open the window."

After looking at this object for a few seconds, I realized that it was a
BAT. My reaction was, and I quote, "SHIT!". Milliseconds later, I was in
the next room looking at a closed door and wondering how the hell I was
going to get rid of this thing...

The window in the bedroom was closed and locked, hence it could not be
opened from the outside of the house. This left me with one alternative ..
going back in and flushing out the BAT.

I returned to the bathroom and got a large towel which I put over my head.
I slowly entered the room and started shaking the towel over my head while
the BAT circled above. Too bad that bats can't see .. the sight of a 6'6"
male in his underware hiding underneath a bath towel would cause any normal
animal to die of laughter. I must have looked like an epileptic King Faud.

I made my way, as quickly as possible, to the window and succeeded in
opening it. After returning to the safety of the next room, I realized I
was dealing with a STUPID BAT. The damn thing would not fly out of the
room.

My next brainstorm was to scare the STUPID BAT out of the bedroom. So, the
man with the shaking towel on his head re-enters the room and tries to
scare a STUPID BAT. Notice that I never said this was a clever brainstorm.

After trying for several minutes (that seemed like hours), the STUPID BAT
is still circling and I'm more scared than the STUPID BAT.

I am running out of brainstorms at this point. That is until my cat walks
up to the door and looks at me with an expression that can only be
described as: "why are you standing at your bedroom door with a towel on
your head?" Cats are good at recognizing abnormal behaviour.

My cat, Roxy, is also quite a good hunter. She regularly brings dead
objects into the house for inspection (that's another good story). By now,
you probably are having the same brainstorm that I was last night. She can
kill a moth as it flys through the air why can't she KILL the STUPID BAT as
it flys through the air.

At first, she is a little confused as I toss her into the bedroom to do her
instinctive duty. However, as soon as the STUPID BAT goes into his flight
pattern, she makes several stunning leaps into the air to KILL the STUPID
BAT. Unlike her owner (who has finally realized that a towel on the head is
not really needed against a STUPID BAT) she gives up and sits in the middle
of the bed looking at the STUPID BAT hanging upside down on curtains and
her owner peeking through the door. I'm sure she is thinking: "You are 6'6"
tall. YOU can reach the STUPID BAT".

I hate it when my cat has these great ideas.

So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain ..
Roxy is waiting patiently for an opportunity to attack .. I get within a
couple of feet of the STUPID BAT .. the towel is wadded into an efficent,
STUPID BAT KILLING projectile (thank God for rec.pyrotechnics) .. I'm ready
to attack .. the towel is launched .. and the STUPID BAT comes straight at
me! And I don't have a towel on my head!

I don't know how, but I got out bedroom alive. I quickly went to the
bathroom and got more ammo. I really want to KILL the STUPID BAT.

So, I slowly enter the room .. the STUPID BAT remains on the curtain .. but
this time I notice that the STUPID BAT is stuck in the curtain .. IT CAN'T
MOVE!!! I find myself thanking God that this is a STUPID BAT .. if it were
a SMART BAT, I'd be dead.

Confident that I have won this battle, I slowly walk up to the STUPID BAT
and wrap it up in a towel. I then quickly walk to the window and throw the
entire bundle out the window. Within seconds, the window is closed and the
sense of saftey overwhelms me.

Before retiring for the night, there is one last thing to do. I need to
collect all the ammo (towels) that have been used in this adventure. After
putting away the towels that are inside the house, I remembered that there
is still one more outside that used to contain a STUPID BAT.

It's so dark outside, I don't even bother to put on a pair of pants so that
I won't offend the neighbors. I easily find the towel in the faint light
coming from the bedroom light and start to pick it up carefully by the
corners. I want to shake it out to make EXTRA sure that the STUPID BAT is
not still inside the towel. After all this, I'll be damned if I'm going to
take the STUPID BAT back into the house.

Suddenly, I feel a small fur covered object rub against my arm! It makes me
jump about 3 feet and nearly gives me a heart attack. After recovering, I
slowly approached the towel to find Roxy looking up at me with the
expression: "Thanks for putting this towel outside for me to sleep on!"

I wanted to KILL that STUPID CAT!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: syr@netropolis.net (Bill Fason)
Subject:The # of The Beast
Date: Thu, 5 Sep 96 4:30:04 EDT

OK, we all know that 666 is the Number of the Beast.

But did you know that:

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast
$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% sales tax
$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and
replacement soul
$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast
6, uh... what
was that number
again? - Number of the Blonde Beast
00666 - Zip code of the Beast
1-900-666-0666 - Live Beasts! One-on-one pacts! Call Now!
Only $6.66/minute. Over 18 only please.
Route 666 - Highway of the Beast
666 F - Oven temperature for roast Beast
666k - Retirement plan of the Beast
6.66 % - 5 year CD interest rate at First Beast National
Bank, $666 minimum deposit.
i66686 - CPU of the Beast
666i - BMW of the Beast
DSM-666 - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast
668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Sean Ahern (ahern@llnl.gov)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dave_barry
Subject: Another story for Dave (if he's even here)
Date: 3 Aug 1995 17:08:58 GMT

On Tue, 1 Aug 1995 16:54:45 -0700 Dante Marcelo wrote:

This week, a million fraternity brothers rushed to join NASA. The reason:
scientists have discovered beer in space.

Well, not beer exactly. But they did find alcohol: ethyl alcohol, to be
precise, the active ingredient in all major alcoholic drinks (antifreeze
Jell-O shots, quite obviously, are exempted from this category). Three
British scientists, Drs. Tom Millar, Geoffrey MacDonald and Rolf Habing,
discovered this interstellar Everclear floating in a gas cloud in the
contellation of Aquila (sign of the Eagle, the mascot of Anheuser-Busch!
Hmmmmm).

Millar and his compatriots have estimated the size of this gas cloud at
approximately 1,000 times the diameter of our own solar system; there's
enough alcohol out there, they say, to make 400 trillion trillion pints of
beer. These guys are British, mind you; if you were to translate this in
terms of American beer (which the British, with some justification, regard
as fermented club soda), the amount of potential brewski just about
doubles.

In human terms: remember that double-keg party you threw at the end of your
Junior year in college (the second Junior year)? Imagine throwing that same
party, every eight hours, for the next 30 billion years. You'd STILL have
beer left over. And boy, would YOUR bathroom be a mess! Simply put, no one
could ever drink 400 trillion trillion pints of beer, except maybe Buffalo
Bills fans.

The sheer volume of all this alcohol begs the question of how it managed to
get out there in the first place. Despite the simplifying effect it has on
the human brain, ethyl alcohol is a reasonably complex molecule: two carbon
atoms, five hydrogen atoms, and a hydroxyl radical, all cavorting together
in beery camaraderie. It's not a compound that is going to spontaneously
arise out of the cold depths of space. It can lead to speculation: What is
this cloud?

1. It's God's beer. After all, He worked for six days creating the
universe, and on the seventh day, He rested. And after you've had a hard
week at the office, don't YOU grab a beer? Since man is made in God's
image, it could be that this cloud is the remaining evidence of the first,
best Miller Time.

2. It's Purgatory ("400 trillion trillion bottles of beer on the wall, 400
trillion trillion bottles of beer! Take one down, pass it around, three
hundred ninety-nine septillion, nine hundred ninety-nine sextillion, nine
hundred ninety-nine quintillion, nine hundred ninety-nine quadrillion, nine
hundred ninety-nine trillion, nine hundred ninety-nine billion, nine
hundred ninety-nine million, nine hundred ninety-nine thousand, nine
hundred ninety-nine, bottles of beer on the wall!")

3. Proof of an undeniably highly advanced but chronically dipsomaniac alien
society. This particular theory is shaky, however: it's reasonable to
assume that if the aliens were going to construct a nebula of alcohol,
they'd also have large clouds of Beer Nuts and pretzels nearby for
snacking. Advanced spectral analysis has yet to locate them.

The truth of the matter, however, is far more prosaic. In the middle of
this gas cloud is a young and no doubt quite inebriated star. As the star
heats up and contracts, sucking the dust and gas of the cloud into a
smaller area, complex molecules form as a result of greater interaction
between the elements. Ethyl alcohol forms on small motes of dust in the
cloud, and then, as the motes angle in closer towards the star and heat up,
the alcohol is released from the motes in gaseous form. And there you have
it: an alcohol cloud. Or, as Dave Bowman might say, "My God! It's full of
booze!"

Enough with the science lesson, you say. Just tell me how to GET there!
Sorry, Chuckles. You can't get there from here. The gas cloud (which, by
the way, has the utterly romantic name of "G34.3") is 10,000 light years
away: 58 quadrillion miles. Even if you hijacked the shuttle and headed out
with thrusters on full, by the time you got there, the guy in Purgatory
would be done with his tune. You'd have had time to work up a powerful
thirst, but you'd also be, in a word, dead.

No, the Space Beer Cloud will have to wait for the far future, when men can
leap through the universe at warp speed. One can only imagine what they
will do when they get there:

Captain Kirk: My....GOD! Sulu! What....is....THAT?

Sulu: It's a free floating cloud of alcohol, sir.

Kirk: And we've just run out of Romulan Ale! Could it be a trap, Bones?

Bones: Damn it, Jim! I'm a doctor, not a distiller of fine spirits!

Kirk: We need that booze! But if we fly through that cloud, we'll be too
drunk to drive!

Spock: May I remind you, Jim, that I am a Vulcan. We are a race of
designated drivers.

Kirk: Well, all righty, then. Spock, drive us through! Bones and I will be
out on the hull. With our mouths... open!

To boldly drink what no man has drunk before.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus

Posted on Rec.Humor By: Emil Hedaya (AKRR70B@prodigy.com)

10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.

8. Beer has never caused a major war.

7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.

6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give
it away.

5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his
brand of Beer.

4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.

2. You can prove you have a Beer.

1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Operating Systems Were Beers...

DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into
8 compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to
be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it
after it's no longer available.

Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered
by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take
one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the
can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't
need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the
trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you
to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only
drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the
Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can
of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too,
but somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open
them, even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2
Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1
Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have
16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1
Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that
this is an entirely new brew.

Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks
just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change the can to
look just like Windows 95 Beer's - after Windows 95 beer starts shipping.
Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in
bars.

Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim
that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the
pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own
can opener around for those occasions, in which case you either need a
complete set of instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer
for several years.

AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up
by some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer
never really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn't
understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely
loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in
32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it appeared
flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the years, so
it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for
watching TV anyway.

VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development
environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients,
you're told that is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the
manuals published by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the
Physicians' Desk Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have
actually seen it.

...Author Unknown
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This comes from Byte magazine. It was an April Fools joke some years ago

----------------------------

DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM?

----------------------------

Do you want the instant respect which comes from being able to use
technical terms THAT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS?

Do you want to strike fear and loathing into the hearts and minds (if
available) of DP managers EVERYWHERE?

If this is so, then let the Famous Programmers' School lead you into the
world of PROFESSIONAL COMPUTER PROGRAMMING!

----------------------------

Q: What do top programmers earn?

A: Despite popular myths, some programmers actually DO earn a living they
love. Other, less fortunate programmers work in their spare time at home
while watching television. Either way, your potential earnings as a
computer programmer could reach into the millions (possibly even into the
BILLIONS!) of dollars. Of course, your success depends a lot upon your
abilities, luck, shoe size, the phase of the moon, etc.

Q: Is programming for YOU?

A: Programming is NOT for everyone. However, if you have a desire to learn,
we can help you get started. ALL you need is the Famous Programmers' Course
and enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month.

----------------------------

******* Take Our FREE Aptitude Test! *******

To help you determine if YOU are qualified to be a programmer, take a
moment to try this simple test:

1) Write down the numbers from zero to nine, and the first six letters of
the alphabet. (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF)
2) Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill?
3) What is the state capital of Idaho?

If you read ALL three of the above questions without wondering why we asked
them, then you are imminently qualified for a future as a computer
programmer.

----------------------------

******* A New Kind Of Programming! *******

They say that a GOOD programmer can write TWENTY LINES of effective program
code a day! With our unique training system, we'll show you how to write 20
lines of code, and LOTS more! Our course covers EVERY PROGRAMMING LANGUAGE
IN EXISTENCE, and even some that aren't! You'll learn why the ON/OFF switch
for the computer is so important, what the words 'FATAL ERROR' mean, and
even who should be blamed when YOU cause it!

----------------------------

******* Student Successes *******

Many of our students have gone on to achieve great successes in ALL FIELDS
of computer programming! One of our former students was the one who
developed the concept of the personalized form letter.... Does the phrase,
"Dear Mr. [insert name], YOU may already be a winner!" sound familiar? It
should! It has already become a standard in the computing industry! Another
student writes, "After only FIVE lessons, I sold an article I wrote, titled
'My Most Unforgettable Program' to Corrosive Computing Magazine!"

Another Graduate Student writes, "I recently completed a
database-management program for my department manager, who was touched so
deeply that he was SPEECHLESS! He told me later that he had never seen such
a program in his entire career, and gave me a vacation! Thank you, Famous
Programmers' School! Only YOU could've made all this possible!"

----------------------------

*******DON'T DELAY!*******

Send for our introductory brochure which explains in vague detail the
operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll be eligible to win
a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which can vie for a set
of free steak knives! If you don't do it now, what will you say when your
friend comes around and says "Gee, I just joined the Famous Programmer'
School, and it's just GREAT!" ?

Simply Fill out the form below and mail it to:

FAMOUS PROGRAMMERS' SCHOOL
Dept. APRFOL
P.O. Box 4634
Paulsborough, NH 03458-0463


-----------------------------------------------------------------
| YES, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer! I |
| enclose $1000 in small, unmarked bills to cover the cost of |
| postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) |
| |
| Please send it to: |
| Name: _____________________________________________________ |
| Address: __________________________________________________ |
| City: _____________________________ State:_________________ |
| Zip: __________________ Phone: (_____)_____-_______ |
-----------------------------------------------------------------

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From Your EMail Address (John.Smith@cognos.com )Thu Mar 27 15:46:38 1997
Subject: One woman's answer to "Girl Friend 1.0"

Last year a friend of mine installed BoyFriend 6.0. While this program did
not come with an uninstaller it seemed to have a time-out feature and would
eventually totally disappear. If she wished to continue running BoyFriend
6.0 she had to reinstall it. She upgraded to Husband 1.0 which retains all
of the features of BoyFriend 6.0 and doesn't seem to uninstall itself as
frequently. No other advantages to upgrading are apparent.

She has been experimenting with the various add-on modules available for
Husband 1.0 . Most recently she has installed MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0
which she downloaded from the Internet at a freeware site. As frequently
happens with freeware the add-ons would start running but then required at
least six additional plug-in modules loaded of Miller 1.1 through Miller
1.6. Substitutions of the Miller 1.x series of plug-ins can be made
interchangeably with Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x. No
significant difference in run time has been noted. Extending the series of
Miller 1.x much beyond 1.6, while possible, seemed to affect the accuracy
of MowLawn 1.2 and YardWork2.0 and becomes counterproductive. Eventually
they cause Husband 1.0 to crash requiring a system shut down. Once crashed
even re-booting usually will not restart Husband 1.0 until the next day.

The Husband 1.0 will not run at all on Sundays with out the liberal
seasonable use of Football 3.0, Basketball 2.0, Baseball 1.5, or Hockey
2.5. Once one of these are running Husband 1.0 keeps requesting additional
installations of Coors 1.x, Budweiser 2.x, or Sam Adams 1.x plus assorted
plug-ins of FOOD 3.x. This seems to occupy the Husband 1.0 exclusively and
no additional features can be accessed or run.

She occasionally runs Husband 1.0 with the Theater 4.0 module and, while it
does run, Husband 1.0 will complain of run-time, lack of resources, and
will run sluggishly. If it seems to stop (energy save mode) it can be
restarted with a "warm boot". The "warm boot" can cause momentary confusion
and cause Husband 1.0 to then request the score. Comment: None of these
problems are apparent if she uses action plug-ins such as UnderSiege 2.0 or
DieHard 3.0. She gets similar performance from running BoyFriend 6.0 with
Shopping 3.5 unless she uses the plug-ins for Sears 2.4 and HomeDepot 1.7.

Many times she reevaluates the need for Husband 1.0 or even BoyFriend 6.0.
She considers the running difficulties, occasional unreliability,
complaints of low system resources; and constant demands for
care/attention. She wonders why she doesn't just let it stay uninstalled
and maybe she would if it wasn't for the way BoyFriend 6.0 or Husband 1.0
ran with Love 1.0.

by Jeannette DiLorenzo
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rules for Bedroom Golf

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club
and two (2) balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.

3. Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play may begin.

4. For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid
any damage to the course.

6. Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while
keeping the balls out.

7. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary
until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so
may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.

8. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention being given to the
well-formed bunkers.

9. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played
or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this
reason.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this
situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when
this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along,
just in case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before
attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course
owner.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a
given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and
the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to
continue to play several different courses.

From: Gomez R Maj ACC/DOTO (gomezjr@ns.langley.af.mil)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dynamic Deity Management Ltd.

Date :- 3rd May 0023

TO:
Messrs Matthew, Mark, Luke & John (Publishers).
13a Sandy Wasteland Square,
Just Next to the Pizza Hut,
Judea.

Dear Sirs,

It is Mr. Christ's understanding that you are planning to write and publish
a biography of him in the near future. Such a biography would, he is sure
you would realise, be entirely unauthorised and if it were published in the
form you suggest he would be forced to take the matter up with the highest
authority.

However he can fully understand your wish to write about his life and will
sanction such a project a number of conditions:

1) That the title of the book be 'The Holy Bible' and not as you
propose, 'Hot and Salty - Our Sexy Savior's Saucy Story'.

2) That you do not mention the name of his natural Father (Elvin
Roxenby-Toke) who, for legal reasons, contests paternity. He
suggest you utilise the 'virgin birth' scenario. Mr. Christ
realises that this is entirely ludicrous but suggests that no-
one ever went bust underestimating the credibility off the
average religious zealot.

3) That all references to the incident involving the members of
members of the Bethlehem Boys Club, olive oil and a wooden spoon
to be exised forthwith.

4) That the death scene to be 'pepped up' as it were. The actual
circumstances that you mention are simply not dramatic enough. An
accident with a wine jar and a stray fish just does not have the
theatrical impact of say, a crucifixion with the full atmospheric
effects of a large cast.

5) That the book not to be dedicated, as it is at the moment, to
'My dearest Wooly-Boo with all my love squiggles.'

6) That a fictional character, possibly a twelfth disciple, be
introduced to give him away to the authorities. The reality of
the case, that he was shopped by his Mother and done for indecent
exposure, should on no account be discussed.

7) And the so called 'Parable of the Leather Undergarment' be
removed or at least modified.

As long as these guidelines are followed he can see no reason why you
should not write and publish your proposed biography although he doesn't
see it as a success himself. He informs me that he enjoyed your previous
books, especially 'Murderburger Hell-High' and 'Slutslaughter - Slashin'
the Winded'. Your suggested biography of him appears to be in the same vein
and it is for this reason that he must reject your offer of a profit
sharing scheme in return for his appearing to promote the book. In any case
Mr. Christ is at the moment fully occupied with his promotion for 'Shake
'n' Vac'.

Yours sincerely.

Adam G Smith.
pp Jesus H Christ.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim
her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy
21:11-13)

2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)

3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -
Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and
carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost
you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.
Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years
for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right.
Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his
daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)

9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll
definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis
4:16-17)

10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes
or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have
seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your
decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson
(Judges 14:1-3)

12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).
- David (2 Samuel 11)

13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good
idea; it's the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in
Ruth)

14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1
Kings 11:1-3)

15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

(original author unknown)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Billy's Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvorak's column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldn't print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get
the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and
explain. It's about my son, Billy. He's always been a good, normal ten year
old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp
for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps
with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire -- you know. There
were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military
camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying. I tried to talk him
into Camp Winnepoopoo. It's where he went last year. (He made an adorable
picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of
it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!
We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left
three weeks ago. I don't know what's happened. He's changed. I can't
explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billy's letters.

Dear Mom,
The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good
part. We're learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to
program, so they let us stay up.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get
to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you
make Szechuan food? I'm getting used to it now. Gotta go, it's time for the
flowchart class.
Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? It's
spellchecked too.

Dear Mom,
Don't worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of
the green computer screens. It was real neat. I don't have much of a tan
'cause we don't go outside very often. You can't see the computer screen in
the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food
too. Lay off, Mom. I'm okay, really.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,
I'm fine. I'm sleeping enough. I'm eating enough. This is the best camp
ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny.
He got mad and yelled. Frederick says it's okay. Can you send more money? I
spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. I've got to
chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a
computer? Give my regards to Dad.
Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,
Forget the money for the telephone. We've got a way to not pay. Sorry I
haven't written. I've been learning a lot. I'm real good at getting onto
any computer in the country. It's really easy! I got into the university's
in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, he's going to show
me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. He's really smart. He says that I
shouldn't call myself Billy anymore. So, I'm not.
Signed, William.

Dear Mother,
How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Why'd you get so upset? I
haven't gained that much weight. The glasses aren't real. Everybody wears
them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I
thought that you'd be proud of my program. After all, I've made some money
on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, I've paid for
the next six weeks of camp. I won't be home until late August.
Regards, William.

Mother,
Stop treating me like a child. True -- physically I am only ten years old.
It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can
make your life miserable (i.e. - the bank, credit bureau, and government
computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I won't write again and this is your
only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.
Sincerely, William.

See what I mean? It's been two weeks since I've heard from my little boy.
What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that it's probably too late to save my
little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD
from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so. Thank you very
much.

Sally Gates, Concerned Parent
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nuts
Subject: real life story
From: Seth Grant (VPZRYAB@GROVE.IUP.EDU)
Date: 07 Feb 1993 21:09:00 -0500 (EST)

I'm a bio major at IUP (Indiana University of Pennsylvania) and was taking
a cell biology course my freshman year. Our task of the day was examining
epitheleal cheek cells under a microscope. We had to scrape the inside of
our mouth with a toothpick and make a slide from it and id the different
types of cells that were found. One girl in the class (a rather well built
sorority gal, which is why I sat next to her) was having some trouble
identifing some cells. She called the prof. over to ask him. After a moment
or two of peering in her scope, he looked up, and said in a loud voice,
"Those are sperm cells."

The girl turned bright red and ran out of the room. Needless to say, she
dropped the class. (Although I spent two weeks looking for her, I never did
see her again.) Such is life :)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

These four gents go out to play golf one day. One is detained in the
clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while
walking to the first tee

"My son," says one, "has made quite a name for himself in the homebuilding
industry. He began as a carpenter,but now owns his own design and
construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to
give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."

The second man not to be outdone, told how his daughter began her career as
a car salesperson,but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so
successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new
cars as a gift."

The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm
and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing
their children and ask him about his son.

"To tell the truth,I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he
replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just
recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be
good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand
new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Things To Do While Giving Blood

by Tina Mancuso (tmancuso@drew.edu) and Paul Coen (pcoen@drew.edu)

10) Watch the bag fill.
9) Hyperventilate.
8) Pull the tube out of the bag and drink from it.
7) Race to see who fills their bag first (requires 2 or more people).
6) Puncture the bag near the top and see whether they pull the needle out
of your arm before the blood squirts out.
5) While they're not looking, substitute a bag of orange liquid and
complain they gave you too much Tang.
4) Insist that you want to give 2 pints.
3) Faint.
2) Tell them you saw the bag twitch.
1) Yell, "Hey, you used that needle on the last guy!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

X-News: forest bit.listserv.giggles:8849
From: Doug Honea (Doug5859@AOL.COM)
Subject:JOKE-CLEAN: A Boat Story
Date: Sun, 17 Dec 1995 20:11:35 -0500

There were two identical twin brothers by the name of Jones. John was
married but Joe, the other brother, was single and the owner of a small
dilapidated boat.

It happened that the same day that John's wife died, Joe's boat sank. A
kind old lady met Joe on the street and, mistaking him for his brother
John, said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must
feel terrible." Joe said, "Well, I'm not a bit sorry. She was rotten from
the start. Her bottom was all chewed up; she smelled of old fish even from
the first time I got on her. She made water faster than anything I ever
saw. She had a bad hole in the front, and a big crack in the back. The hole
kept getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all
right, but when anyone else used her, she leaked all over the place.

"What finished her, though, was four guys from the other side of town came
over looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented
her, but warned them that she wasn't too hot. But they insisted that they
would like to give her a try. The result was that the crazy fools all tried
to get into her at once. The strain was too much for her, she cracked right
down the middle."

The old lady fainted.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

A new aid to rapid--almost magical--learning has made its appearance.
Indications are that if it catches on all the electronic gadgets will be so
much junk.

The new device is known as Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge. The makers
generally call it by its initials, BOOK(tm).

Many advantages are claimed over the old-style learning and teaching aids
on which most people are brought up nowadays. It has no wires, no electric
circuit to break down. No connection is needed to an electricity power
point. It is made entirely without mechanical parts to go wrong or need
replacement.

Anyone can use BOOK(tm), even children, and it fits comfortably into the
hands. It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire.

How does this revoluntionary, unbelievably easy invention work?

Basically BOOK(tm) consists only of a large number of paper sheets. These
may run to hundreds where BOOK(tm) covers a lengthy program of information.
Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used in
the wrong order.

To make it even easier for the user to keep the sheets in the proper order
they are held firmly in place by a special locking device called a
"binding".

Each sheet of paper presents the user with an information sequence in the
form of symbols, which he absorbs optically for automatic registration on
the brain. When one sheet has been assimilated a flick of the finger turns
it over and further information is found on the other side. By using both
sides of each sheet in this way a great economy is effected, thus reducing
both the size and cost of BOOK(tm). No buttons need to be pressed to move
from one sheet to another, to open or close BOOK(tm), or to start it
working.

BOOK(tm) may be taken up at any time and used by merely opening it.
Instantly it is ready for use. Nothing has to be connected up or switched
on. The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as
he pleases. A sheet is provided near the beginnning as a location finder
for any required information sequence.

A small accessory, available at trifling extra cost, is the BOOK(tm)mark.
This enables the user to pick up his program where he left off on the
previous learning session. BOOK(tm)mark is versatile and may be used in any
BOOK(tm).

The initial cost varies with the size and subject matter. Already a vast
range of BOOK(tm)s is available, covering every conceivable subject and
adjusted to different levels of aptitude. One BOOK(tm), small enough to be
held in the hands, may contain an entire learning schedule.

Once purchased, BOOK(tm) requires no further upkeep cost; no batteries or
wires are needed, since the motive power, thanks to an ingenious device
patented by the makers, is supplied by the brain of the user.

BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference the
program schedule is normally indicated on the back of the binding.

Altogether the Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge seems to have great
advantages with no drawbacks. We predict a big future for it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
TO: RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT
FR: ADMINISTRATOR

BOOK(tm) does not, in spite of the claims, seem "to have great advantages
with no drawbacks". Soon, it probably won't even be legal. Consider:

It can be conveniently used sitting in an armchair by the fire. Being
paper, it might burn in the fire. Probably fire laws in most locations
wouldn't allow its use there. Worse, such a device, which encourages close
proximity of the user to fire, will be outlawed by OSHA's request.

"Each sheet bears a number in sequence, so that the sheets cannot be used
in the wrong order." How quaint; to think that the programmer (author)
would be allowed to turn over such an important task to the user! "cannot"
is clearly misuse; any user could incorrectly turn to the wrong sheet. A
proper user interface might correct that, of course, such as requiring that
each sheet be torn off to expose the next. This is in clear conflict with
"The user may turn at will to any sheet, going backwards or forwards as he
pleases."

"BOOK(tm)s may be stored on handy shelves and for ease of reference". The
user interface obviously needs more work before such a system can be
practical.

Regarding the claim that "the motive power -- is supplied by the brain of
the user." Clearly, the inventors have not examined recent trends. No
serious person would suggest even expecting a "user" to have a brain
present, much less to use it so continuously.

I'd suggest you return to your consoles and do a thorough associative
search of various data banks, like the rest of us, and forget this
nonsense.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
ADDENDUM FROM THE VICE PRESIDENT

A further problem exists with this so-called BOOK concept. Whoever would
you get to write such a thing? The way it appears, each paper sheet would
have to be filled from edge to edge with WORDS (Well-Ordered, Recognizable
Dialogue Symbols). Can you imagine asking someone to put that many WORDS
together? It would take, by reasonable calculations, 30,000 to 50,000 WORDS
to create this BOOK thing. You will never, ever get anyone who would be so
disciplined as to sit down and string together that many words. Can you
imagine how long that would take? So, even if the BOOK idea ever were to be
tried, what crazy lunatic would ever want to write one? It'll never work.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Alessio Tiramani [Alessio@VALDENA.DEMON.CO.UK]

FALLING OVER by Eileen Dover

ICE CREAMS by Conan Wafer

THE INSOMNIAC by Eliza Wake

CONSTRUCTING A HOUSE by Bill Ding

CENTRAL HEATING by Ray D. Aitor

A QUICK MEAL by Tina Beans

I THINK I'VE BEEN BITTEN by A. Flea

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: gramps@iop.com

I'm surprised you haven't listed the 1930s 6th grade humor book:
THE TIGER'S REVENGE by Claude Balls

Lee D. Quinn "the wordgeezer" hiding at words@iop.com
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Sharon Whiteman

Yellow River by I.P. Freely

Antlers in the Trees by Whogoosed D. Moose
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Song Weaver (julie@DRYCAS.CLUB.CC.CMU.EDU)
Subject: FW: Borg Barbie

The Mattel Toy company, in conjunction with Paramount Studios,
announces the newest release in the "Barbie" line, "Borg Barbie."
Created as an offshoot of the Classic Trek Barbie and Ken line, Borg
Barbie features the fun of Barbie and the excitement of the fabulously
successful Star Trek (tm) films and television programs.

Borg Barbie comes with a complete Borg suit and SHE TALKS!!! Watch
your children marvel as Borg Barbie says phrases like, "Assimilation
is Hard," "Let's accessorize our implants," "Your shopping mall WILL
service the Borg," and "Let's absorb some cultures!"

Recognizing a long-time deficiency in the Ken product, Mattel is
releasing its new, "Assimilated Ken," with a complete line of
attachments and accessories. Assimilated Ken comes "fully functional
and versed in multiple techniques," to give your kids hours of
enjoyment.

The Borg Barbie line includes the new Shuttlecraft that converts into
a Borg Cube. The Borg Cube configuration features slots to insert
Barbie, Ken, and the new "Modified Midge" and "Cyber Skipper" dolls.
Join all four to create an invincible Barbie Collective that says, "We
are Barbie of Borg. Resistance is Futile. You WILL buy accessories for
US."
_________________________________________________________________

Back to TV and Movies

Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page

Who's the Boss?

When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be
boss.

The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he
should be boss. The legs argued that since they took man wherever he wanted
to go, they should be boss. The stomach countered with the explanation that
since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that
without them man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the
asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard at
this that the asshole became mad and closed up.

After a few days...

The brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got ill, and the
eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole
boss.

This proved that you don't have to be a brain to be boss...

Just an Asshole.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

~From: ecltyo@iac.co.jp (Grant Muir)

kazandar@ix.net.com wrote:

>An interesting note: male scientists at one time argued that men had the
>potential to be more intelligent than women because on average their
brains
>were about 10% larger. Last month, a study was published that (without
>getting into the boring details) conclusively proved that women had just
as
>many neurons, and just as many neural connections, as men did. How is that

>possible given that their brains are smaller? Turns out that a woman's
brain
>is actually constructed in a more efficient manner, meaning that less
>'structural' material is required. So the 'lost 10%' is actually the waste

>space saved by the more efficient model.

>The more efficient model...as in, men have Brain 1.0 and women have Brain
1.1
>- the new and improved version. Leads to some rather interesting lines of
>thought, doesn't it? ;-)

You mean there's no upgrade path.? What a con. I want a refund. Ah, but
wait a minute, this is hardware, or at least squishyware[tm], no upgrades.

So, are women's brains RISC brains? It certainly explains all the
compatibility problems between v1.0 & 1.1 (10^8 pts. !!)

I hear that v1.1 can't handle baseball stats very well, much in the same
way that v1.0 doesn't recognize 'Totally lost. Refer to Map error -
L112b4'. Maybe some smart Genetic Engineer can come up with a patch to sort
out the compatibility issues. But let's face it, both versions are still as
buggy as hell.

I'm in a silly mood tonight, and I know who's to blame.

Grant - Member of Scottish.And.Damned.Proud.Of.That.Cabal,(SADPOT.C)
members wanted (Crazed, psychotic, kilt wearing, claymore wielding, haggis
hunting, caber tossing, highland flinging, eightsome reeling, whiskey
drinking, non-underwear wearing[underwear is for big jessies only], nessie
seaching, redhead loving, please can we have a Scottish actor playing a
Scotsman in a movie for once, just *once*, asking, Simple Minds dancing,
types.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

NEW
THE ^ BILL OF RIGHTS

Nearly everything has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights
was written and adopted. We still see the original words when we read those
first 10 Amendments to the Constitution, yet the meaning is vastly
different now.

And no wonder. We've gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred
million. The nation's desire to band together was replaced by revulsion of
togetherness. We exchanged a birthright of justice for a magic bullet, and
replaced the Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer Stereo.

We're not the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should
reflect this. As we approach the 21st Century, it's time to bring the
wording up to date showing what we are and who we are.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it
did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such
speech can be construed as "commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or
"offensive speech;" or shall abridge the right of the people to peaceably
assemble where and when permitted; or shall abridge the right to petition
the government for a redress of grievances, under proper procedures.

It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more
persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared Protected by
one or more divisions of Federal, State or Local government, in which case
the number of persons shall be one or more.

AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the
President, and no political entity within the United States shall maintain
a military force beyond Presidential control. The right of the people to
keep and bear arms shall be determined by the Congress and the States and
the Cities and the Counties and the Towns (and someone named Fred.)

AMENDMENT III

No soldier shall, in time of peace, be quartered in any house without the
consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or
believed may be used, for some purpose contrary to law or public policy.

AMENDMENT IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and
effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may not be suspended
except to protect public welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject
to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such
places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated
without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to
law.

AMENDMENT V

Any person may be held to answer for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion
whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state
courts, by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; and may be
compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his
body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding
actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall
become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune
from seizure by injured parties.

AMENDMENT VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to avoid
prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure
to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser
charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is
completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from
service on a jury.

AMENDMENT VII

In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may
interest the public, the right of trial in the Press shall not be abridged.

AMENDMENT VIII

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that dangerous persons remain in
custody pending trial. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded
protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent
upon incarceration facilities available.

AMENDMENT IX

The enumeration in The Constitution of certain rights shall be construed to
deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the
branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall
themselves become enacted by Amendment.

AMENDMENT X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be
deemed to be powers residing in persons holding appointment therein through
the Civil Service, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments
as determined by the public interest. The public interest shall be
determined by the Civil Service.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Habkirk_John (Habkirkj@FRPOST1.FRMOUGINS.ALLERGAN.SPRINT.COM)
Date: Tue, 20 Feb 1996 17:45:57 -0500

MOM'S BROWNIES

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr "no, no."
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing
shortening from cat's tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for
ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a
mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from
bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9x13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no
idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while there's still
time and he's still able to run away.

FROSTING

Mix the following in saucepan:

* 1 cup sugar
* 1 oz unsweetened chocolate
* 1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away -- far
away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know
Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in
playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose
in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Actual Church Bulletins1) This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south
and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2) Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an Ice Cream Social. All ladies giving
milk please come early.
3) Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put
Me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the Pastor.
4) This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an
egg on the Altar.
5) The service will close with "Little Drops of Water". One of the ladies will
start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
6) On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new
carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet, please come forward and
get a piece of paper.
7) The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be
seen in the church basement on Friday.
8) Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So
ends a friendship that began in school days.
9) This week's saints include a French woman (Teresa, the Little Flower), a
Swedish woman (Bridget), an Italian man (Francis of Assisi), a German man
(Bruno), a Jewess from the Holy Land (Mary, God's Mother). They include single
people and married people. Bridget was a wife and mother. Mary was a virgin and
virgin mother. If they could do it, so can we.
10) For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
11) The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
12) The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."
13) The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.
14) Thursday at 5 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All
wishing to become little mothers will please meet with the minister in the
study.
15) During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a
good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
16) Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor
will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
17) Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be
discontinued until further notice.
18) Offertory: "Jesus Paid It All"
19) Today - Christian Youth Fellowship House Sexuality Course, 1 p.m.-8 p.m.
Please park in the rear parking lot for this activity.
20) The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in
celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
21) Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
22) The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church
basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

23) The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are
due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano,
which as usual fell upon her.
24) 22 members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs.
Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet,
The Lord Knows Why.
25) Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't
care much about you.
26) A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
27) Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
28) Hymn 43: "Great God, what do I see here?"
Preacher: The Rev. Horace Blodgett
Hymn 47: "Hark! an awful voice is sounding"

29) On a church bulletin during the minister's illness:
GOD IS GOOD
Dr. Hargreaves is better.

30) Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
31) Don't let worry kill you off - let the church help.
From "Anguished English," by Richard Lederer.


I'm told that these are all REAL church billboards, but a couple sound more like
announcements, so now doubt is cast on their authenticity. But it's worth a
laugh anyway...
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David A.
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs Julius Belzer.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will
follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come
early and listen to our choir practice.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Green
who has Mrs Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the
sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.


These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a
church service:
Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING Conference:
"The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals."
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation
hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water"
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus"
Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions.
She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor John's sermons.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to
join the choir.
Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and
gracious hostility.
This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the
Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him
their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back
door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use
large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last
Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

[Editor's Note: I've also seen this with IBM as the company. I'm not sure
who wrote it; one source said Richard Sexton, and another said Stephen
Harrison and Noel Magee. If anyone knows, send me mail.]

Lunch, the HP Way

This is the story of a different kind. No melting CPU's, no screaming disc
drives, just the kind of psychological torture that scars a man for life.

I had a 9:00 meeting with my sales rep. I needed to buy an entire new
series 70, the works. He said it'd take about an hour. Three hours later,
we'd barely got the datacomm hardware down on paper, so he invited me
downstairs for lunch.

This was my first experience in an HP cafeteria. Above the service counter
was a menu which began...

MMU's (Main Menu Units)

0001A Burger. Includes sesame-seed bun.
Must order comdiments 00110A separately

001 Deletes seeds. 002 Expands burger to two patties.

00020A Double cheeseburger, preconfigured. Includes cheese,
bun and condiments.

001 Add-on bacon. 002 Delete second patty. 003 Replaces second
patty with extra cheese.

00021A Burger Upgrade to Double Cheeseburger

001 From Single Burger. 002 From Double Burger. 003 Return
credit for bun.

00220A Burger Bundle. Includes 00010A, 00210A and 00310A

001 Substitute root beer 00311A for cola 00310A.

My eyes glazed over. I asked for a burger and a root beer. The waitress
looked at me like I was an alien.

"How would you like to order that, sir?"

"Quickly, if possible. Can't I just order a sandwich and a drink?"

"No sir. All our service is menu driven. Now what would you like?"

I scanned the menu. "How big is the 00010 burger?"

"The patty is rated at eight bites."

"Well, how about the rest of it?"

"I dont have the specs on that, sir, but I think it's a bit more."

"Eight bites is too small. Give me the Double Burger Upgrade."

My sales rep interrupted. "No, you want the Single Burger option 002
'expands burger to two patties'. The double burger upgrade would give you
two burgers."

"But you could get return credit on the extra bun," the waitress chimed in,
trying to be helpful, "although it isn't documented."

I looked around to see if anybody was staring at me. There was a couple in
line behind us. I recognized one of them, a guy who nearly mowed me down in
the parking lot with his cherry-red '62 Vette. He was talking to some woman
who was waving her arms around and looking very excited.

"What if... we marketed the bacon cheeseburger with the vegetable option
and without the burger and cheese? It'd be a BLT!"

The woman charged off in the direction of the telephone, running
steeplechases over tables and chairs. My waitress tried to get my attention
again. "Have you decided, sir?"

"Yeah, give me the double burger- excuse me, I mean the 00020A with the
option 001. I want everything on it." She put me down for the Condiment
Expansion Kit, which included mayonnaise, mustard and pickles with a option
to substitute relish.

"Ketchup." I hated to ask. "I want ketchup on that, too."

"That's not a condiment, sir, it's a Tomato Product." My sales rep butted
in again. "That's not a supported configuration."

"What now?" I kept my voice steady.

"Too juicy. The bun can't handle it."

"Look. Forget the ketchup, just put some lettuce and tomatoes on it."

The waitress backed away from the counter. "I'm sorry, sir, but that's not
supported either, the bun can take it but the burger won't fit in the box.
The sales rep defended himself. "Just not at first release." "It is being
beta-tested, sir."

I checked the overhead screen. Fries, number 000210A, option 110. French
followed by option 120, English. "What the hell are English Fries?" I
turned to the sales rep. "Chips they call them. We sell a lot of them."

I gave up. "OK, OK just give me a plain vanilla Burger Bundle." The
confused the waitress profoundly. "Sir, Vanilla as an option is configured
only for series 00450 Milkshakes." My sales rep chuckles. "No ma'am, he
just wants a standard 00220A off the shelf. I wondered how long it had been
on the shelf. I didn't ask.

"Very good, sir." The waitress breathed a sigh off relief. "Your meal is
now on order. Now how would you like it supported?"

"Support?" She directed me to the green shaded area at the bottom of the
menu, and I began a litany with my Sales Rep that I'll never forget.

"Implementation assistance?"

"You get a waiter."

"Implementation analysis?"

"You tell him how hungry you are and he tells you what to eat."

"Response Center Support?"

"He brings it to your table."

"Extended materials?"

"You get refills."

I stuffed some money at the waitress and told her to take it. She gave me
my check on three sheets of green-bar paper. I studied it on my way to the
table, and decided it'd pass as an emergency napkin.

Table? My Sales Rep had been bright enough to order us a table. He hadn't
been bright enough to check on a delivery date. The table waiter slouching
in his corner surveyed the crowded room, looked at me and said, "Two weeks.
But I can get you a standalone chair by the window right away."

I handed him the tray. A woman rushed up to me with two small cups of chile
and sauerkraut for the hot dog somebody else had ordered. The room began to
grow dim, my eyesight faded...

I woke up clutching the water-glass at my bedside table. It was five AM,
four hours till my meeting with HP. I had had a vision, I did what it told
me to do. I dialed my office, and I called in sick.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

HOW TO TELL A BUSINESSMAN FROM A BUSINESSWOMAN

A businessman is aggressive; a businesswoman is pushy.

A businessman is good on details; she is picky.

He loses his temper because he's so involved in his job; she is bitchy.

When he is depressed (or hung-over), everyone tiptoes past his office; she
is moody, so it must be her time of the month.

He follows through; she doesn't know when to quit.

He's confident; she's conceited.

He stands firm; she's impossible to deal with.

He is firm; she is hard.

His judgments are her prejudices.

He drinks because of the excessive job pressure; she's a lush.

He isn't afraid to say what he thinks; she's mouthy.

He's close-mouthed; she's secretive.

He climbed the ladder to success; she slept her way to the top.

He is a stern taskmaster; she's hard to work for.

He is witty; she is sarcastic.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

ROAD TESTED! ways to amuse yourself during a business trip

On the plane:

1. Carry a toilet aboard the plane. Tell the flight crew that you have to
carry it aboard with you. Offer to sit on it during the flight.

2. Select a flight attendant. Every time she walks by, make a face as
though something smells really bad.

3. Ring your call button. When the flight attendant responds, speak in
gibberish. Become more agitated and animated as she becomes more frustrated
in her attempts to understand you.

4. When the captain announces "if there's anything we can do to make your
flight more comfortable...." ring and ask that the row of seats in front of
you be removed.

5. After the safety presentation, when they tell you that your flight
attendant will be coming by to answer any questions you might have, take
them up on the offer. Ask questions that no one can answer, like what you
say to God when He sneezes. Even better, act as though you have a short
attention span and ask them to repeat parts of it.

6. Ask if you can put on your oxygen mask now, just in case.

7. Take the airline magazine and provide your own captions for the pictures
and add your own footnotes to the articles. Be as creative and vulgar as
possible. At the end of the flight, leave the magazine on board for the
next person.

8. If you're seated in the exit row on a crowded airplane, as you're
taxiing out to the runway, ring your call button and tell the flight
attendant that you have an indiscernable condition that would prevent you
from performing the activities listed on the safety card, and would like to
be reseated. (WARNING: Don't do this on New York-bound flights).

9. If you are sitting next to a particularly chatty person, the following
are good ways to shut them up:

* pull out a pornographic magazine and make graphic comments about the
models.
* as soon as it is practical, take out a notebook and pen and begin to
write obscenities and satanic slogans and draw pentagrams and other
satanic objects. This is especially effective if you use a very smelly
magic marker.
* fall asleep with your head on their shoulder.
* assume the lotus position and begin to chant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the hotel:

1. Take the pens out of the room and replace them with pens from another
hotel chain.

2. If you are placed in a room where there are two beds, and one of the
beds has been turned down, stack all of your luggage and dirty clothes on
that bed and sleep in the other. If there's only one bed, make it look as
if you've slept on the foldaway bed, sofa, chair or on the floor.

3. Leave your "do not disturb" sign on the room all the time, even when
you've gone out for the day.

4. Write notes to the maid in soap on the mirror in the bathroom.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the restaurant:

1. If the hostess asks you "smoking or non-smoking?" tell her you don't
care. If she insists, ask for one of each.

2. Bring your own food.

3. At some point during the meal, ask your server for another knife. Tell
them "this one's so dull, you couldn't cut a fart with it."

4. Move the things on the table around as if they were chess pieces. If the
server tries to take something off the table, slap their hand and tell them
"THAT'S IN PLAY!"

5. If the restaurant in your hotel is particularly fancy, come down to
dinner in your jeans and t-shirt. If they tell you that the restaurant
requires a coat and tie, go back to your room and return wearing a jacket,
tie and boxer shorts.

*** I'm looking for more of these....mail them to me at johlt@aol.com ***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: tmancuso@drew.edu (tina)
Newsgroups: du.cla.csci
Subject: CS26 nightmare, or, C is evil
Date: 6 Mar 91 16:12:36 EST

Once upon a time there were 3 pointers. The Papa pointer pointed to a big
array. The Mama pointer pointed to a double precision floating-point. And
the Baby pointer pointed to a little integer. One day they all entered a
function, and a little lost pointer named Goldilocks entered their house
(affectionately known as main()). Goldilocks was hungry so she called
strcpy() to copy Papa's array into herself. Her calls to malloc() slowed
the main program to a near standstill, but Goldie didn't care. She then
went for Mama's double precision floating-point. But before she could get
Baby's integer, the three pointers came back, and they were so angry at
Goldie's thievery that they caused a run-time error and the whole house
caved in.

The above actually happened. I'm not kidding. Really.

In other words: OH MY GOD MY PROGRAM CRASHED AGAIN, IT WAS DUE THIS MORNING
AND IT DOESN'T WORK! I HATE C. I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANOTHER POINTER AS LONG
AS I LIVE. DOWN WITH KERNIGHAN AND RITCHIE!

--Tina "no, I'm not stressed...really" M.

P.S. After I wrote this I got the %&^%*$ program to work. I think it wanted
to spite me.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Found this one on talk.bizarre:

* * * *
~From: spt@waikato.ac.nz (Simon Travaglia, Analyst/Programmer)
~Subject: MAN BAKES CAKE WITH RECIPE FOUND ON INTERNET!!!
~Date: 8 Aug 95 14:25:32 +1200

(c)1995 SimonT

MAN BAKES CAKE WITH RECIPE FOUND ON INTERNET!

Hamilton, New Zealand, 8-Aug-1995

A Hamilton (New Zealand) Analyst Programmer, Simon Travaglia, was caught
last week baking a cake from a recipe he found 'On the Internet..'. Police
were called in when neighbours became suspicious about 'bakery smells'
wafting into their homes from Travaglia's residence. Police noted that
Travaglia had in his posession sophisticated cake-baking apparatus
including an oven and several professionally crafted spatulas, which, if
used properly, could have produced 10 or more cakes in a single day.

Police also found a stockpile of cakes, including several banana cakes, two
chocolate cakes, and a self-saucing pudding. At the time of his arrest, Mr
Travaglia was apparently in the process of making several scones which were
appeared destined to be stored in 'scone-caches' around the city. The
Police also found was a larder full of ingredients with an estimated street
value of several dollars.

Experts who examined one cake surmised that it had an estimated yield of "8
slices, possibly 10 if you cut it up thinner".

A well-known member of parliament has renewed his calls for censorship of
"Usenet News" groups which distribute such material. He says: "We are faced
with a situation whereby school-age-children, without the knowledge of
their parents, can download recipes by the dozen, and store them in
encrypted form on the computer. Parents cannot be expected to Police this
information, and it is time legislation was put into place to prevent the
distribution of these recipes and punish those responsible for attempting
it."

When it was pointed out that several similar recipes were available at many
public libraries, the Minister indicated that libraries were in a position
to control access to these books both by placing them in prominent places
under the watchful eyes of library staff and also on the top shelves of
book stacks. He similarly refuted claims that cakes such as the ones found
could be made by any third year cookery student.

"These cakes" he said "were not made by trial and error. I have been
assured by experts that the icing on the top of the chocolate cake in
particular was applied by a practised hand. If this information is out
there, it will be found and used, and it's obvious that the Internet has NO
conscience when it comes to the distribution of sweet foods. We must act,
and we must act now!"

Meantime the Police have confirmed that despite all attempts to the
contrary, three of the seized cakes had 'gone off'. On this occasion,
no-one was seriously injured, although one officer was taken to sick bay
with 'a sore tummy'.

Simon Travaglia, Univ of Waikato, Private Bag 3105, Hamilton, New Zealand
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The story goes that one day during an examination at Cambridge University,
a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes
and ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred year old
Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and
pointed to the section which read (rough translation from the Latin):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale".

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat
there, writing his examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later though, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing
a sword to the examination.
--
Mike Andrews
udsd007@dsibm.okladot.state.ok.us
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

~From: bruceg@access5.digex.net (Bruce Garrett)
~Newsgroups: alt.politics.homosexuality
~Subject: Re: HOMOSEXUALITY IS (not) IMMORAL

Subotai Jebe Barca <102337.112@CompuServe.COM>

SB> An asshole is full of germs. A pussy is not.

SB> "You can get more done with a kind word and a gun
SB> than you can with a kind word alone".
SB> - Alphonse Capone

You know it's going to be a delightful week when, first thing on Monday,
you read an article from a dime store crackpot about how vaginal sex is
remarkably germ free, complete with a quote appended to it from a man who
died of a chronic syphilis infection.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twisted Greeting Cards

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I must express my gratitude
for such a lovely gift.
Your thoughtfulness and taste is matched
only by your thrift.
It's clear that you spared all expense,
if you catch my drift.
Remove the anti-theft device
when you again shoplift.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

We're sorry you now mourn the loss
of your beloved cat.
For if we had only braked in time,
it wouldn't be so flat.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's Christmas time, and once again,
the family's gathered 'round.
Uncles, aunts, and cousins come
to raise a joyful sound.
All that is, except for you,
whom we can only send this mail.
But we'll save your gifts for fifty years
till you get out of jail.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The frost is on the meadow,
the dew upon the grass.
Here's your stinking birthday card,
now shove it up your *ahem*.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've tender thoughts and memories
of the special time we shared.
I'd never been so close to you,
for it was more than souls we bared.
But I've since come to have regrets
and wonder if we erred,
For now the sores have failed to heal,
and I'm getting really scared.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

This Christmas time I give to you
a book that isn't mine.
So give it back before it's due
or I'll have to pay a fine.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Golden fields of daffodils,
sparkling mountain streams,
Crisp clean air and cotton clouds,
vistas from our dreams.
But all throughout our lovely trip,
to thoughts of you we've clung,
Because you'll never see these things
in your iron lung.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I think upon a special time,
one that I shall miss.
A moonlit walk upon the shore,
a hug and then a kiss.
And though I'd like to write some more,
I really have to piss.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

X-News: forest bit.listserv.giggles:15636
From: Oz (marko@EPIC.CO.UK)
Subject:JOKE-CLEAN: Carpe ?
Date: Thu, 25 Jul 1996 08:52:55 +0100

carpe diem........ sieze the day
carpe deum........ god is a fish
carpe carpe....... sieze the fish
crape diem........ bad day
carpe diem........ complain daily
carpe per diem.... sieze the check
carpe canem....... sieze the dog
carpe devo........ sieze the record
carnivore carpe.... RUN!!
carpe calypso.... .sieze the DAY-O
or sieze the dance
or sieze the boat
carpe Teva........sieze the sandal
carpe noctum...... sieze the night
carpe horribilis.. sieze the ugly bear
carpe badjokius... sieze the teller of these jokes

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

What if people bought cars like they buy computers?

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine
if they did...

HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"

HELPLINE: "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"

CUSTOMER: "What's an ignition?"

HELPLINE: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
turns over the engine."

CUSTOMER: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all of
these technical terms just to use my car?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"

HELPLINE: "Is the gas tank empty?"

CUSTOMER: "Huh? How do I know?"

HELPLINE: "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, and
markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

CUSTOMER: "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."

HELPLINE: "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.

CUSTOMER: "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.

HELPLINE: "A 'V'?!?"

CUSTOMER: "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a 'V', followed
by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."

HELPLINE: "No, no, no sir! That's the front of the car. When you sit behind
the steering wheel, that's the panel I'm talking about."

CUSTOMER: "That steering wheel thingy-- Is that the round thing that honks
the horn?"

HELPLINE: "Yes, among other things."

CUSTOMER: "The needle's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HELPLINE: "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase
some more gasoline. You can install it yourself, or pay the vendor to
install it for you."

CUSTOMER: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have
to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything
built in!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Your cars suck!"

HELPLINE: "What's wrong?"

CUSTOMER: "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"

HELPLINE: "What were you doing?"

CUSTOMER: "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the
way to the floor. It worked for a while, and then it crashed -- and now it
won't even start up!"

HELPLINE: "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if you misuse the
product."

CUSTOMER: "Misuse it? I was just following this damned manual of yours. It
said to make the car go to put the transmission in 'D' and press the
accelerator pedal. That's exactly what I did -- now the damn thing's
crashed."

HELPLINE: "Did you read the entire operator's manual before operating the
car sir?"

CUSTOMER: "What? Of course I did! I told you I did EVERYTHING the manual
said and it didn't work!"

HELPLINE: "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't crash?"

CUSTOMER: "How do you do THAT?"

HELPLINE: "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on page 14. The
pedal next to the accelerator."

CUSTOMER: "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read this manual
you know."

HELPLINE: "Of course not. What do you expect us to do about it?"

CUSTOMER: "I want you to send me one of the latest versions that goes fast
and won't crash anymore!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
HELPLINE: "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it
has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
and power door locks."

HELPLINE: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

CUSTOMER: "How do I work it?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to drive?"

CUSTOMER: "Do I know how to what?"

HELPLINE: "Do you know how to DRIVE?"

CUSTOMER: "I'm not a technical person! I just want to go places in my car!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion

[Quoted without permission from Jun '80 Esquire]

I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He
loiters in mid-air, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to
look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per
second per second takes over.

II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of
motion the stooge's surcease.

III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes
this reaction.

IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.

V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the
crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or
the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.

VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of
altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is
common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled.
A "wacky" character has the option of self- replication only at
manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the
velocity required.

VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at
least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's
surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into
this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall
when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately
a problem of art, not of science.

VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine
lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced,
splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they
cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity,
they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies
to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the
relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

X. Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

CASTAWAY

He grabbed me round my slender neck,
I could not shout or scream,
He carried me into his room
Where we could not be seen;
He tore away my flimsy wrap
And gazed upon my form -
I was so cold and still and damp,
While he was wet and warm.
His feverish mouth he pressed to mine; I let him have his way -
He drained me of my very self,
I could not say him nay.
He made me what I am. Alas!
That's why you find me here...
A broken vessel - broken glass -
That once held Bottled Beer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:

Twelve bags of catnip!
eleven tarter Pounce treats,
ten ornaments hanging,
nine wads of Kleenex,
eight peacock feathers,
seven stolen Q-tips,
six feathered balls,
five MILK JUG RINGS!
four munchy house plants,
three running faucets,
two fuzzy mousies,
and a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

ADDENDUM to the Spring 1991 University Catalog

* Chemistry 267 lab has been canceled. Memorial services for Dr. Weiss
will be held February 4th.

* The Campus Crusade for Cthulu will NOT be offering the introductory
demon summoning class this semester due to lack of funds and available
virgins.

* Sex Ed 240 lab is full for the next 5 years, no further requests will
be granted. (Although private tutoring will be offered. For
information call 1-900-HOT-BODY. $35 the first minute, $20 each
additional minute)

* The graduate course in Home Economics will be combined with the
Anthropology Department's "Humor in American Society" forum series.

* The following courses were not included in the catalog:

o PSY 234 - Experimental Child Development. Advanced applications
of baby-in-a-bottle. PSY 234 lab is a corequisite.

o CSS 362 - Independant study in Artificial Ignorance.

o MAT 400 - Indiscrete mathematics. How to do Fourier transforms in
the nude. Simpson's rule for exhibitionist's.

o GS 835 - Post-Doctoral General Studies. How to register.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who says Germans have no sense of humour? The following is from the Big
Issue:

"One of the primary reasons cat flaps are called cat flaps is that they're
flaps specifically designed for cats, as opposed to dogs, or giraffes, or
humans. All of this became abundantly clear to teenager Jason Evans, of
Eastleigh, Hampshire, when he recently spent six hours stuck in one after
using it in an attempt to get into his house. He was eventually cut free by
firemen. In Germany, meanwhile, Gunther Burpus remained wedged in his
front-door cat flap for two days because passers-by thought he was a piece
of installation art. Mr Burpus, 41, of Bremen, was using the flap because
he had mislaid his keys. Unfortunately he was spotted by a group of student
pranksters who removed his trousers and pants, painted his bottom bright
blue, stuck a daffodil between his buttocks and erected a sign saying
'Germany Resurgent, an Essay in Street Art. Please give Generously'.
Passers-by assumed Mr Burpus' screams were part of the act and it was only
when an old woman complained to the police that he was finally freed. "I
kept calling for help," he said, "but people just said 'Very good!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF FLYING

Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on
safety. Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has
reached new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during
take-offs, flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other
marvels of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind
pilots of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of
Flight, just in case something goes wrong with any of these new- fangled
flying instruments you find in today's aircraft.

Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains
upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch
to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so,
which one.

The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because any
sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only
necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the ground.

There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly
adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.

* Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at any
time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to
keep the cat at attention.
* Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time
washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a
tight snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see
this is very unsanitary.
* Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-up cat
with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will
therefore be more dependable.
* Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the
cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to leave
without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
* Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes will
go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will
not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground
in a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in
an airplane.
* Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find
yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the
farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off
their corn fields and will shoot anything that flies.
* Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese
because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent
instrument flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you
do. If your duck heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure
you have been given the goose.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHY CATS ARE BETTER THEN MEN

Cats keep their opinions to themselves
Cat's don't criticize your mother
Cats never question how much you're eating
Cats never claim they know how to fix larger appliances
Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep
Cats are happy to let you drive
Cats always look good first thing in the morning
One good purr can be worth a thousand words
Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut
Cats love it when you go shopping
Cats never return the gifts you get them
Cats are able to keep the romance alive
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Map of the Cat's Brain

-------------------------------------------------------------
| Obsession with | Mysterious Adoration of | Barf Gland|
| Imaginary Insects | just one spot on the bed | |
------------------------------------------------------------- (should
| Search and | Inexorable | Short Circuit | | be an
| Destroy | fear of | that makes purr-| Licking | arrow
| lobe for | Vacuum | ing kitty an | Gland | between
| Expensive | Cleaners | arm-shredding |------------ licking &
| Imported |---------------| Maniac in Two | Total | barfing)
| Textiles, | Can Opener | seconds | drive to |
| Ceramics | sonar | ----------------| be where |
------------------------------| Asthmatic | they are |
| Shedding on | * | person locator | forbidden |
| vacuumed freshly |----------------------------| to go |
| surfaces cortex | Infatuation with people |-----------|
|------------------| who hate cats | Inability |
| hatred of dogs |----------------------------| to get |
|------------------| | along with|
| new cat |
* Commitment Spot (gets larger -------------
when can opener sonar is
activated)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password

By Dave Fore

10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
"CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat
II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Editor's Note: This came to me through the Feline-L list. I do not know
the author's e-mail address, but please, if you forward this, leave her
name so as to give credit where it is due.]

HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

by Peggy Althoff

1. Grasp cat firmly in your arms. Cradle its head on your elbow, just as if
you were giving baby a bottle. Coo confidently, "Thats a nice kitty." Drop
pill into its mouth.

2. Retrieve cat from top of lamp and pill from under sofa.

3. Follow same procedure as in 1, but hold cat's front paws down with left
hand and back paws down with elbow of right arm. Poke pill into its mouth
with right forefinger.

4. Retrieve cat from under bed. Get new pill from bottle. (Resist impulse
to get new cat.)

5. Again proceed as in 1, except when you have cat firmly cradled in
bottle-feeding position, sit down on edge of chair, fold your torso over
cat, bring your right hand over your left elbow, open cat's mouth by
lifting the upper jaw and pop the pill in - quickly. Since your head is
down by your knees, you won't be able to see what you're doing. That's just
as well.

6. Leave cat hanging on drapes. Leave pill in your hair.

7. If you're a woman, have a good cry. If you're a man, have a good cry.

8. Now pull yourself together. Who's the boss here anyway? Retrieve cat and
pill. Assuming position 1, say sternly, "Who's the boss here, anyway?" Open
cat's mouth, take pill and...Oooops!

9. This isn't working, is it? Collapse and think. Aha! Those flashing claws
are causing the chaos.

10. Crawl to linen closet. Drag back large beach towel. Spread towel on
floor.

11. Retrieve cat from kitchen counter and pill from potted plant.

12. Spread cat on towel near one end with its head over long edge.

13. Flatten cat's front and back legs over its stomach. (Resist impulse to
flatten cat.)

14. Roll cat in towel. Work fast; time and tabbies wait for no man - or
woman.

15. Resume position 1. Rotate your left hand to cat's head. Press its mouth
at the jaw hinges like opening the petals of a snapdragon.

16. Drop pill into cat's mouth and poke gently. Voila! It's done.

17. Vacuum up loose fur (cat's). Apply bandages to wounds (yours).

18. Take two aspirins and lie down.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rules of Etiquette for Inexperienced Cats

If you have to throw up, get into a chair quickly. If you cannot manage
this in time, get to an Oriental rug. Shag is good!

Determine quickly which guest hates cats. Sit on that lap during the
evening.

He won't dare push you off and will even call you "nice kitty." If you can
arrange to have cat food on your breath, so much the better.

For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select colors which
contrast with your own.

Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do
anything. Just sit and stare.

For guests who say, "I love kitties," be ready with aloof disdain, claws
applied to stockings or a quick nip on the ankles.

Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get one open, stand on hind legs
and hammer with forepaws. Once the door is opened for you, it is not
necessary to use it. You can change your mind. When you have ordered an
outside door opened, stand half in and half out and think about several
things. This is particularly important during very cold weather or mosquito
season.

If one person is busy and the other is idle, sit with the busy one. For
book readers, get in close under the chin, unless you can lie across the
book itself.

For ladies knitting, curl quietly into lap and pretend to dose. Then reach
out and slap knitting needles sharply. This is what she calls a dropped
stitch. She will try to distract you. Ignore it.

For people doing homework, sit on the paper being worked on. After being
removed for the second time, push anything movable off the table -- pens,
pencils, stamps -- one at a time.

Get enough sleep during the daytime so that you are fresh for playing at
night between 2 & 4 a.m.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The following is excerpted from a text used in our graduate program in
special education. Unfortunately, I only have my copy of the page, and have
lost the cite. Perhaps someone out there in the special ed field will
recognize it.............Anyway, it starts off kinda slow, but I think
you'll enjoy it.

The Cat Test

To identify emotionally disturbed individuals accurately, Algozzine,
Foster, and Kaufman (1979) developed the CAT TEST. This simple, yet novel
test is easily administered by professionals, parents, and aides. It
involves three simple steps. (1) place testee in empty room facing far
wall; (2) place cat into center of room, close and latch door; (3) after 10
minutes, open the door. Algozzine, et. al., note that the CAT TEST allows
fine discriminations between subclassifications of emotional disturbance.
They offer the following guidelines for interpretation of results.

1. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - four neat, meticulous piles of fur to be found in
the corners of room - cat alive, but cold.

2. SOCIALIZED DELINQUENT - fur scattered randomly about room and on testee
- cat alive, still cold.

3a. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (MANIC STAGE) - pieces of cat scattered randomly about
room - cat terminated.

3b. MANIC/DEPRESSIVE (DEPRESSIVE STAGE) - pieces of testee scattered
randomly about room - emotional stability of cat suspect.

4. PARANOID REACTION - testee cowering in far corner of room - cat alive
and sleeping in center of room.

5. PSYCOPATHOLOGY - only evidence of cat is skin, wrapped loosely about
testee's head - cat assumed terminated.

6. SCHIZOPHRENIC REACTION - testee in center of room carrying on long
existential discussion with cat - cat alive, but confused.

7. NEUROTIC REACTION - testee asking cat for advise about migraine headache
- cat alive and still confused.

8. CATATONIC REACTION - testee in corner of room with back arched, hair on
end, hissing and refusing to acknowledge presence of cat - cat alive,
confused, and sexually aroused.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Has anyone had to take a cat to the Vet? On public transport?

I did, and it was probably the most harrowing experience of my life except
for when I had a spectacular bowel disorder. My cat had a Sheep Tick lodged
on his head, that could not be removed, so I decided to take him to the
vet. When I had bought the cat, I'd also bought a cat basket made from
stout wicker for this very purpose.

I went to the closet and took out the basket, but Cat saw it and gave me a
cocky, head on one side, look that said, quite simply, "If you think I am
going to humiliate myself by putting my fine, furry body in that, you can
shove it up your arse, mate"

So I put the basket on the table, and picked up the cat, cooing soft,
gentle phrases that would have calmed down one of those dogs that are
banned and owned by people with their names tatooed on their foreheads in
mirror writing. Cat started to purr, albeit suspiciously. However, as soon
as I got him near the door of the basket, his limbs shot so wide that he
was clawing at both sides of the room simultaneously. There followed two
minutes of what seemed like fighting with an angry furry octopus with more
claws than Geronimo's necklace and the temper of Don King with his german
helmet caught in his fly.

"Come on, puss, go in"

"Meow"

"Please...ouch"

"Hiss....snarl"

"Get in you fat fucking furry fucker"

"Meeoooow...growl..."

etc..etc..

Eventually I succeeded, because I am over 6 feet and 200 pounds. But I had
been scratched so much that I looked like I'd had Freddy Krueger round for
tea and angered him with a comment about his mother's facial hair. So, I
took him to the bus stop and waited in the queue. Cat sat with his paws
folded with an expression of loathing disgust, planning his ultimate
revenge.... We got on the bus and sat down. It was the usual group of
afternoon, off-peak passengers; Old ladies because they could travel for
free and spotty adolescents going to burgle houses. For the first few
minutes, Cat kept quiet, shuffling about a little, and licking his bottom.
Then it started.

"meow..."

"Meowwwww..."

"M E E O O W....WOOOOOOO....WOWOWOWO.....MEEEEEEEOOOWW...grrrrroowwwwlll"

The old lady next to me was rather startled. I think she thought it was an
Air-Raid siren, and she started mumbling "Old Fritz is at it again and my
Arthur was never the same after they shot one of his balls off" But it soon
became apparent to everyone on the bus that it was Cat who was making the
racket. Spotty kid at the back took his Walkman headphones off.

Then came the bombshell. It started as the faintest whiff - the merest
zephyr of cat shite wafting up my nose. It's worth pondering for a moment
what goes on in a cats devilish insides. Consider what goes in at the front
end. Certain brands of cat food in the UK have recently been classified as
"fit for human consumption". But if I came home after a hard day at the
office and found a tin of that laid out for my dinner there would be a
great deal of shouting and a trip to the lawyer's. Cat food is vile. There
is a common bond that is shared across humanity - everyone in the whole
world, when opening a tin of cat food before breakfast shouts "Oh Jesus
Fucking Christ" when they get a whiff of it. Even Arabs. So, considering
the material a cat has to work with, coupled with a set of bile organs
developed by Lucifer himself, you can understand why I was sitting on a bus
surrounded by people looking like they were entrants in a Face Pulling &
Pointing competition. And then came the urine.

Yokshire, in North England (where I live) has recently suffered a drought.
In an attempt to resolve the situation, Yorkshire Water Limited had to
draft in hundreds of water tankers to top up the depleted resevoirs. They
needn't have bothered. All they had to do was couple a pipeline to my cat's
wang, erect a sizable distilling facility and provide gas masks to the
local residents. I have never seen as much urine come from a living being.
I've giggled at horses relieving themselves in fields, and I've seen an
elephant taking an impressive leak in a TV programme. But they are
insignificant compared to the amount of fluid that a cat can hold when it's
angry. Steven Hawking alone can contemplate the multi-dimensionality that
allows my 16 pound cat to store gallons of water in its zeppelin of a
bladder.

Of course, wicker baskets do not hermetically seal.

So the fluid ran straight on to my trousers. My khaki, summer trousers. The
crotch of my trousers. It was way before my stop, but I just had to get off
the bus because people were starting to threaten me between retches. I
walked down the aisle, dripping with wee, holding a caterwauling ball of
furry anger in a basket.

I had to walk about a mile to the Vet's, with people looking straight at
the dark, damp patch that was my crotch. It was very difficult to retain my
dignity. When I got to the Vet's, the man took one look at the cat, whipped
out some tweezers and had the Tick removed in an instant. Presenting me
with a bill that was large enough to buy food for a platoon of hungry
soldiers with tapeworms, he said "You could have removed that at home - you
needn't have made the effort to come all the way here".

The next thing he said was "Ouch - there's no need for th...", followed by
"Oh Jesus, my plums", and rounding off with "That bill has got to be paid
-- it's no good wiping your crotch with it".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

by Bud Herron

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves
clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva
that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt where it hides and
whisks it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary - the
kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that
cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must look
squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and
announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice
you might consider as you place your feline friend under you arm and head
for the bathtub:

* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of
concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him
in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors
as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will
not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin
from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how
to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into
high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.

* Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying
on your back in the water.

* Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to
simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a
rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product- testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a
single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub
enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds
of your life. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy
fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on
to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have
him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo
and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the
water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is -- for
cats -- three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this
part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.
You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and
wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top
of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to
shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the
water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach
down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He
will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot
of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic
and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As
a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure
you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now
he smells a lot better. California State University, Long Beach, Library

,/| _.--''^``-...___.._.,;
/, \'. _-' ,--,,,--'''
{ \ `_-'' ' /}
`;;' ; ; ;
._..--'' ._,,, _..' .;.'
(,_....----''' (,..--''

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nuts
Subject: Cats' Top Ten Songs
From: APUCORLE@IDBSU.BITNET
Date: Thu, 10 Dec 1992 08:53:11 MST

Cats' Top Ten Favorite Christmas Songs:

10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The College Food Chain

I found this on a wall at Iowa State University.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DEAN
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God

THE DEPARTMENT HEAD
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if sea is calm
Talks with God

PROFESSOR
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if a special request is honored

ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
Barely clears a quonset hut
Loses tug of war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God

ASSISTANT PROFESSOR
Makes high marks on the walls when trying to leap tall buildings
Is run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Treads water
Talks to animals

INSTRUCTOR
Climbs walls continually
Rides the rails
Plays russian roulette
Walks on thin ice
Prays a lot

GRADUATE STUDENT
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls

UNDERGRADUATE STUDENT
Falls over doorstep when trying to enter buildings
Says "Look at the choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself

THE DEPARTMENTAL SECRETARY
Picks up tall buildings and walks under them
Knocks locomotives off track when sneezes
Catches speeding bullets in teeth for fun
Parts large bodies of water
Is God
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: C Compiler Errors (For Real).
Keywords: computer, chuckle
Date: 7 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT

These are some of the error messages produced by Apple's MPW C compiler.
These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and
decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in
size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I'm not sure where I stand on the
copyright issue.

Tony Cunningham

"String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that's 3 more than
ANSI said I should)"

"...And the lord said, 'lo, there shall only be case or default labels
inside a switch statement'"

"a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your
program"

"'Volatile' and 'Register' are not miscible"

"You can't modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS,
or satisfy this compiler"

"This struct already has a perfectly good definition"

"This onion already has a perfectly good definition"

"type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know
you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)"

"Can't cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so,
that's why)"

"Huh ?"

"can't go mucking with a 'void *'"

"we already did this function"

"This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing
this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND
your window wasn't wide enough to read this whole error message"

"Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious"

"Too many errors on one line (make fewer)"

"Symbol table full - fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from
your local Apple dealer"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two new elements have been discovered.

< > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < > < >
Element : WOMAN
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : 120 (more or less)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may
freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used
well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Possesses strong affinity to gold,
silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amount of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed beside
a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for disintegration of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Element : MAN
Symbol : XY
Common Name(s) : Varies anywhere from John to !@#$&*!
Atomic Weight : 180+/-100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of
shape. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as
young, fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempt to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also,
tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with
Kd (element Kid) for a prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating
with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins
to smell.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE ETIOLOGY & TREATMENT OF CHILDHOOD

Jordan W. Smoller, University of Pennsylvania

Childhood is a syndrome which has only recently begun to receive serious
attention from clinicians. The syndrome itself, however, is not at all
recent. As early as the 8th century, the Persian historian Kidnom made
references to "short, noisy creatures," who may well have been what we now
call "children." The treatment of children, however, was unknown until this
century, when so-called "child psychologists" and "child psychiatrists"
became common. Despite this history of clinical neglect, it has been
estimated that well over half of all Americans alive today have experienced
childhood directly (Suess, 1983). In fact, the actual numbers are probably
much higher, since these data are based on self-reports which may be
subject to social desirability biases and retrospective distortion.

The growing acceptance of childhood as a distinct phenomenon is reflected
in the proposed inclusion of the syndrome in the upcoming Diagnostic and
Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, or DSM-IV, of the
American Psychiatric Association (1990). Clinicians are still in
disagreement about the significant clinical features of childhood, but the
proposed DSM-IV will almost certainly include the following core features:

* Congenital onset
* Dwarfism
* Emotional lability and immaturity
* Knowledge deficits
* Legume anorexia

Clinical Features of Childhood:

Although the focus of this paper is on the efficacy of conventional
treatment of childhood, the five clinical markers mentioned above merit
further discussion for those unfamiliar with this patient population.

CONGENITAL ONSET

In one of the few existing literature reviews on childhood, Temple- Black
(1982) has noted that childhood is almost always present at birth, although
it may go undetected for years or even remain subclinical indefinitely.
This observation has led some investigators to speculate on a biological
contribution to childhood. As one psychologist has put it, "we may soon be
in a position to distinguish organic childhood from functional childhood"
(Rogers, 1979).

DWARFISM

This is certainly the most familiar marker of childhood. It is widely known
that children are physically short relative to the population at large.
Indeed, common clinical wisdom suggests that the treatment of the so-called
"small child" (or "tot") is particularly difficult. These children are
known to exhibit infantile behavior and display a startling lack of insight
(Tom and Jerry, 1967).

EMOTIONAL LABILITY AND IMMATURITY

This aspect of childhood is often the only basis for a clinician's
diagnosis. As a result, many otherwise normal adults are misdiagnosed as
children and must suffer the unnecessary social stigma of being labelled a
"child" by professionals and friends alike.

KNOWLEDGE DEFICITS

While many children have IQ's with or even above the norm, almost all will
manifest knowledge deficits. Anyone who has known a real child has
experienced the frustration of trying to discuss any topic that requires
some general knowledge. Children seem to have little knowledge about the
world they live in. Politics, art, and science -- children are largely
ignorant of these. Perhaps it is because of this ignorance, but the sad
fact is that most children have few friends who are not, themselves,
children.

LEGUME ANOREXIA

This last identifying feature is perhaps the most unexpected. Folk wisdom
is supported by empirical observation -- children will rarely eat their
vegetables (see Popeye, 1957, for review).

Causes of Childhood:

Now that we know what it is, what can we say about the causes of childhood?
Recent years have seen a flurry of theory and speculation from a number of
perspectives. Some of the most prominent are reviewed below.

Sociological Model

Emile Durkind was perhaps the first to speculate about sociological causes
of childhood. He points out two key observations about children:

1) the vast majority of children are unemployed, and
2) children represent one of the least educated segments of our society.

In fact, it has been estimated that less than 20% of children have had more
than fourth grade education.

Clearly, children are an "out-group." Because of their intellectual
handicap, children are even denied the right to vote. From the
sociologist's perspective, treatment should be aimed at helping assimilate
children into mainstream society. Unfortunately, some victims are so
incapacitated by their childhood that they are simply not competent to
work. One promising rehabilitation program (Spanky and Alfalfa, 1978) has
trained victims of severe childhood to sell lemonade.

Biological Model

The observation that childhood is usually present from birth has led some
to speculate on a biological contribution. An early investigation by
Flintstone and Jetson (1939) indicated that childhood runs in families.
Their survey of over 8,000 American families revealed that over half
contained more than one child. Further investigation revealed that even
most non-child family members had experienced childhood at some point.
Cross-cultural studies (e.g., Mowgli & Din, 1950) indicate that family
childhood is even more prevalent in the Far East. For example, in Indian
and Chinese families, as many as three out of four family members may have
childhood.

Impressive evidence of a genetic component of childhood comes from a
large-scale twin study by Brady and Partridge (1972). These authors studied
over 106 pairs of twins, looking at concordance rates for childhood. Among
identical or monozygotic twins, concordance was unusually high (0.92),
i.e., when one twin was diagnosed with childhood, the other twin was almost
always a child as well.

Psychological Models

A considerable number of psychologically-based theories of the development
of childhood exist. They are too numerous to review here. Among the more
familiar models are Seligman's "learned childishness" model. According to
this model, individuals who are treated like children eventually give up
and become children. As a counterpoint to such theories, some experts have
claimed that childhood does not really exist. Szasz (1980) has called
"childhood" an expedient label. In seeking conformity, we handicap those
whom we find unruly or too short to deal with by labelling them "children."

Treatment of Childhood:

Efforts to treat childhood are as old as the syndrome itself. Only in
modern times, however, have humane and systematic treatment protocols been
applied. In part, this increased attention to the problem may be due to the
sheer number of individuals suffering from childhood. Government statistics
(DHHS) reveal that there are more children alive today than at any time in
our history. To paraphrase P.T. Barnum: "There's a child born every
minute."

The overwhelming number of children has made government intervention
inevitable. The nineteenth century saw the institution of what remains the
largest single program for the treatment of childhood -- so-called "public
schools." Under this colossal program, individuals are placed into
treatment groups based on the severity of their condition. For example,
those most severely afflicted may be placed in a "kindergarten" program.
Patients at this level are typically short, unruly, emotionally
immature,and intellectually deficient. Given this type of individual,
therapy is essentially one of patient management and of helping the child
master basic skills (e.g. finger-painting).

Unfortunately, the "school" system has been largely ineffective. Not only
is the program a massive tax burden, but it has failed even to slow down
the rising incidence of childhood.

Faced with this failure and the growing epidemic of childhood, mental
health professionals are devoting increasing attention to the treatment of
childhood. Given a theoretical framework by Freud's landmark treatises on
childhood, child psychiatrists and psychologists claimed great successes in
their clinical interventions.

By the 1950's, however, the clinicians' optimism had waned. Even after
years of costly analysis, many victims remained children. The following
case (taken from Gumbie & Poke, 1957) is typical.

Billy J., age 8, was brought to treatment by his parents. Billy's
affliction was painfully obvious. He stood only 4'3" high and
weighed a scant 70 lbs., despite the fact that he ate
voraciously. Billy presented a variety of troubling symptoms. His
voice was noticeably high for a man. He displayed legume
anorexia, and, according to his parents, often refused to bathe.
His intellectual functioning was also below normal -- he had
little general knowledge and could barely write a structured
sentence. Social skills were also deficient. He often spoke
inappropriately and exhibited "whining behaviour." His sexual
experience was non-existent. Indeed, Billy considered women
"icky." His parents reported that his condition had been present
from birth, improving gradually after he was placed in a school
at age 5. The diagnosis was "primary childhood." After years of
painstaking treatment, Billy improved gradually. At age 11, his
height and weight have increased, his social skills are broader,
and he is now functional enough to hold down a "paper route."

After years of this kind of frustration, startling new evidence has come to
light which suggests that the prognosis in cases of childhood may not be
all gloom. A critical review by Fudd (1972) noted that studies of the
childhood syndrome tend to lack careful follow-up. Acting on this
observation, Moe, Larrie, and Kirly (1974) began a large-scale longitudinal
study. These investigators studied two groups. The first group consisted of
34 children currently engaged in a long-term conventional treatment
program. The second was a group of 42 children receiving no treatment. All
subjects had been diagnosed as children at least 4 years previously, with a
mean duration of childhood of 6.4 years.

At the end of one year, the results confirmed the clinical wisdom that
childhood is a refractory disorder -- virtually all symptoms persisted and
the treatment group was only slightly better off than the controls.

The results, however, of a careful 10-year follow-up were startling. The
investigators (Moe, Larrie, Kirly , & Shemp, 1984) assessed the original
cohort on a variety of measures. General knowledge and emotional maturity
were assessed with standard measures. Height was assessed by the "metric
system" (see Ruler, 1923), and legume appetite by the Vegetable Appetite
Test (VAT) designed by Popeye (1968). Moe et al. found that subjects
improved uniformly on all measures. Indeed, in most cases, the subjects
appeared to be symptom-free. Moe et al. report a spontaneous remission rate
of 95%, a finding which is certain to revolutionize the clinical approach
to childhood.

These recent results suggests that the prognosis for victims of childhood
may not be so bad as we have feared. We must not, however, become too
complacent. Despite its apparently high spontaneous remission rate,
childhood remains one of the most serious and rapidly growing disorders
facing mental health professional today. And, beyond the psychological pain
it brings, childhood has recently been linked to a number of physical
disorders. Twenty years ago, Howdi, Doodi, and Beauzeau (1965) demonstrated
a six-fold increased risk of chicken pox, measles, and mumps among children
as compared with normal controls. Later, Barby and Kenn (1971) linked
childhood to an elevated risk of accidents -- compared with normal adults,
victims of childhood were much more likely to scrape their knees, lose
their teeth, and fall off their bikes. Clearly, much more research is
needed before we can give any real hope to the millions of victims wracked
by this insidious disorder.

REFERENCES

* American Psychiatric Association (1990). The diagnostic and
statistical manual of mental disorders, 4th edition: A preliminary
report. Washington, D.C.; APA.
* Barby, B., & Kenn, K. (1971). The plasticity of behaviour. In B.
* Barby & K. Kenn (Eds.), Psychotherapies R Us. Detroit: Ronco press.
* Brady, C., & Partridge, S. (1972). My dads bigger than your dad. Acta
Eur. Age, 9, 123-126.
* Flintstone, F., & Jetson, G. (1939). Cognitive mediation of labour
disputes. Industrial Psychology Today, 2, 23-35.
* Fudd, E.J. (1972). Locus of control and shoe-size. Journal of Footwear
Psychology, 78, 345-356.
* Gumbie, G., & Pokey, P. (1957). A cognitive theory of iron-smelting.
Journal of Abnormal Metallurgy, 45, 235-239.
* Howdi, C., Doodi, C., & Beauzeau, C. (1965). Western civilization: A
review of the literature. Reader's digest, 60, 23-25.
* Moe, R., Larrie, T., & Kirly, Q. (1974). State childhood vs. trait
childhood. TV guide, May 12-19, 1-3.
* Moe, R., Larrie, T., Kirly, Q., & Shemp, C. (1984). Spontaneous
remission of childhood In W.C. Fields (Ed.), New hope for children and
animals. Hollywood: Acme Press.
* Popeye, T.S.M. (1957). The use of spinach in extreme circumstances.
Journal of Vegetable Science, 58, 530-538.
* Popeye, T.S.M. (1968). Spinach: A phenomenological perspective.
Existential botany, 35, 908-813.
* Rogers, F. (1979). Becoming my neighbour. New York:Soft press.
* Ruler, Y. (1923). Assessing measurements protocols by the multi-method
multiple regression index for the psychometric analysis of factorial
interaction. Annals of Boredom, 67, 1190-1260.
* Spanky, D., & Alfalfa, Q. (1978). Coping with puberty. Sears
catalogue, 45-46.
* Suess, D.R. (1983). A psychometric analysis of green eggs with and
without ham. Journal of clinical cuisine, 245, 567-578.
* Temple-Black, S. (1982). Childhood: an ever-so sad disorder. Journal
of precocity, 3, 129-134.
* Tom, C., & Jerry, M. (1967). Human behaviour as a model for
understanding the rat. In M. de Sade (Ed.). The rewards of Punishment.
Paris:Bench press.

FURTHER READINGS

* Christ, J.H. (1980). Grandiosity in children. Journal of applied
theology, 1, 1-1000.
* Joe, G.I. (1965). Aggressive fantasy as wish fulfilment. Archives of
General MacArthur, 5, 23-45.
* Leary, T. (1969). Pharmacotherapy for childhood. Annals of
astrological Science, 67, 456-459.
* Kissoff, K.G.B. (1975). Extinction of learnt behaviour. Paper
presented to the Siberian Psychological Association, 38th annual
Annual meeting, Kamchatka.
* Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1979). Behaviour therapy prevents tooth
decay. Journal of behavioral Orthodontics, 5, 79-89.
* Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1980). A failure to replicate the results of
Smythe and Barnes. Journal of dental psychiatry, 34, 678-680.
* Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1980). Your study was poorly done: A reply
to Potash and Hoser. Annual review of Aquatic psychiatry, 10, 123-156.
* Potash, S., & Hoser, B. (1981). Your mother wears army boots: A
further reply to Smythe and Barnes. Archives of invective research,
56, 5-9.
* Smythe, C., & Barnes, T. (1982). Embarrassing moments in the sex lives
of Potash and Hoser: A further reply. National Enquirer, May 16.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to Science and Medicine

Back to Tina's Humor Archives main page

Newsgroups: bit.listserv.folklore
Subject: TWISTED TUNES
From: WATPOD44@ADMIN.CARLETON.CA
Date: Tue, 30 Jan 90 13:22:58 EST

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Frostbite chewing on your nose.
Yuletide carollers being thrown on a fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes

Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right.
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh (slay?)
And every mother's child is gonna spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die.

And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from 1 to 92.
Although it's been said many times, many ways;
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, **** YOU!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Cobol, oh Cobol
Date: 4 Jun 90 10:30:05 GMT
Keywords: computer, original, smirk

Dear Friends,

There are many people, who, for no fault of their own, are forced to write
in COBOL. Whereas some of us work out 2 plus 2 by saying "PRINT 2+2" or
something equally laconic (indeed the older ones amongst us can actually do
such calculations in our heads), COBOL sufferers have to say "ADD 2 TO 2
GIVING THE ANSWER, PLEASE, NICE MR COMPUTER, AND SEND ME A MEMO ABOUT IT IN
TIME FOR THE BOARD MEETING"

So what can we do for these people? One answer is therapy. Here is a
typical case study of a sufferer locked away in solitary confinement with
nothing but IBM manuals to keep him company.

Day 1: Subject persistently screaming for Oxford English Dictionary (20-odd
volumes). Gnawed three of his toes off when this request denied.

Day 2: Subject very subdued, and starts compiling his own dictionary from
bits of bed linen and stale soup.

Day 3: Subject befriends a wasp in the cell, and starts asking it to add
two and two.

Day 4: First breakthrough. Subject reads IBM manual.

Day 5: Subject complains that his bed needs emergency engineering.

Day 6: Subject tears up his dictionary and starts listing abend codes.

Day 7: Success. Subject says "ICH 9000I Good morning" when his warder
brings him a bowl of porridge.

... as you can see, there is some way to go before a complete cure can be
guaranteed.

Meanwhile send lots of money to me. This is nothing to do with the
campaign, I just want some money.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Letter from College
Keywords: smirk
Date: 28 Jul 91 23:30:04 GMT

My mother sent this form letter to me when I was having a really bad time
with my thesis. I don't know where it came from, she says it was already
ancient when SHE went to school...

Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss
in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written
before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit
down. You are not to read any further unless you are sitting down...
Okay???

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it
caught fire shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only
spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only
get three headaches a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at the gas station near the dorm and he was the one who called
the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital,
and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind
enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement
room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen
deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the
same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The
reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor
infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests and I
carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin
injections I am now taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and
although not well educated, he is ambtious. Although he is of a different
race and religion than ours, I know you expressed tolerence will not permit
you to be bothered by the fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than
ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good,
too for I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in the village
in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not
in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphillis and there is no schwartze in my life..... However, I am getting a
"D" in History and an "F" in Science.... and I wanted you to see these
marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEMORANDUM

From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers

Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is
an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and
have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and
inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the
day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the
comet.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEMORANDUM

From: General Manager
To: Managers

By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's
Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work
and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a
phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEMORANDUM

From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs

By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn,
the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which
occurs only every 75 years.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEMORANDUM

From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs

Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If
it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us
all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

MEMORANDUM

From: Section Chief
To: All EA's

When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal
75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before
all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Useful Computer Acronyms

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN: It Still Does Nothing
APPLE: Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
SCSI: System Can't See It
DOS: Defunct Operating System
BASIC: Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM: I Blame Microsoft
DEC: Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM: Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2: Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW: World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH: Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

(Taken from an actual Compaq ad in a British magazine.)

Compaq Wishes To Apologize For This Advertisement.

In particular, we wish to apologize for the headline. We suggest you skip
it and go straight to the rest of the ad, after which you should simply
FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. If you haven't got time to read the ad, SIMPLY
FILL IN AND POST THE COUPON. On your way to POST THE COUPON you may pass a
COMPAQ dealer in which case simply GO IN AND BUY A COMPAQ. This will save
you the price of a stamp.

HOW TO PROVE THAT COMPAQ RUNS 30% FASTER THAN IBM. Buy two greyhounds, name
one COMPAQ and the other IBM. Feed COMPAQ on lean steak and IBM on old
socks stuffed with rabbit droppings. After a month, enter both in the 3.30
at Hackney and you will notice that Compaq runs at least 30% faster than
IBM. Of course, this test is totally unfair and one-sided, but gives the
same result as racing the computers in your office.

PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST NASTY ACCIDENTS. (Picture of statue w/o arms or
legs is shown at left.) This is what happens to computer operators who lose
all the data on an important disk. Protect yourself with a built-in tape
back-up safety system. Too bad if you own an IBM or some other make, only
COMPAQ computers have them.

SIN IN STYLE -- SOFTWEAR WORLD. Sorry. Wrong. Terribly sorry. Sorry to
disappoint those of you who were hoping for something titillating, but this
whole section is in fact the result of a silly spelling mistake. Instead of
softwear, please read software. Then reach for any IBM catalogue, in which
you will find listed thousands of programs you can run on COMPAQ computers.
So sorry.

WHAT PERCENTAGE OF IBM SOFTWARE WILL RUN ON A COMPAQ? By sheer coincidence,
this is the same percentage of waiters in Indian restaurants who hail from
the small Bangladeshi town of Sylhet. Nearly 100%. For further details and
first-class lamb dhansak, ring 01-836 9787.

BYTES OF RAM. The compaq deskpro 286 offers 8.2 megabytes of RAM. IBM's PC
AT can only manage a 3 megabyte nibble. Cheez, even our carry-away Portable
does 2.6 megabytes.

THE COMPAQ DUAL_MODE MONITOR. At last, a monitor lizard that can display
both high resolution text and high resolution graphics on one screen. IBM's
(and all their spawn) need separate iguanas for text and graphics. More
details from our sales reptiles. Contact them on 01-940 8860.

SIMPLE ANT MATHS: LESSON 1. Let one ant equal one byte of information.
COMPAQ's built-in mass storage can hold 70,000,000 of the little blighters,
(30,000,000 more than IBM can). Now calculate how many ants are needed to
fill the great pyramid of Giza.

FILL IN THIS COUPON NOW.

______________________________________________________________________
| |
| TO: COMPAQ Computer Ltd., Freepost, Richmond, Surrey, TW91BR. |
| I understand that COMPAQ computers run IBM software 30% faster, are |
| more powerful with more storage, a unique tape backup system and dual|
| mode monitor, but frankly I can't believe COMPAQ's are this good, |
| otherwise why isn't everyone using them except come to think of it |
| COMPAQ is already No. 2 in the States but then the Yanks are a funny |
| bunch I mean they eat raw steak for breakfast and they've all got |
| absurd names like Chuck and Waldo of course everyone's always |
| knocking America but where would we be without the Harvey Wallbanger |
| so rush me more details of your marvelous computers. |
| |
| Name _______________________________________________________________ |
| Company_____________________________________________________________ |
| Inside Leg_________________ Favourite Singer_______________________ |
| Address_____________________________________________________________ |
| |
| AMAZING FREE OFFER. We'll give you a COMPAQ DESKPRO 286 ABSOLUTELY |
| FREE when you give us 3,694.99 pounds. |
| |
| ( ) tick here for FREE death watch beetle. |
|______________________________________________________________________|

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN ON THE COMPUTER TOO LONG WHEN...

...when asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

...when you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

...you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

...your wife says "If you don't turn off that damn machine and come to bed,
then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the
"else" clause.

...you try to sleep, and think:
sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /

...you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next
page.

...after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and
start dialing an IP number...

...you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you
want.

...not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but
you remember your network address faster than your postal one.

...you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.

...you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math
in octal.

...you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.

To understand recursion, we must first understand recursion.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

50 WAYS TO CONFUSE, WORRY, OR JUST SCARE THE BEJEEZUS OUT OF PEOPLE IN THE
COMPUTER LAB

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream
"Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.

2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look
suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.

3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that
you can't get the damn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5
minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.

4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you
evilly.

5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different
screen than the one it's set up with.

6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the
highest volume possible over and over again.

7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something
on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.

8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret
Pentagon files.

9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.

10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.

11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say
"Just in case..." mysteriously.

12. Type on the computer for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes
at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.

13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're
crazy while typing.

14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.

15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone
agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."

16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray
"Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.

17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"

18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps
if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).

19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by
hitting the keys with the straw.

20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion
Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.

21. Draw a picture of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your
monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly
that women (men) are worthless.

22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disc drive, when it
doesn't work, get the supervisor.

23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the
smiling Apple face is when you turn on one of those.

24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done
(two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.

25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing
this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.

26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to
you. Grind some more. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the
person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far
more effective to let them linger.

27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut
them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.

28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your
desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.

29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place
them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them
around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of
cotton on plastic.

30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like
this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working
conditions.

31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and
continue working.

32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.

33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B
key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write
an entire paper this way.

34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.

35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me,
mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.

36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.

37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the
old ways are best.

38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.

39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you
see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill
isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete
key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does
*your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar
on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your
neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been
hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!"
Print out your document and leave.

40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and
complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some
Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is
drooling.)

41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst
out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your
stuff and leave, howling as you go.

42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate
hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap
back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" Peek up from under the table, walk back to
the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to
type again.

43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.

44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them
like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to
figure out you're a total stranger.

45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects.
Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.

46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead
doesn't work.

47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of
flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh
happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this
after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard.
Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.

48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly
sit down and begin to type.

49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw,
rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me
that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".

50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not entirely sure I want to claim credit for this, but I did write it,
so what the hell.

--Tina Mancuso (tmancuso@drew.edu)

Top ten reasons why computers are better than boy/girlfriends:

10. You can turn them off when you're done with them.
9. They never say, "You can't login tonight, I have a headache."
8. You can tell them anything, and they will always listen.
7. You can program them to give you the answers you want to hear.
6. They are never too tired.
5. If you come home at 3am, they don't ask where you've been.
4. They don't hog the bed and steal all the covers.
3. They don't eat (unless you count disks).
2. They remember everything you want them to remember, and forget
everything you want them to forget.
1. They never complain that you don't take them anywhere.

Top ten reasons why boyfriends/girlfriends are better than computers:

10. You don't need a password to get in.
9. They won't shut down if there's a power outage.
8. It's difficult to take a computer to bed.
7. The Aide Station never gets calls asking for advice on someone's love
life.
6. A computer won't laugh at your jokes.
5. You might get a few strange looks if you bring a computer to a drive-in
movie. (Do they still HAVE those?)
4. When you use bad grammar on a computer, you get all sorts of nasty
messages (Note: this could also hold true for boy/girl- friends if one
happens to be an English major, but not generally).
3. Computers don't give back-rubs.
2. You can't put your freezing feet on a computer's leg to warm them up.
[Well, you could, but: 1) they wouldn't get very warm, and 2) you wouldn't
have the pleasure of hearing the computer shriek].
1. You can't have sex with a computer. [Again, I suppose you could, but it
might be dangerous...]
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: [comp.sys.mac.misc,...] COMPUTER MODEL NAMES WE'LL NEVER SEE
Date: 2 Aug 1995 00:21:07 -0400
From: dsf3g@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU (David Salvador Flores)

JFR wrote:
><> Not even taking into account the fact that "viri" is not the recognised

[deletia]
>That virii thing sounds like a new mac model (the virii 130LC ?).

Geez, I sure hope Apple desn't hire you to do marketing. Can you imagine a
worse name for a computer than the "Apple Virus 130LC."

Here are a few I've tried to come up with:

* The DEC Dataloss 300SE
* The Compaq Lockup 90
* The Gateway HeavyWeight LC, Ultralite Notebok PC
* The IBM HAL 9000
* Il Olivetti Obsoletto DX
* The Dell Why not just admit that you're blowing $3700 on this thing
just to play _Navy Fighters_ in hi-res, Pentium LXI.*

*included free with purchase: Broderbund's _Honey I can explain_, an
exciting new CD ROM adventure game in which Gerry Gadget Freak tries to
justify his newest computer purchase to his wife. Guide Gerry through many
a spine tingling adventure as he tries to save his crumbling marriage. But
hurry the clock's ticking!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: IN%"ljohanne@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu" "Leila J Johannesen"
23-MAY-1993 16:15:12.42
Subj: tongue in cheek poem

Dear Systers,

Here's something I composed in a fit of idleness. (It was somewhat inspired
by the M.G. affair.)

Enjoy,
LJ

Macho Musings or `Some Men Just Don't Get It'

Well, well, they've gone and hired someone new.
And it's a ``she''! Why?--there weren't too few!
Is she the new secretary or clerk?
No?! She's a colleague with whom I must work!?

Well then, I must pose the bold question: can she compute?
Her degree says yes but frankly, I beg to dispute;
They may have given it to her for being a maid,
Or because of connections, or someone she (-er-) paid.

It's up to me to put her in her place.
Should I embarrass her, make her lose face?
No, I'm too kind, I'll ask something facile--
Something that no man would find a great hassle.

``Oh miss, yes you, please be a dear, and write me some code;
It shouldn't take much of your time or be a great load.
Basic will do; I take it you've used it before?
You can't be doing much yet, so do me this chore.''

``Jane is the name, and I've got lots to do.''
Then she smiles, and says, ``I've heard about you.
Here, review this code and come back at four.''
Then she asks me to leave and slams the door!

Hysterical, I tell you, just like all the rest.
But we're supposed to put up with them and do our best.
Favors and special treatment is what she expects!
What a ridiculous system to hire this sex!

Now what is this bundle she's given me?
It looks vaguely familiar, let me see...
It's the old project I didn't complete--
And she's actually accomplished this feat?!

Yes, this is her work; how strange-- I feel rage
as well as admiration for the sage.
How long but yet elegant... this is art.
I am Salieri, and she is Mozart.

This is too much for my masculine brain to take--
I sense her womanly aspect must be a fake!
This means only one thing-- and only one it can,
That deep down inside, this Jane-- is really a man!

(Copyright 1993 Johannesen)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Top 11 Signs Your Computer is Possessed

11. Instead of flying appliances, your screen saver shows horned demons
torturing your immediate family.

10. The monitor spins and spews pea soup when you access the Vatican
website.

9. Bill Gates Screen Saver eyes follow your every move.

8. Keeps throwing priests out of Windows.

7. Hard disk crashes every time Pat Robertson e-mails you.

6. Green slime oozing out of keyboard again and your kid hasn't used it in
weeks.

5. Tech support crew brings Norton Utilities and a crucifix.

4. The little logo on it says: "Satan Inside."

3. No matter what URL you type in, your browser opens up the www.hell.com
web site.

2. Dr. Watson replaced by Dr. Kervorkian.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Computer is Possessed...

1. Contrary to the startup screen, you're fairly certain Microsoft hasn't
released Windows666 yet.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

25 Ways To Confuse Your Professors:

1. Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you
have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing,
spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your
actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far away
from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out
things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor
advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because
you're scouting the room for "assassins."

3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear
your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets
and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into
class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button
and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.

4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get
him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar
your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop
writing down all these lies!"

5. Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a
seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.

6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks, papers,
or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter how small
it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a panic.
Don't return for the rest of class.

7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through
class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit
down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair. Throughout
class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill me!" Get
up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking. Instead,
fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back up. When
class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into class,
release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting
in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11. Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the
cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments,
shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and
become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily
and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room
after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed
me AGAIN...."

12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.

14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get your
professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol, scream,
and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary, huh?"

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class until
he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are going
to arrive.

16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or
"Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the
paintings to your professor as gifts.

17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.

19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building
until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and
throw it through the window.

20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up
a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and
perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is
"very inspiring."

21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor that
you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax during
class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it comes time
to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish I had a
banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade, angrily
fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on
the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and
write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and
turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire
class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.

24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to
them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
"You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other people
in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have frequent
discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in what you're
discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you, act annoyed
and motion for him/her to quiet down.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: bit.listserv.nuts
Subject: Courtroom bloopers...
From: BOB POOL (radapool@UBE.UB.UMD.EDU)
Date: Tue, 8 Sep 1992 11:23:36 EDT

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'

by Richard Lederer

Most language is spoken language, and most words, once they are uttered,
vanish forever into the air. But such is not the case with language spoken
during courtroom trials, for there exists an army of courtroom reporters
whose job it is to take down and preserve every statement made during the
proceedings.

Mary Louise Gilman, the venerable editor of the National Shorthand Reporter
has collected many of the more hilarious courtroom bloopers in two books -
Humor in the Court (1977) and More Humor in the Court, published a few
months ago. From Mrs. Gilman's two volumes, here are some of my favorite
transquips, all recorded by America's keepers of the word:

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his
first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and
pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first
name!

Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.

Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.

Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.

Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr.
Cherney, and said he was really good.

Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you committed suicide?
A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the defendant?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?

Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

THE COURT: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.

Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.

Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able,
for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone
also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the
station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.

Before we recess, let's listen to one last exchange involving a child:

Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do
you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
More courtroom funnies:

Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.

Q: You say you're innocent, yet five people swore they saw you steal a
watch.
A: Your Honor, I can produce 500 people who didn't see me steal it.

Q: At the time you first saw Dr. McCarty, had you ever seen him prior to
that time?

JUDGE: I rarely do so, but for whatever purpose it may serve, I will
indicate for the record that I approached this case with a completely open
mind.

Q: Did the lady standing the driveway subsequently identify herself to you?
A: Yes, she did.
Q: Who did she say she was?
A: She said she was the owner of the dog's wife.

Q: I understand you're Bernie Davis's mother.
A: Yes.
Q: How long have you known him?

Q: Now, I'm going to show you what has been marked as State's Exhibit No. 2
and ask if you recognize the picture?
A: John Fletcher.
Q: That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?

Q: Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to
impact.
A: Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the
immediate end of my right leg.

> Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most
cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until
the next morning?

Q: Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: How long have you been a French Canadian?

Q: Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q: So you were gone until you returned?

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid
question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the
next question."

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes
Q: How many were boys?
A: None
Q: Were there girls?

Q: You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but
can you describe it?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr.
Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. the autopsy started about 8:30 pm.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you stupid [jerk], he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Editor's Note: This is a different list of courtroom humor than the one in
"Disorder in the Court" by Richard Lederer, which has been going around the
net for a while. The other list can be found in the "True" section of my
main humor page, http://www.castle.net/~tina/fun.html.]

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: shipbrk@gate.net (Jeff Lee)
Subject: Humor in Lawsuits (long)

I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal
computer-related duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts during
busy times.

I've built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally
occur; unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses (and
lawyers) not paying attention to what they're really saying, and so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the office)
have run across.

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

Q: I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A: Forty-three. That's okay. You're nosy enough. You might as well put that
in.

Q: Did she appear to be in any pain? In other words, just looking at her,
did she look like she was hurting?
A: She's so ugly it looks like she hurts all the time.

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a question impossible to answer;
outside this person's expertise; and I don't know what it means.

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an improper question and this man cannot
answer the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

Q: What happened in that accident?
A: I was going around the corner and it was wet and rainy outside, and I
kind of slid down an embankment and went into some bushes.
Q: Were the police called out to that?
A: A state trooper came out. And he gave me a careless driving ticket
because he told me he had to give me a ticket. I didn't fight it, because
it was my word against the bushes, I guess you could say.

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here is --
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why don't you let her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask --
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I don't know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: What's your question?

Q: Dr. Smith, how are you --
A: Just fine.
Q: Pardon?
A: Just fine. I'm ready to go.
Q: Okay. Great. How are you employed?

A: You've got to figure I'm a pretty conservative lady. This is the first
concert I had ever been to.
Q: Of any kind?
A: Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry Lee Lewis when I was 16 years
old.
Q: There was no shooting at that concert, was there?
A: No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but no shooting.

Q: What was your attorney's name?
A: It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what I'm getting --
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that Mr. Smith is not hanging out the
window.
THE WITNESS: I don't know. Knowing John, he could be.

Q: Is that the only license you hold?
A: I have a marriage license.
Q: You're not a realtor or a plumber or anything else like that?
A: No. They don't require a license to have children, which they should.

A: Well, I have never heard of anything like that, but I suppose any help
at the time would have been a help.

Q: And the serratus anterior nerve that -- or the nerves that go to it,
where do they come from?
A: The neck, the cervical region.
Q: From the cervical region?
A: Yes.
Q: And did you do any examination of his cervical -- of his cervix -- to
determine if there was any problem with his nerves going through his neck?
A: He doesn't have a cervix, but, yes, I examined the biceps.

Q: How long have you been married to her?
A: Nineteen years.
Q: Is that your only marriage?
A: Yes, it is, that I know of.

Q: Do you recall discussing with John Smith that if you were in a
deposition or anything like that and you don't want to give the right
answer, all you have to say is, "I don't know. I don't recall"?
A: No. I don't remember.

Q: No one went with you from Foobar to assist you. Correct?
A: It seems to me -- not from Foobar. Like I said, it was a long time ago.
I mean, my memory is as short as my peter.

A: Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes checks his own activities.
Suicidal and homicidal ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days, particularly following
contact with his attorney.

Q: Do you recall if you had any alcohol or anything to drink prior to the
concert?
A: Yes, I did.
Q: What did you have, if you remember?
A: I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q: You ought to have a doctor look at that. Just kidding.

Q: Do you consider him to be competent in that area?
A: I don't know. I don't have any basis to remark about the competency of
his engineering. I do know he's dead.

A: There are very few production places in North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there are very few places in North Dakota.

Q: And where does sandblasting fit in your scale of being a prestigious
job? Do you think that's a prestigious job?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Okay. More so than working in a factory, I guess.
A: Yes, sir.
Q: Everybody's entitled to their opinion, I guess. I don't know. Maybe
you're right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a one-minute break sometime, whenever you
feel you're --
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

Q: Do you have any reason to believe that the decision to have Mr. Jones,
Mr. Brown and yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion of the EMS
products listed in group 3 and 4 of Exhibit -- of the December 5 chart was
made or --
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and maybe I can try and figure out what
I wanted to ask.

Q: Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at
some point --
A: Yes.
Q: -- prior to his death?

Q: And what is it about that particular night that you recall that you
didn't eat at the Holiday Inn?
A: What is it that I remember that I didn't eat?

Q: What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A: She was drinking one of them -- one of them lady drinks. I don't know
what it was.
Q: She had about the same as you?
A: No. Huh-uh. She doesn't drink much. She'll just have one drink, and
she'll suck on it all night long.

Q: Next time you saw him?
A: August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils -- no, I'm sorry, checked testicle.
Must be mother asking. But I didn't find anything wrong with testicle. On
the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

Q: And Detroit Murphy -- what is that? Is that a school or --
A: It's Mercy, not Murphy.
Q: Oh, Mercy?
A: I'm sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q: Oh, I'm sorry. Mercy.
A: Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like through the Jesuit
priests program. They do things with young boys.

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir, to identify what I am going to have marked
as Defendant's Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A: He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones, and I had them blown.

Q: Could you please, in your own words, desribe where you're touching on
your body?
A: Right here.
Q: All right. Now, where is "right here"?
A: Right here.
Q: Is that your leg?
A: No, sir. My leg is here. That's my stomach. I got two stomachs right
here. But he was --
Q: All right. You have two stomachs.

Q: Why do you handle the family finances?
A: Because my mom and sister ain't that bright.

Q: Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff during the fishing trip
after the accident and the times you had been with him before?
A: Yes.
Q: Can you tell the jury about that? A: After a long period of time holding
his rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period of time.

Q: How far apart are the rungs on the ladder?
A: They're usually about 12 inches to a foot.

Q: What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal Wear?
A: I was a presser.
Q: Who was your boss there?
A: I forget his name. He's the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A: Yeah. It's a father-and-son operation.

Q: You don't have any intention of dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do
you?
A: No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her, and other times you want to hug
her up and kiss her nose.

A: Mr. Jones and I had had a disagreement, the exact nature of which I
don't remember, but it was over some aspect of my work that he wanted me to
perform in a manner different than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Jones's -- excuse my language coming up -- Mr. Jones said, "If you fuck
with me, I'll kill you."
Q: When he said, "If you fuck with me, I'll kill you," how did you
interpret that?

Q: Has anybody else ever threatened to kill you?
A: No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once, but I don't think he threatened
to use it.
Q: Was that in an employment contact or not?
A: No. It was a social contact.

Q: Is there a difference between a reconditioned and rebuilt piece of
equipment in your mind, if you have one?

Q: So the first thing that you heard was the one that you overheard with
Mr. Jones stating that he didn't want any women in his department. And then
second time when you were in this exact conversation would have been after
the first time?

Q: Have you tried any type of rehabilitation or work retraining?
A: No. No, sir.
Q: Why not?
A: Because I ain't too bright.

Q: And, Doctor, are you a member of the profession? Correct?
A: What profession?
Q: The medical profession.
A: Oh, yes, sir.
Q: And what profession are you a member of?
A: The medical profession.

Q: I would like you to turn to the next page, dated June 9, 1993.
A: Yes.
Q: Do you recall this incident occurring?
A: Yes. The night before that I had eaten at Beachcomber's Restaurant. And
I had crab. And I had vomited in the --
Q: I assure you on this question a simple "Yes" or "No" will do.

Q: Anything else you like to do a lot?
A: Look out the window.
Q: Have you got a good view?
A: No.
Q: You just like to look out there?
A: Yeah.
Q: What can you see from your window?
A: The apartments in front of us.
Q: I guess there's usually a lot of activity out there.
A: Not no more.
Q: How come?
A: The drug dealer moved away.

Q: Okay. Did it become a shouting match at any time?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: It did?
A: A big one.
Q: And what was the net result?
A: I left, was the result. I left. I basically told him that I didn't care
how big his dick was.
Q: How did that comment come up?
A: It just came out.
Q: Okay. Why did you make that comment? Does he talk about, you know, his
penis a lot?
A: Yeah, he always talks about his penis. He thinks it's the greatest thing
that ever walked on earth.

Q: And what was the reason given to you for the fact you were let go?
A: The reason given to me was garnishing a knife and arguing with the
supervisor.

Q: Is the south boundary of the north half of the southeast quarter of the
northwest quarter the same line as the north boundary of the south half of
the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter?

Q: Do you currently have normal bowel movements?
A: No.
Q: In what way have they changed?
A: I have a lot more gas that I -- I fart a lot more; and when I do,
they're much stronger than the normal person. Isn't that true, Jane? I know
it's not funny, but it's true.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

EDITOR'S NOTE: Around 1988-1992, there used to be a whole slew of "animal"
accounts on Drew's academic computer systems. Since Drew's user ID
convention is first initial + last name, the "animals" were given names
like "Mike Oose" (MOOSE), "Walter Ombat" (WOMBAT), "Paul Latypus"
(PLATYPUS), etc. This poem was written to one of these animals, whose
account was, of course, "COW".

An Ode to Cathy Ow

by Karl Lohner

That Cathy Ow. That Cathy Ow
I do not like that Cathy Ow

"Do you like green milk and steak?"

I do not like green milk and steak
I do not like them, Cathy Ow
That type of food I don't allow.

"Would you like them by a lake?
Would you like them in a cake?"

I would not, could not, by a lake
I could not, would not, in a cake
I do not like them, Cathy Ow
I do not like them anyhow.

"Would you could you with an abacus?
Would you could you with Paul Latypus?"

I'd never ever with an abacus
I'd never ever with the platypus
Not by a lake or in a cake
Not with a fork or with a rake
I do not like them, Cathy Ow
Where'd you get them? You're a cow.

"But I'm the type who wants to know
If you'll eat them. Yes or no?
Would you could you with a moose?
Would you could you with a goose?"

I would not could not with a moose
I could not would not with a goose
Not by the lake or with an abacus
Not in a cake or with Paul Latypus
I do not like green milk and steak
Now go away, you bovine flake!

"Now Karl dear, don't call me names
I'm tired of all your silly games
If you'll try them you will see
How good and tasty they will be
Try them, try them, I have them here
Try them, try them, Karl dear."

Okay I'll try them, Oh cow of kine
Would thou be quiet whilst I dine?

(mrfl mrvfl slurp slurp
mrfl mrvfl hic burrp)

Say... This green milk is not that bad
This steak's the best I've ever had
You were right then, that's no bull
Green milk and steak are wonderful
And I would eat them with a moose
And I could eat them with a goose
I'd count the steaks by abacus
And I'd eat them with Paul Latypus
Ow, let's have green milk and steak
On a picnic table by the lake
And the next day we could bake
Green milk and steak into a cake
Oh how I love them, Cathy Ow
For breakfast, no more eggs and sow.
Come Cathy dear, enjoy we will
Gee I hope you're on the pill.

(just kidding.)
(Mooooooooooo.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: ms0p+@andrew.cmu.edu (Michael Gordon Shapiro)
Date: 2 Apr 91 11:30:03 GMT
Keywords: computer, smirk

(Left on the blackboard by students in a Real-Time Systems course)

How to program in "C"

1] Use lots of global variables.
2] Give them cryptic names such as: X27, a_gcl, or Horace.
3] Put everything in one large .h file.
4] Implement the entire project at once.
5] Use macros and #defines to emulate Pascal.
6] Assume the compiler takes care of all the little details you didn't
quite understand.

"It's 5:50 a.m., Do you know where your stack pointer is?"

[ No, and my program doesn't, either! ]

How to debug a "C" program.

1] If at all possible, don't. Let someone else do it.
2] Change majors.
3] Insert/remove blank lines at random spots, re-compile, and excecute.
4] Throw holy water on the terminal.
5] Dial 911 and scream.
6] There is rumour that "printf" is useful, but this is probably unfounded.
7] Port everything to CP/M.
8] If it still doesn't work, re-write it in assembler. This won't fix the
bug, but it will make sure no one else finds it and makes you look bad.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The recent submission of "How to program in C" left out some very important
rules.

I have come up with the following list of additional rules in order to give
the serious student some aid and the professional a refresher.

How to program in 'C' - addendum

1] Rewrite standard functions and give them your own obscure names.
2] Use obscure, proprietary, non-portable, compiled library packages so
that you never have to move from the platform you love so well.
3] Use very descriptive comments like /* printf("Hello world\n"); */ before
each function call.
4] REMEMBER - Carriage returns are for weenies. Tabs are for those who have
not reached weenie-dom yet.
5] Include LOTS of inline assembly code.
6] "User Interfaces" are for morons. "Users" have no business interfacing
with a professional product like yours.
7] If you are forced to comment your code (in English), then borrow
comments from somebody else's code and sprinkle them throughout yours. It's
quick, easy, and fun to watch people's expressions as they try to figure it
out.
8] Remember to define as many pre-processor symbols as possible in terms of
already defined symbols. This is considered 'efficient use of code'.

How to debug a 'C' program - addendum

1] Since you got it to compile, the problem must be in the Other Guys Code.
2] If it's all your code then the problem MUST be in those unreliable
Standard Libraries. See '1.' in the previous section.
3] Claim the bug reports are viscious lies meant to tarnish your sterling
reputation as a 'C' programmer (well aren't they?). After all, those who
wrote the reports couldn't even read your code. How could they possibly
know if there was a bug or not?
3.a] If they could read your code, review "How to program in 'C'", above.
4] Claim that there wouldn't be a problem if this stingy
Company/School/Wife/etc would spring for a copy of C++.

If you still have a Job/Degree objective/Wife/Mind/etc after utilizing the
above rules then you simply aren't trying hard enough.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Top 16 Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder

16. Couldn't muster up sufficient disdain if all nine lives depended on it!

15. You've repeatedly found him in the closed garage, hunched over the
wheel of your running Buick.

14. Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole.

13. Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac.

12. No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again
and again...

11. Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door.

10. Doesn't get Garfield, but laughs like hell at Marmaduke.

9. Rides in your car with its head out the window.

8. She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party.

7. You realize one day that the urine stains on the carpet actually form
the letters N-E-E-D T-H-E-R-A-P-Y.

6. Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9
Lives" cans.

5. Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules
from the plain white ones.

4. After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss.

3. Sullen and overweight, your sunglass-wearing cat shoots the TV with a
.45 Magnum when it sees cartoon depictions of stupid or lazy felines.

2. Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2
kilos of catnip.

and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder...

1. Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to
impress Jodie Foster.
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IN THE BEGINNING

[author unknown]

In the beginning there was the computer. And God said

%Let there be light!

#Enter user id.

%God

#Enter password.

%Omniscient

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Omnipotent

#Password incorrect. Try again.

%Technocrat

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
%Let there be light!

#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create light

#Done

%Run heaven and earth

#And God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.
#Approx. funds remaining: $92.50.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
%Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light
#Unrecognizable command. Try again.
%Create firmament

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.
#Approx. funds remaining: $84.60.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
%Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let
the dry land appear and

#Too many characters in specification string. Try again.
%Create dry_land

#Done.

%Run firmament

#And God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.
#Approx. funds remaining: $65.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
%Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night
#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create sun_moon_stars

#Done

%Run sun_moon_stars

#And God created the heavens. And God saw there were 0 errors.
#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.
#Approx. funds remaining: $54.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
%Create fish

#Done

%Create fowl

#Done

%Run fish, fowl

#And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that
creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl
after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

#And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.
#Approx. funds remaining: $45.00.

#And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.
%Create cattle

#Done

%Create creepy_things

#Done

%Now let us make man in our image

#Unspecified type. Try again.

%Create man

#Done

%Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it and have
dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over
every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

#Too many command operands. Try again.
%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 6 errors.

%Insert breath

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 5 errors.

%Move man to Garden of Eden

#File Garden of Eden does not exist.

%Create Garden.edn

#Done

%Move man to Garden.edn

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 4 errors.

%Copy woman from man

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 3 errors.

%Insert woman into man

#Illegal parameters. Try again.

%Insert man into woman

#Done

%Run multiplication

#Execution terminated. 2 errors.

%Create desire

#Done

%Run multiplication

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create freewill

#Done

%Run freewill

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Undo desire

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Help

#Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.
#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Create tree_of_knowledge

#And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn
#Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

%Create good, evil

#Done

%Activate evil

#And God saw he had created shame.
#Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in Garden.edn.
#1 errors.

%Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

#Search failed.

%Delete shame

#Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
%Destroy freewill

#Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
#Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

%Stop

#Unrecognizable command. Try again
%Break
%Break
%Break

#ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS:
COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE
MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

%Create new world

#You have exceeded your allocated file space. You must destroy old files
before new ones can be created.

%Destroy earth

#Destroy earth: Please confirm.

%Destroy earth confirmed

#COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT
6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

#And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.
#Approx. funds remaining: $0.00.
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